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Auto Sphincter Tightener

Dignity in your final moments.
 
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Picture the scene, you're lying in your death bed saying your final farewells to your family, imparting great nuggets of wisdom to your eldest son and you finally slip away.. There's suddenly a terrible stink and all your family is left with is the horrible realisation that you've just shat yourself.

Introducing Auto Sphincter Tightener v1.0. This device is implanted in your bowel (possibly a 60th birthday present) and monitors your heart beat. As soon as your heart stops it send an electric current to your sphyncter muscle to keep it closed and hence preserve your dignity in front of your immediate family.

The device only has to last so long until rigor mortis sets in and then you're home free.

sporn, Nov 18 2003

[link]






       I hope there's not a particular reason for the death theme.
half, Nov 18 2003
  

       nope, just taking care of the old and infirm.
sporn, Nov 18 2003
  

       This does absolutely nothing for people who shit themselves while they're still alive.
waugsqueke, Nov 18 2003
  

       yeah, unless they're unfortunate enough to have a heart attack at the same time.   

       jutta, i think funny is subjective. Personally I think death is quite funny in a way. Ever heard of the darwin awards?
sporn, Nov 18 2003
  

       well i guess that it would be useful for fight or flight situations like car accidents then. The device could be linked to a cell phone to dial emergency services whilst keeping your ring closed...
sporn, Nov 18 2003
  

       hmm... a toilet proximity detecting ring closer for babies - you may be on to something there...
sporn, Nov 18 2003
  

       yeah, you're right, it's a crap idea (gettit?) oh nevermind.
sporn, Nov 18 2003
  

       Even better, have it shock your heart back into motion once it detects that it stopped, that way you don't have to die at all!
Condiment, Nov 18 2003
  

       [sporn] - // well i guess that it would be useful for fight or flight situations like car accidents then //   

       Or incorporate a nappy (diaper) into the airbag mechanism?
benjamin, Nov 18 2003
  

       So, people crap themselves when they die, and see a white light at the end of a tunnel. Coincidence?
thumbwax, Nov 19 2003
  

       Be able to fart again after a..."stretch"... in jail?
FeelinPhine, Nov 19 2003
  

       I don't know about the m-f-d. The way I see it, in a Galaxy populated much like that of "Hitchhiker's..." - it'd fit right in. That Galaxy is not unlike that of the halfbakery Galaxy.
thumbwax, Nov 20 2003
  

       I could use this device for when I feed my snake. When she grabs onto the rats and squeezes them they always go number 2 all over the place. this would be a good device if it could withstand Zeus's own sphincter type muscles. Would I be able to take it out and put it in the next rat though? Or would my snake have a bunch of artificial sphincter closers stuck in her?
lizziepunkin, Nov 20 2003
  

       You people are waaaay too sensitive. I didn't realise there were taboo topics on halfbakery...
sporn, Nov 20 2003
  

       taboo? you find a subject we will not discuss!
po, Nov 20 2003
  

       yeah, that schindler was well out of order.
sporn, Nov 20 2003
  

       "imparting great nuggets .." was that before or after you die?
simonj, Apr 05 2004
  
      
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