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If you've ever experienced unrequited love, you will know that it is not a pleasant condition. Obsession, anxiety attacks and distractedness are just some of the effects. It is impossible to reason your way out of it or get out by effort of will, and in some cases the effects can be crippling, as much
so as neurochemical depression (or can, indeed, lead to depression). In fact, the phenomenon (known technically as <I>limerence</I>) is believed to be related to obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Apart from being unpleasant to the sufferer, unrequited love undoubtedly is expensive to their co-workers, employers and society in general, through lost productivity and impaired social functioning. As such, were a drug developed that alleviated limerence, as antidepressants do with organic depression, it would have many positive effects.
Given that limerence is a neurochemical phenomenon, a drug that alleviates it should be theoretically feasible. The drug could act by regulating the production of neurotransmitters, stimulating production of transmitters which alter the user's state sufficiently to alleviate the symptoms of the condition and restore normal cognitive function, or blocking receptors overstimulated as a result of limerence.
The only negative effect that immediately comes to mind is that poets and songwriters may have less material to work with. Then again, surely there are enough banal love songs out there.
An alternative
http://www.halfbake...dea/Crush_20Patches
[angel, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]
Huey Lewis and the News: I Want a New Drug
http://www.crosswin...lyrics/80s/ttt.html
This is well baked in popular music; here's one memorable example from the 80s. [egnor, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]
The Name of the Rose
http://www.amazon.c...os/ASIN/0156001314/
In literature as well. This novel includes an amusing little scene where Adso (the narrator and sidekick character) searches through the library for a cure for limerence. [egnor, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]
...or you could try one of these
http://www.halfbake.../idea/heart_20guard
[mihali, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]
Romantic love may be similar to obsessive compulsive disorder
http://204.202.137....rubinreport_83.html
Or so some scientists at the University of Pisa claim. It follows that this applies particularly to limerence. Also mentioned is a connection between the condition and serotonin. [acb, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]
One view of the meaning
http://dannyreviews...Love_Limerence.html
[UnaBubba, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]
-vs- Another
http://www.alt-usag...erpts/fxlimere.html
[UnaBubba, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]
One example of many, for [juuitchan3]
http://www.lyricsan...com/song/36402.html
Better than a ramen recipe [angel, Mar 21 2002, last modified Jan 19 2007]
"Why a broken heart hurts so much"
http://msnbc.com/ne...978061.asp?0cv=CB20
UCLA research report released recently says that rejection causes activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the part of the brain that also responds to physical pain. The report doesn't say anything about unrecquition, though. [bristolz, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
science
http://www.newscien...s.jsp?id=ns99994257
[mrthingy, Oct 04 2004]
SGI
http://www.sgi-usa....buddhism/bofnd.html
(buddhism to get you over or with that love of yours) [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004]
LOVE SHYNESS
http://www.angelfir.../toc.html#chapter17
If you unrequite out of fear for approaching potential mates, this might be your problem.. [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)
http://ivy_league0...._wanderer/id45.html
If you have an overall shyness problem but you are especially afraid of intimacy, this page might help [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
the Sorrows of Young Werther - Email version
http://www.the-sorr...-young-werther.com/
This is the very original email variant of the Sorrows of Young Werther (by Goethe), if you wish to be updated by the poor Werther who suffers from his unrequited love with Charlotte (Lotte). Ofcourse you could also just read the book.. [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
Werther's Originals
http://www.ciao.co....ets__Review_5328988
[po, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
Unrequited Love Support Group
http://health.group...roup/unrequitedlove
in need of a kind word, advice, info or a group to share your story and poetry with? feel free to join! :)) [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
The Love Potion and the Sword of Eros
http://www.jrhaule.net/lovePotion.html
this is the process [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
(?) Welfare and Institutions Code 5150
http://www.dmv.ca.g...finst/welin5150.htm
[Klaatu, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
am i really over him?
http://www.donnymil...gallery/OverHim.jpg
or is it just the pills? [bobofthefuture, Feb 02 2006]
Atypyk: Patch to Stop Caring About Love
http://www.atypyk.c...rodimages/patch.jpg
Parisian art/design house's version. [jutta, Jul 01 2006]
The researchers suggest that giving the two hormones may be a cure for non-returned romantic love.
http://www.independ...ut-true-397645.html
[fridge duck, Apr 21 2008]
Short name, e.g., Bob's Coffee
Destination URL.
E.g., http://www.coffee.com/
Description (displayed with the short name and URL.)
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I thought this was what excessive alcohol consumption was all about? |
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There's also Prozac ® , and of course sex with someone else. |
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Alcohol may work to an extent, but it's a fairly crude form of medication, and does not restore clarity. It can also be said to be equally useful as an antidepressant. |
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My idea is different from crush
patches, in that crush patches
release phenylethylamine,
mimicking the effects of requited
love and the high of the early
stages of courtship (similar to
the effects of chocolate, some
argue), whereas anti-limerence
pills would alleviate the
unrequited-love state. No high,
just a state of clarity. It's
perhaps like the difference
between nicotine and Zyban. |
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’T is better to have loved and lost,
Than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Tennyson: In Memoriam, xxvii |
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Yes, anyone of us is capable at any given time in putting the 'id' in 'idiot'. |
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If it isn't available as a morning-after formula then it's too late for whozis anyway. |
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I thought the anti-unrequited-love drug was Rohypnol. |
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Waugs, I'm not hitting anyone on egnor's behalf. I've seen the error of my ways and anyway, I'm too old and slow to be doing that stuff anymore. |
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acb, won't any of the prescribed serotonin antagonist drugs available by prescription do this? All you need is a love doctor to write you the prescription. |
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I think waugie was threatening to call on you to beat me up (or whatever bouncers do to you when you're bad) if I hit him, not to hit anyone on my behalf. |
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egnor: see the link to the story about romantic love and OCD. |
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UB: The article mentions serotonin. Whether serotonin antagonists would work against limerence as they do against clinical depression, or whether a different formula would be needed, remains to be determined. |
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<bogie>I like my shots without needles. Make it a double.</bogie> |
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I'll second that Waugs. No fun being so stressed that you start to come apart. I was lucky. I fell over once and a very good GP straightened me out. I didn't like the drugs because they made me sleepy, so I gave them up after 3 days. Now I recognise the signs and start immediate behaviour modification to prevent the slide. |
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It also helps a great deal having a good support network. Rods Tiger is right about standup work. It's good for you, but self-destructive. I don't think I could keep the hours anymore anyway. Doing a gig until 2:30am and rocking up to work in a suit and tie at 7:00 is pretty hard on you after a few months. |
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Real life, waugs, real life. We spend way too much time with our heads up our arses in the 1/2B as it is. |
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This "idea" is merely an articulation and discussion of the problem, not of a solution to it. |
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Does my mind or my member desire more to shoot itself? If I find that I have to take matters into my own hands with drugs, all I've done is raised the bar. |
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I've taken a few things out of actual medical necessity. After being rearended in a spectacular accident (In 1980, driving a 1974 Toyota Corolla - I had just pulled away from a Stop Sign- a 4 wheel Drive Truck (which seconds ago I glimpsed in my rearview mirror was a huge distance away) rearended me, in which I sustained head enjuries (Oh, so that explains it). The Truck speedometer locked up at 103 mph on impact. 3 witnesses confirmed he looked as if he was doing over 100 mph as well. They saw his truck flip and roll 3 times each and land over 400 measured feet away. My car - which acted as a ramp/launching pad was pushed from the impact 300 + feet into an Olive tree. Olive trees always win.
I had 'round the clock headaches for 3 solid years, without a moments peace. amongst the 8 prescribed medications I was taking at any one time were Elavil, then Triavil - both antidepressants. Not so much really for that sake, but nevertheless, I suppose it had its effect - though I was quite pissed that I wasn't going to be a sexual athlete what with side effects of these and other meds. It certainly helped me sleep, pounding head and all, and for that I am thankful.
The headaches subsided once I started taking Dolobid. I highly recommend this as a non drowsy, no side effect Painkiller. 3 of those a day replaced 3 dozen other pills a day. And it actually worked. St Johns Wort - many years later. When I was just as Rod described himself. It really helped when I took it - and I put it down. Melatonin - only took it a half dozen times, every time was a blessing. I highly recommend Melatonin. What we had in youth, and lost as we've grown, it restores. |
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I'm as much a mental patient as the next SSRI-popper, but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Heartbreak sucks, but it's important, not to mention unbeatable as a creative tool. |
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Consider where we would be without such mournful classic songs as "Lush Life", classic films like "Doctor Zhivago", and almost the entire collected works of Shakespeare, Dickinson and Chekhov. |
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What becomes of the brokenhearted? Great writing, that's what. |
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Wouldn't the world be a more beautiful place, by extrapolation, if we did not try to alleviate suffering? |
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On the whole (and as Waugsqueke, Rods, et al can attest) I’m of the opinion that drugs are helpful. Certain ideas, however, have popped-up that aim to take the risk out of the human experience and consequently, make life boring. In these cases, I think the proposed ideas inadvertently aim to help us avoid being human. |
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For, how does one mature and live life to the full if everything is made easy (via Lust-Detecting Clothes and “dating”) and risks are avoided? Answer: can't do it...risks are part of the equation. |
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I hold that if one removes the ability to be hurt, one undermines the essence of love. For in order to love, one must, among other things, become vulnerable: vulnerable to being loved and, vulnerable to having one’s love rejected. Consequently, in order to love/ be loved one must be open to the possibility of having his/her heart broken. You can’t “play it safe”…love comes with inherent risk. |
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Again, I’m into most ideas that make things more efficient, but when it comes to emotions, you simply cannot cut corners. >>egnor: no, I do not think we should alleviate this type of suffering.<< |
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It may very well be true that
suffering is necessary to
experience love, but the question
arises whether love (of the
sexual/romantic variety) is
necessary for a pleasant and
fulfilling life. |
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In the ancestral environment of
our hunter-gatherer ancestors,
where our instincts and drives
evolved, life was a struggle
against a hostile environment.
Those who didn't reproduce
bountifully and bring up their
young to the point of
self-sufficiency died out, thus
leaving the genes of those most
driven to these things. Back
then, survival and reproduction
were the meaning of life, and one
could not imagine a contentedly
celibate hunter-gatherer with any
sort of remotely fulfilling life. |
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In the world we live in, things
are vastly different. For one,
the world is overpopulated; if
everybody reproduces, their
children will inherit a lower
standard of living, and have to
scrabble for an ever-decreasing
resource pool. Secondly, ours is
not so much a world of survival
and reproduction but of
information and culture. People
usually do have sexual
relationships, but most such
relationships are non-reproductive
and brief. |
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Then there is the factor of the
media, presenting
computer-enhanced pictures of
beautiful people and instilling
unnatural ideals of what to expect
in a partner. I once saw a
citation of a study showing that
more people were dissatisfied with
their partners these days than
there had been in prior decades,
because of judging them by TV
standards. |
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I speculate that, if an
anti-limerence drug was developed
and marketed, there would be a
subculture of people more than
eager to throw off the chains of
their courtship/mating instincts,
ridding themselves of an
involuntary distraction and
focussing more on other pursuits.
Perhaps with fewer distractions,
these would become super-achievers
in various fields (obviously not
including poetry or songwriting,
though). |
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If I could expunge any feature from my body, it would without doubt be the reproductive drive and all associated emotions. It is the built-in torture machine we all have installed, one that is more brutal in its effect than any devised by Inquisitor or Nazi. With it, you could own the universe and still live in Hell. |
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acb, I was curious about the etymology of the word limerence. It appears in none of the dictionaries I have looked at. Then I found it was an arbitrary coinage with no specific etymology. Some author named Dorothy Tennov plucked it out of the air in 1977. |
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Apparently it means // The meaning of "limerence" falls somewhere between "infatuation" and "romantic love" //
Therefore I don't believe it means unrequited love anyway, on that basis. |
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If it didn't exist until 1977, then it's probably a product of the drug experimentation popular in the '70's. Two wrongs don't make a right, just stay away from drugs. |
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The most well balanced individual I ever saw on Television, or in 'real life' for that matter, was a person by the name of Toby. Toby was a guest on a show I watched 3 times - bear in mind all 3 times I was sick - no cable TV. The show was "Sally Jesse Raphael". ack ack. If she lived to do one thing in her life, it was to interview Toby that day. Toby had no genitalia, no reproductive organs. Toby was hard to define in appearance as well. Looking no more female than male and obviously, vice versa. The studio audience was spellbound as I was, not in terms of - the genetics or the physical manifestations of it all - but rather - how Toby was absolutely impossible to get an answer which showed any confusion on his/her own part in terms of how Toby felt about his/her self. Toby would be on my short list of people to have for a dinner of my choice. Remarkable human being without the human failings. |
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bubba: A dictionary of sexology I have seen defines limerence as a state based on a delusion, obsessive infatuation with an imagined likeness of someone in the absence of significant interaction; which sounds pretty unrequited to me.
I could dig up a cite if you like. |
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Thanks, but see [Link]. It may well mean unrequited, if you can believe the reviewer here. |
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Then again, an excerpt from alt-usage-english.org sees it differently. [Link] |
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On the whole, I tend to agree with iuvare on this one. It's all part of life's rich tapestry and so on. I'm not very keen on chemicals generally (apart from beer) though I can see that, when that rich tapestry starts to come unravelled you might need a support to lean on.
I've got to say though, that I'm mightily impressed by the vast pharmacological experience that you guys have managed to muster up between you. Awesome! |
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Some of you say that lovesickness and heartbreak are necessary for beauty, art, maturity, etc. |
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Fools, all of you. Lovesickness is about as useful as a drug addiction, and for similar reasons. |
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1. "Lovesickness, etc. is necessary for good art." Au contraire, mon ami. One need only listen to pop music to realise that instead of love / sex / whatever helping our artists produce new, original material, it locks them into a rut. I am like, "Come ON! If I hear ONE MORE lovesick or horny song, I will personally... oh yeah, I'd just go to jail for doing that."
If it was not for these desires, pop music would change SOOO fast. Or would it just become like rap (I am so great, I am so #1, I am so rich, none of you suckers can compare to me, etc.)? |
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And as for art, you could draw / paint / photograph beautiful women without "Ain't she fiiine / I wanna do her / etc." going thru your viewers' minds. |
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2. "Lovesickness is necessary for maturity." If not for lovesickness (and horniness, for that matter), we would act MORE mature as there would be less to distract us. Take a walk! Play some chess! Go visit family or friends! Get involved in politics! If not for your raging loins, would you do this... or just watch more TV? |
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Less "eros", more "philos", please. |
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Pete, that's like saying, "I love ramen, so if someone could come up with a way to, I don't know, make us all solar-powered or something, it would be a bad thing as it would put all the ramen manufacturers out of business?" |
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YOU... DO... NOT... NEED... THAT... CRAP... FOR... ART!! And even if you DID need it, WHICH YOU DON'T, it would be WORTH the loss of art! |
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Oy...
Let's go play shiritori or something. |
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I just mean, we have TOO MANY love songs, etc. That shee-ite is PLAYED OUT. |
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Probably the MAJORITY... MAJORITY... of the lyrics are love lyrics.
Come ON! |
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Heck, a good ramen recipe would make a better song than YET ANOTHER love song. And isn't song what they used to use as a mnemonic before writing was so popular? |
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The problem with love songs is, I think, not in the subject matter itself but in the execution. In general, pop music just isn't that good. Pop artists sing about love like country singers sing about their dogs and their trucks. Of course it gets old! If you want to hear a decent (unrequited, no less!) love song, try something like Hector Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique. |
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Why not sing about smoking pot, while you're at it? There are plenty of songs on THAT.
But just because one can produce beautiful music about smoking pot, is that a reason to smoke pot? I think not. Same thing about love. And sex. Break it off. |
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What do you mean, "knee"? |
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Judging from juuitchan3's previous annotations, I would hazards a guess that 'ne' is some sort of Japanese interrogative (although I thought that was 'ka'). |
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Unrequited love is the most pure love that exists. If you can love someone even though they don't care for you and they give you nothing, then that is true unconditional selfless love. It would simply be a tragedy to take something that beatiful away from the world. |
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By the way, putting "ne" at the end of a sentence is like saying, "isn't that right?" And "baka" means idiot. Yeah it's Japanese. |
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I agree about the love songs. You'd think that people would have had enough of them. |
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I know it's been said... but sex with someone else. Or a group of someone elses. The more meaningless (and frequent) the better. :-) |
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Ijust wanted to say that i think unrequieted love can make for good song/art material, because it puts you in touch with emotional pain that can almost be universaly felt. Pop music love songs are devoid of the power to reach you on an emotional level, or even an intelectual level for that matter and should not reflect the wonderful genre of whiny love songs as a whole. |
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Question to you Chaos, did you get that idea that(Unrequited love is the most pure love that exists. If you can love someone even though they don't care for you and they give you nothing, then that is true unconditional selfless love) from a book somewhere, or have you posted it somewhere else previously? Or it it just a matter of great minds think alike? Because i swear its what i was going to say almost word for word. |
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'Heck, a good ramen recipe would make a better song than YET ANOTHER love song'
Utter bollocks (see link for evidence). |
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Waugsqueke: I look around and I see this isn't so. |
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<i>Unrequited love is the most pure love that exists. If you can love someone even though they don't care for you and they give you nothing, then that is true unconditional selfless love)</i>
Unrequieted love is also about the sickest kind of love there is, as evidenced by stalkers and other unbalanced adorants. And, when it's not "pure" and "unconditional," or of the stalker variety, it's often just pathetic.
I'm not saying that [chaos] is wrong. I'm just saying that if you start with unrequieted love, there's multiple possible results to be had. Don't glorify it based on one, possibly rare, kind of outcome. |
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Unrequieted love is not sick. If someone stalks someone else they may think they are feeling love, but they are really simply dealing with some sort of dependency, addiction, or obession. |
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If someone who feels unrequieted love is told to back off by the other person they will. Someone dealing with Obsessions sees the target as the sole source of there happieness and will refuse to back off and only act more desperate and irrational. |
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You cant put Unreqieted love in the same catgegory as obbsession or stalking. |
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And calling it pathetic certainly wasnt nessiary, somebody should make you an Anti-Sourpuss pill. |
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Acording to the dictionary requited love is just love thats reciprocated. |
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Although I'm not so sure that it really exists. |
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I'm begining to think unrequieted love is the only true form of love. its easy to think you care about someone, or think that someone cares about you. But if unless you are loving unconditionally how do you know you arent just looking out for your own interests? |
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Auden once said "Almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods" |
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How can some people think that two people mutually exploiting each other under the guise of love is more acceptable one person caring? |
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Bobofthefuture: How do you know you love them, and are not just fantasizing about them as a romantic partner? |
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What do you mean by fantasizing about them as a romantic partner? Do you mean how do i know I'm not just in lust with her? Well, if that was what you meant, i know it wasnt simply lust because the previous recipient of my unrequited love spilled an entire pot of boiling hot coffee on her face once,and i talked to her the night it happend and her face was swollen up and she didnt know if there would be permanent scaring or not. Athough her face turned out fine i didnt know it would at the time but i just know i would have loved her just as much if things went differently. |
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Although i still stand by my feelings that unrequited love isnt sick, little good can come from it. I spent most of my highschool years in unrequited lust and then unrequited love with my freind and although some good things came from it (I got good grades and lost tons of weight with the hopes that it would get her to like me as motivation) i am now 20 years old and dont have any freinds because i spent all of my time trying to impress her when she didnt apreciate it, and eventally she ended our friendship a month and a half ago because she didnt want to bother reciprocating at any level above a casual freindship. |
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So although its not sick in the way that stalking is, its probably not healthy either. |
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Oh and I also to answer your question a bit further i went to 4 different counsellors and told them my story hoping it was just obsessive love or something and they all said its unrequited love. |
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I was sort of hoping that it wasnt love because if it were merely addiction or obsession i would be able to go to a 12 step program and then be done with the pain, but with real feelings its not that easy. |
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On the other hand, because of the pain that all of this has caused, i no longer wear my heart on my sleeve, and id like to think ive skipped a couple steps on Maslows hierarchy of needs and became self-actualized without my social needs ever being met so i cant really say no good can come from it. |
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// I was sort of hoping that it wasnt love because if it were merely addiction or obsession... // |
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The distinctions among these are very subtle, and surprisingly often, non-existent. I think love can be considered a form of chemical addiction to the endorphin rush. Sometimes. |
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Not to make light of your friend's mishap, botf, and forgive me for asking - but how does one spill an entire pot of hot coffee on one's face? I just can't picture the event. |
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>Question to you Chaos, (question snipped) |
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No, I didn't read it in a book anywhere, I just made it up on the spot, so I guess it's a case of great minds thinking alike ^_^ |
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But anyways, I really do think that good things can come out of unrequited love. For instance, my current significant other is someone who I was origionally in unrequited love with for about 2 years, and he eventually came to love me back and now we're together. If I had just given up on him right away because he didn't origionally return my feelings, I would really be missing out on something right now. It seems like if you're willing to just give up on someone at the first sign that they're not going to immediately return your feelings, then you must not really love them very much. It's kind of like that saying about how anything worth having you have to be willing to work for. And even if the person never does love you back, at least you know you're being true to your own heart, instead of burying your feelings, and plus you'll probably learn some good life lessons and get some good life experience out of the whole thing. |
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Creativity, including art and poetry, feed voraciously on unrequited love. The world will be a poorer place for the invention of this drug. |
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bris, that's too bad. Or is it? I can't tell. |
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// if you're willing to just give up on someone at the first sign that they're not going to immediately return your feelings, then you must not really love them very much. // |
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Not necessarily. It depends on the situation. If the person you love does not love you in return, but instead loves someone else, then keeping your distance is the respectful thing to do. |
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Love bites. Can we make this topic go far, far away? I am so tired of seeing it jump back up to the top.... (mainly because it forces me to think...to remember...and then I can't get a damn thing done all day because I'm depressed...) |
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1. The world benefits from the art and poetry inspired by unrequited love. But who reads this poetry and looks at this art? Is it of great use to those not under the impact of unrequited love? This argument reads like "Do not convert humans to solar power because then nobody will be interested in cooking food, and restaurants will go bankrupt, families will not eat dinner together and will therefore break up, etc." Or like "Do not make humans immune to booze because then they will not go to bars and will socialize less, etc." |
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2. Unrequited love is a major distraction. So is lust. |
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I am suffering from unrequited love. Suffering does not make one a better person. Suffering is not noble. Suffering does not enhance my creativity, drive me to excel or foster my ability to produce great works of literature or art. Suffering compels me to drive seven hundred miles to see someone who couldn't care less about me and then drive back home and kick myself for being stupid. Suffering stinks. If they come out with an anti-unrequited love drug, I will be lining up outside the drugstore at dawn on the day of its release. Okay, so I'm a wee bit compulsive anyway. But I'd prefer to be compulsive about something good, like designing the perfect moonstone necklace or submitting my work until I finally get published. NOT driving 700 miles, etc. I'm sick of the subject. And yet, I would get up tomorrow morning, get in the car and do it again because maybe, just maybe there's something I didn't say that I'll say right this time and THEN he'll love me. Anti-unrequited love drug? You bet. Sign me up, baby. |
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What Blissmiss just said & what Una said on 4/18. |
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I didn't actually expect a response. I plugged "unrequited" into a search engine in the wee hours out of self-disgust and was amazed to stumble across halfbakery. I decided to just let my frustrations out (while making some feeble attempt to stick to the topic <grin>). And well, here you are. Pretty remarkable bit of lagniappe. If I were a more fatalistic type, I'd say it was meant to be. (Oh, yeah; like I COULD be a more fatalistic type!) |
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I agree about the poetry and art, however grudgingly. I designed three gorgeous necklaces that don't have a damn thing to do in subject matter, form or material with my current angst-ridden misery but which have been no small success commercially. I have also written some verse that ranges from the sublime to the Godawful. Some days I am channeling Dorothy Parker; other days I am just crying in my soup. But it's all driving the creative process, whether I like it or not.
So maybe I will hold off on that new drug when they bring it out. |
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Besides, maybe he really really really deep deep down inside loves me and just is too shy to say so and has been planning to call or something and I just didn't hear the phone and..... Yeah; that's it. I'll just wait until he says something...... |
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Ah, unrequited love, the one emotion that is impossible to cope with. I experienced love at first sight at age 10. Unlike Romeo and Juliet, the feeling only extended in one direction--me to her. When I was a kid, I was naive enought to think it was just a crush. Not until I was 18 was I able to understand the depth of feeling I had and have for this now-grown girl. |
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I have also suffered depression, so I feel qualified to discuss the differences between the two states. In depression, the illness tells the sufferer that everything is awful. In unrequited love, the emotion hurts, but can trick the sufferer into thinking that things will work out between him/herself and the beloved. That is how it has worked for me anyway. |
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While it's tough to find a good thing to say about depression, unrequited love can have a strange silver lining. For one, the unrequited lover aquires a new degree of empathy. Watching Jerry MacGuire revealed that to me. My unrequited love has also made me far more religous, as I have tried to understand it through a supreme being. At times, this has exacerbated the obsessive aspect of unrequited love, but nothing else has ever brought me closer to God. |
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Anyway, the state of unrequited love brings out a desperate yet patient state of wanting the other person to know and respond. I oscillate between an irrational desire to go to Chicago and declare my love to her tomorrow and the semi-comforting feeling that patience may pay the ultimate dividend: mutual love. |
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I know that mutual love is so unlikely and that I would suffer even greater heartache in what would most likely be an unsuccessful pursuit. |
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I believe that I have gained everything there is to gain from unrequited love. Never-the-less, these gains have come against immeasureable suffering. So, shoot me up ASAP please. |
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FWIW, I think you should go to Chicago. |
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Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night |
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Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love
Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way |
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I for one would not opt for a drug control method that utterly eliminated the emotion of unrequited love - although one that somewhat lessened it so I could concentrate on something else for a while might be nice. I would, however, and this is the influencing vote - miss the creative frenzies that only unrequited love can inspire me to (they surprise the hell out of me in a good way!), and the positive changes it causes me to make to the more unpleasant aspects of my personality. |
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Curiously, considering what I have just said, I do in effect control it with a drug, in this case cannabis - for some reason (lots of time thinking stoned, and lots of intense curiosity about the way various chemicals (native and foreign to our bodies) can change the perception of emotion perhaps?) I find that when smoking occasionally I can more critically analyse my feelings as self-reinforcing patterns of behaviour and neurochemistry. Incidentally, among other things it does, THC (active component of pot) inhibits the release of serotonin.... |
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(NB - Just as an alternative view to a few of the anti-drug comments, I feel I should point out that pot has liberated me emotionally from depression and self-doubt, although I do notice that it has made me a bit unemotional about everyday life, it seems to limit the peaks of my emotions (+ve and -ve) to the point where they no longer drive me to lose perspective.) |
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(NB II - I tried St. John's Wort, which seemed to help with depression, but when I stopped taking it (it was beyond my budget for a while, very broke) I experienced true new depths of despair. For that reason I'll probably never touch the stuff again.) |
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For both the above statement, of course, YMMV. |
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I've gone from the point of random crushes withthe unnattainable that leave me in psychological hell (I still get random intense crushes, but brain says for example, "hey, you're never going to get [insert appropriate], so just enjoy it a bit, try and work out what you are attracted to and learn from it"), to a point where I can essentially, decide who to fall in love with (and who not to). Otherwise I'd probably be in love with my friend's girlfriend or something by now (she's nice, but I just killed those thoughts off because I could see where they were going, and now all is groovy and non-stressy). |
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Of course, I am hugely in love at the moment, with a (naturally!) perfect girl.... In this case though, I chose to embark on it, partially to get over a mistrust of women but with someone who was not going to torment me for fun and who had the necessary intellect to realise that I'm essentially harmless and not let it worry her if she ever realised, which I think she has. I don't think it bothers her really, and it doesn't interfere with our friendship, although our relationship is rather long distance and therefore mostly postal. And, I consciously try to give her space and not bother her too much. |
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However, there's always the possibility that all this behaviour is itself just another intricate part of some elaborate scheme my subconscious mind has set to get the girl in the end by being rational.... :/ ? |
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PS - FWIW, I think you should go to Chicago, but be prepared for it to be your final visit - if it doesnt work out, and for your sake not necessarily hers. Also, try and meet new people (cliche but apt advice), you might find yourself fascinated with someone else by accident - even that's a step forward as it shows that you can move on, despite the previous occasions when nobody else in the world would do. After several "there can be only (this) one!" instances, it sinks in that it can be overcome and not greatly missed. FWIW, I still love everyone I have ever loved, but as time has passed, the emotions have slowly become associated with other people, and the intense pain diminishes. If I think about the past loves, I can usually distract myself with my current one (who I keep in perspective). Like the Littlest Hobo, I just keep moving on - although one day I hope that someone will give me cause to stay.... |
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Sorry about rambling and my excessive use of brackets :) |
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Ocassional cannabis use can open your eyes to self-destructive behaviours (and often you'll find that smoking cannabis is one of them...). But mere awareness of a situation is useless without an action taken to correct it. I find if I am caught in an unsatisfying mental loop, the best way to short circuit it is a perturbation, a shock to the system. |
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A friend of mine calls getting paralytically drunk a "Control-Alt-Delete", and I think that's what I'm getting at, a life "reboot". Under controlled conditions therapists have used LSD for this in the past, but that's politically impossible and anyway too risky to mental health. |
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We all know a good cry can be traumatic but theraputic. There must be something biochemical going on there- I wonder if there is a drug that could potentiate crying? |
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I was looking for an anti-unrequited love drug, which led me to this site, and I must say...hit the nail on the head! I knew I had OCD tendencies, but I manage to function well MOST of the time. Except this last time when I fell for some guy...ALONE...and he just wants to be FRIENDS (I've used that line myself...karma, I suppose). It's messing up my life...I can't concentrate...and I'm teaching high school in my second year and failing miserably at it b/c of the distraction. I guess it's time to give into the drug concept. I can't kick it alone. But, hey, I've written some GREAT (subjective, of course!) songs in the last 6 months! |
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I must also add that reading the posts on this site helps tremendously! I have to make light of my situation or I'll go crazy. There are truly some amazing statements...even opposing views that BOTH have important insights. Thanks BOTF, Mephista, acb, et. al... |
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I don't know how astrology works into this equation, but I wrote this sonnnet a year ago about a guy I've been in (love/fatuated) with since we were 12. His b'day is 10/6/58. Then I fell for another guy this last April with the same b'day...and sadly...the same response. Go figure? |
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Cupid’s Aim Shoots Love in Vain |
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Elusive and so charming is my man
I dream about and scheme about each day
The years go by and still he thwarts my plan
To win his heart or some small part to play |
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Shall I accept rejection and remove
The point of cupid’s misplaced and stray shot
That hence has poisoned me with unfair love
For I love him and he loves me not |
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Short days are these I long for love not mine |
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The years fly by and still he takes no note |
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Of love’s sweet song I sing in endless time
And time and time again in time I hope |
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He’ll look at me and change his ancient tune |
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To sing of love not unrequite and soon |
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Yep... count me in ! I wan't this drug to get over this pain ! It's insane to keep holding on to hope... or is it? I used to think that hope was a beautiful thing, the life-line that was keeping me sane through this unrequited love but now I'm not so sure. I have a feeling it is doing me more harm than good and it's time to move on... but every time I listen to a song I think of him (he's a drummer)... how do you escape from that? |
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I guess the only thing that will save me is time or the next love... which HOPEFULLY, this time, will be reciprocal. |
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Funny but at 36 I had never been the dumpee but always the dumper... OUCH ! life has a way of making you pay for your past insensitivity and I've gained a whole new perspective on giving a minimum of love to people whom you are not in love with... just because they deserve it in the first place because THEY love you so much.. unconditionally. |
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A year has passed since he stopped returning my love... I'm a bit older, a bit wiser and more humble about the whole issue of love. |
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One last question to the Universe out there... Is it worse to love someone who hasn't, does not and will never love you back or to have loved and lost... for I believe the pain of the loss is inversely proportional to the depth of your feelings of love... |
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A higher, and more perfect, form of love exists when it is reciprocated between partners than when it is not. So it is better to have loved and lost (there was at least a time when the love was reciprocated) than to love someone who hasn’t, does not and will never love you back. As a result, the pain is worse for those who’ve loved and lost than for those who’ve never had the love reciprocated, since the former tasted, and had been closer to, a more intense kind of love…only to have it denied. |
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The Universe is out this piece. |
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Thanks iuvare... Nice to know I'm not alone... |
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A friend of mine who happens to be a psychologist gave me this food for tought: it is not because our love is not returned that we feel so distraught. It is because we can't let go of our illusions and expectations. Whether the person we love (or aspire to love) reciprocates or not shouldn't make us feel better or worse. Love is not greedy or selfish, love is just love... |
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But having unmet expectations is what kills you in the end. The illusions concocted by our overactive imagination and our social Hollywood-style ending conditioning to Love with a capital L is what poisons our existence. Of course, this is great in theory but in practice it's a whole different ballgame. |
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Why must we always learn the hard way? |
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Love yourself first and the rest will follow.
Believe in yourself and the world will be at your feet. |
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Things like this make me nervous. |
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I've been in unrequited love. I don't see it as a waste, or as a time I regret. I have no regrets in my life; I hardly understand the concept. |
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Why work in life to stack accomplishments upon accomplishments and to sneer at anything that makes you less efficient, or God forbid, imperfect? When did life become a resume, rather than an experience? |
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Imperfection, pain, and ambiguity of emotion are part of the human condition. If you start to argue an emotion is in and of itself unhealthy than where do you stop? |
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There are arguments against love itself, hate, indifference, anger, pleasure, rebellion, defiance, dissent -- and yet I hear no one realize how fascist and utterly eerie this idea of control is. |
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The thing to do is to be more aware of how to deal with our emotions in a functional, healthy way, but not simply to assuade them with drugs and neurosis. |
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I do not care about my efficiency. I am not a machine, I do not exist purely to function prettily as a gear in a machine, and I resent being told which emotions hinder me or help me. |
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As for limmerance, it is in common psychological practice ideally and simply as a stage in a relationship or type of relationship. (And I hate to appeal to authority, but I was told by a marriage counselor and psychotherapist who is quite likely more qualified than any of us I would assume to make this distinction.) |
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Limmerance is a chemical high to act like "nature's superglue" fading after six weeks as a stage and about 3-4 years as a condition or relationship. There are three outcomes: consummation, transformation, and starvation. Starvation and transformation are limmerance's unrequited forms and are obviously not as enjoyable --they are a normal, unpathological, involuntary condition. |
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However, limmerance can function in an open relationship as the basis for polyamorous affairs -- or in closed relationships where it is unhealthy -- and limmerance can also function in bringing two people together long enough to move to the next stage of love: attachment. |
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I read these posts and I see hardly anyone really understands what limmerance is or the implications in controlling brain chemistry and honestly this disturbs me greatly. |
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Humans seperate themselves viciously from their own humanity -- mortality, emotion, weakness, fault, and if you're religious, sin. I refuse to take a supplement to change my brain and assume for it what evolution will quietly and properly do on its own. Have faith in the systems in place, my impatient brothers and sisters! Do not underestimate the resilience of our species and minds! |
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I do not ignore nature or my nature and I am not ashamed of this or of any part of my needs and desires -- however misguided they may be. They work intricately to make the person I am and can not simply be switched "on" and "off" as I so choose. |
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This page is great. I haven't laughed at my computer this much in a long time. Especially the part about control alt delete, that's classic. But, I do have to say that the tainted love song sucks. I always change the radio on that one. Sorry po. The sonnet is cute but missing a good twist at the end. |
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Anyways, I'd vote against this drug just because I think people are over medicated in general. Everyone is looking for a quick fix to their problems. As the Stones would say, time is on your side - yes it is. It's not the end, but the path that takes you there that is important. |
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Also, it might help to realize that you don't NEED what you DESIRE. It might sound cold hearted but you don't need love. Furthermore, the world is full of pleasures, opportunities abound, so take off your unrequited blinders and look elsewhere. There's something to be said for playing hard-to-get. Put yourself out of reach from the object of your desire. |
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If someone stops loving you the worst thing to do is criticize, complain, argue, or show jealousy. All you can do is try and redirect their energy, jujitsu style. Make your love feel good about their decision, make them laugh. |
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All that being said I'm still a hopless romantic searching for my queen. Just because I haven't written enough already I'm going to add this quote for whoever might still be reading. |
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"One of the most shocking realizations of adult life is that most of us are not fulfilling the most closely held dreams of our youth. Instead of pursuing dreams that were once integral parts of our personalities, we end up in one way or another fulfilling someone else's ideas about who and what we should be, usually at the expense of our creative urges." - Galen Rowell |
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If none of this works, there's always the oral sex alarm clock. |
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The worst thing about unrequited love is the fact that even if they do eventually reciprocate are they worth it? If they loved someone else, do you really want them? You will never forget that they didnt love you back. You will always be wondering what it was about you that they didn't like and why things have suddenly changed. Is it because they have no one else to turn to anymore? Are you their last resort and, knowing how you feel, they are ready to exploit you? Of course I am (obviously) bitter and twisted as I have been used and made to think that there was always hope. Now I realise that there isn't and they never wanted anything more from me. But still, even though I know what a horrible person he is, I love him. If he ever turned around and decided that he loved me back could I ever trust him or respect him? Probably not. But would it matter? Probably not. There is no way out. You never stop feeling it and it doesn't get better. You just have to realise that there is no hope and as soon as you do this you can move on. Stop waiting for something to happen that probably won't. If only it were that simple. Why love someone who won't love you back? It's not worth it. Never cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you. |
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I looked up unrequieted love and learnt of the word limerence. I have had this unrequieted love for 5 years and its not letting up. I am convinced I could never love anyone else the same way. I am glad to see that it is classified as a 'condition' at least because really it is not a matter of choice. The only relief would be consumation or transformation and for the ones that aren't lucky enough maybe the drug would help. anti-requieted love drug should be available. i've read an entry someone wrote 'what about poetry, what about art it will be a poorer world' But at what cost, at what cost. It wouldn't surprise me to learn most people commit suicide because of unrequieted love. |
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That noisy, unrequieted love could drive anyone batty. |
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Question: How specific is this compund meant to be ? Is it hightly targeted at human-human interactions, or would it also relieve the pangs of unrequited love experienced towards, for instance, a Supermarine Spitfire equipped with the Mk. XXIV Merlin engine ? |
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The problem is that if you start to supress a deeply felt longing towards a person, you may also risk inhibiting someone from engaging in "ambitious" behaviour - e.g. "I want a Ferrari - I will work very hard until I earn enough money to buy one". The lust for the Ferrari is, in a very real way, a form of unrequited love. |
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