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Apartmoat

To protect your apartment
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Virtucom originally earned it's wings by creating a long line of lock and door inventions available at discount to halfbakers. Unfortunately, our focus group has informed us that locks and doors really are no deterrent when compared to a moat.

Sadly, large portions of the population are unable to incorporate a moat into their everyday routine because they live in apartments.

Fear not, the apartmoat is here!*

This specially designed trough is constructed from high- strength 1/4 inch annodized stainless steel, and attaches to the hallway walls of your apartment using a high strength cyanoacrylate glue that cannot be easily removed by annoying land lords. Some modification of the existing structure is necessary in order to install a float valve and water source in a safe location.

For those evil scientists still living in apartments, we are prepared to coordinate our efforts with the makers of the "hungry hungry hippos" game in order to place many snapping mouths of vicious animals here and there in the trough.

Depending on your location, specially bred jumping pirhanas can also be used in the moat, although significant modification of the existing structure will be necessary in order to install a pirhana source in a safe location, as most will be unable to jump back into the moat once they have attacked.

Afraid your new 3 inch wide moat will not provide sufficient protection to your apartment? not to worry! Our patented motion sensing technology allows the patented kerosene injector and igniter** to operate flawlessly whenever a hostile presence is detected in the vicinity of your doorway.

* Drawbridge sold separately.

** Manufacturer is not responsible for damage or injury resulting from use of this product. Virtucom recommends purchasing our patented asbestos wallpaper and cieling tiles. We also recommend purchasing fire insurance policies before using this product.

ye_river_xiv, Nov 10 2007

Peep hole improvement Entryway_20pseudo-periscope
Shameless self promotion [ye_river_xiv, Nov 10 2007]

Virtucm lock additions Key_20sensing_20door
yet more shameless self promotion. [ye_river_xiv, Nov 10 2007]

Perfect addition to go with the moat. Porchullis
Shamelessly self-promoting once again [ye_river_xiv, Nov 10 2007]

[link]






       I assume the drawbridge is lowered by remote control?
Spacecoyote, Nov 10 2007
  

       Remoat control Shirley.   

       That all depends. If you get it from one of those cheap chain stores, it'll probably be hand operated. Of course, if you plank down your money for a quality product, remoat control is virtually assured.
ye_river_xiv, Nov 11 2007
  

       On a hand-operated model, wouldn't you have to get someone to operate it so you can leave the apartment?
Spacecoyote, Nov 11 2007
  

       Spacecoyote, that is a bit of moat point.
4whom, Nov 11 2007
  

       Actually, the drawbridge is sold separately because once the flames die down you can just step over the thing. Our vendors pointed out that this meant the expensive drawbridge assembly could just be done without.
ye_river_xiv, Nov 11 2007
  

       I would de moat this idea to the status of the impassible.
Voice, Nov 12 2007
  

       No bone, but no bun either, as there is no mention of tiny crocodiles.
Ned_Ludd, Nov 12 2007
  

       I knew I forgot something. I'll try and edit those in after dinner.
ye_river_xiv, Nov 13 2007
  

       I live in a tree house.
pyggy potamus, Nov 13 2007
  

       [piggy] Add a diving board and you're set.
croissantz, Nov 13 2007
  

       So basically, it's a permanent-mount flamethrower?
ed, Nov 13 2007
  

       No, it's a permanent-mount moat. With ferocious creatures in it... albeit full scale crocodiles will be tough to incorporate into a three inch wide channel. However, we'll see about getting you some sharks with frickin' lasers on their heads.
ye_river_xiv, Nov 13 2007
  
      
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