Late last night I awoke after having dozed off for a bit while watching TV. There on my screen was a man with a flat haircut, a muted tie and a dark, mid-priced suit.
He was reading a public briefing document and standing in front of a national seal of some sort, that looked vaguely familiar but
wasn't one I really recognised. The briefing seemed to be a live practice run.
Anyway, he spoke of the dangers of IEDs, that he said were Improvised Expressions of Devotion, which could be left anywhere, to trap, injure and maim the unwary. He told me that during late December there would be millions of gaudily coloured, suspicious parcels and boxes, whose contents would be kept secret from their intended recipients, in transit all over the country.
I was warned to be especially careful of any package given to me by a stranger or sent to me, anonymously, by courier or post, at that time of year.
It seems that many of these packages may contain unwanted, unsavoury or even dangerous devices that I would really rather I had never received.
The ringleader behind this highly suspicious campaign was described as an unnamed, shadowy figure of unknown nationality... a person who slips in and out of countries at will, making fleeting appearances and distributing bags and boxes and bottles in opaque wrapping, before making a getaway.
So elusive is this man that many don't even believe he is real. In fact, I found he is so brazen that he usually dresses very conspicuously and still manages to evade capture by the concerned folks at DHS.
This year, there appears to be a number of secret plans to take down this international menace, especially if he flies through our airspace without the correct IFF transponder active.
Be on the lookout, folks. Remember, children make the best informants. If anyone knows where this guy might be, it's probably your kids.