h a l f b a k e r y
Expensive, difficult, slightly dangerous, not particularly effective... I'm on a roll.
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There are some skills in life which set people apart from
the common herd. The talent to play a musical
well; an adeptness at sculpture or pyrotechnics; a
wit; a suave sophisticated bearing; or the ability to
Sadly, I am not able to wiggle my ears,
at least not
without using my hands or a motorized cap, which
from the effect.
Now, I know that I have ear-wiggling muscles - pretty
much everyone has. I know also that they are enervated
and connected to some dusty corner of my motor cortex.
I know also that, if I could manage that first tentative
twitch, I would be able to practice ear-wiggling until I
proficient almost to the point of self-propulsion.
But, with no visible manifestation of my efforts, there is
no starting point, nothing on which to build and improve.
Therefore, I would like to propose an aid for all those
people who share my affliction.
Since the ear-wiggling muscles (or, to use the
term, the dextral and sinistral dolor ut permissum vos
crispico auribus vestris) lie just beneath a fairly thin
of skin, it should be a matter of a few moments' work
some tin foil and superglue to rig up electrodes which
pick up the faintest stirrings of activity - myogenic
which are too weak and uncoordinated to achieve actual
With a suitable audio feedback, it is my unquenchable
belief that even the most non-ear-wiggling person will
soon learn to control these muscles, to the point where
motion can be perceived.
As an added aid, drinking straws glued to the backs of
ears will quiver at the first signs of auricular flexion,
providing an additional visual feedback in front of the
No longer will you be unjustly held back in life, and no
longer will you suffer from auricular immobility.
Much as described [csea, Oct 15 2011]
Fictional inventor of something not entirely unrelated. [Alterother, Oct 15 2011, last modified Oct 17 2011]
||See [link] for state-of-the-art external ear wiggling.
||The linked product is highly covetable. However, I
would have to point out that there was not a lot of
wiggling going on. A wiggle, as I understand it, has
to consist of at least three consecutive reciprocal
movements evenly spaced within a time interval of
less than two seconds. The wearer in the video
managed a waggle, but that's well short of a wiggle.
||Vaguely similar to the eyebrow-arch training device
invented by Cosmo Lavish. <linkish>
||'Cosmo Lavish' is a wonderful name for a moustache,
although the face it is wearing is a distraction.
||You may want to check with your lawyer before naming
your mustache 'Cosmo Lavish' if you intend to use your
mustache for commercial porpoises.
||I too have spent countless hours of childhood in front of a mirror, hoping for the same.
||The ear-wigglers recieved so much attention for thier special abilities, whereas I, unembraced and ignored, dedicated my life to death and destruction.
||Shirley this would ultimately devalue the wiggle to those who are naturally talented?
||//devalue the wiggle to those who are naturally talented//