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Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2009

In the spirit of christmas presence, we're looking over your shoulder and guiding you through what will happen in 2009, like some kind of personal cricket-oriented id badge.
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These will happen this year, this time - yes indeed. This time, it will all actually come true, and if it doesn't, at least it's the thought that counts (as though that counts). This seasonal spurious laughter house of solstice celebratory silliness gives rise to risible formulaic profferings of future-gazing in our imitable style and stance of distinction. All of this is actually going to happen in theory - it could happen and it's only bureaucracy, politics and studious feasibility that could possibly prevent the possibility of transpiration.
Ian Tindale, Dec 06 2008


       The entire Internet will be spell-chekced and corretcted, once nad for all. By redefining thespelling of words according to baysian algorithms, resulting in a 2009 edition of Teh Dictionry featuring 1,083,870,288 new words.
Ian Tindale, Dec 06 2008

       Products appearing in 2009 will be the first to feature the 'lemon port' battery technology. Instead of the cylindrical receptacles that accept tubular-shaped batteries, these new products will simply have an area into which you shove a lemon, impaling it upon a suitably spikey anode and cathode.
Ian Tindale, Dec 06 2008

       [Ian] will post "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2010"
hippo, Dec 06 2008

       Investing in lemons will be the smart thing to do.In 2009.
cromagnon, Dec 06 2008

       I will annotate [Ian]'s "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2010" with "[Ian] will post "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2011""
hippo, Dec 06 2008

       investing in home safes will be the smart thing to do in 2009.
po, Dec 06 2008

       Living in broken down vehicles will become fashionable.
Spacecoyote, Dec 06 2008

       This prediction will be proven wrong.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 06 2008

       [hippo] will annotate "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2010" saying that he will annotate "Ian will post "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2012"" when "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2011" is posted during 2010.
daseva, Dec 06 2008

       There's definitely two directions that evolve whenever this event is staged. One direction is to look outwards into the outside world and the future, and imagine daft possibilities. The other direction is to look absolutely no further than within the halfbakery, and even only as far as this actual idea on screen.
Ian Tindale, Dec 06 2008

       Thanks to [MaxwellBuchanan], [shapu] will finally learn the definition of the phrase "Ironic tautology," but will not learn the meaning of "ironic."
shapu, Dec 07 2008

       In late 2009 the "wikipedia effect" (where everyone as author is peered with everyone else's authority leading everyone to correct everyone else) will reach critical mass. All diverse opinions will become unified according to statistical norms of accepted belief. All beliefs will become fully documented and modelled and annotated as a single belief paradigm. All believers will learn of the deeper details of the belief by reading about it on wikipedia, and decentralised buildings will be claimed and devoted to getting the people out of their homes at least once a week, whilst aligning with a single unified belief contributed and edited by the people for the people (providing it contains no original research).
Ian Tindale, Dec 07 2008

       At the very end of 2009, [Jutta] will implement Wiki-style editing of HB annotations, and all [IanT]'s contributions will be mysteriously replaced with the phrase "I'm a little tea-pot, short and stout........."
8th of 7, Dec 07 2008

       The world will end September 9th, proving to all the insignificance of the year 2012.
Spacecoyote, Dec 07 2008

       And realization that the bible was written upside down.
daseva, Dec 07 2008

       Gold will go up in price - Housing will continue to fall - a method of producing oil from eels will be discovered, seeing a boom in London's East-End, and the re-adoption of the hovercraft across Europe as vehicle of choice - the word "Crunch" will fall out of favour and numerous cereal manufacturers will be forced to rebrand their products - adopting the word "Crux" as preferred synonym.   

       The summer Cash Crux will take everyone completely by surprise. Marketing departments will resort to the "Ronseal" formula as campaign of last resort. Barry Scott will start shouting again.   

       Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand will launch a new TV production company, which will only be marginally as successful as Chris Evans'.
Chris Evans will launch a new airline, and will only be marginally as successful as Richard Branson's.
Richard Branson will attempt to fly a helicopter around the moon, but will be thwarted after eel-oil prices rocket in the wake of EEEOC (East End Eel Oil Cartel) price fixing and production cut-backs.

       The Cash Crux will be swiftly followed by the Postage-Stamp Squish, The Book-Voucher Mash-Up, and then finally, The Total Global Overall General Mullering of Everything, Ever. Newspaper sales will soar, then go back to normal. By the end of 2009, everything will be just the same as it is now, only it will all smell ever so slightly more of eels.
zen_tom, Dec 08 2008

       The price of marmalade will rise to astronomical heights. Pirates will overthrow orange groves worldwide. The Black Market will handle all sales of marmalade without exception.

       Hint: Stock up now before it's too late!
xandram, Dec 08 2008

       Time will run out in 2009, bringing all of existence to a grinding halt (even the sales of marmalade) and rendering all predictions of the future moot. On the up side though, this will be the salvation of global pension funds.
DrBob, Dec 08 2008

       [xandram]'s secret partnership in the world's largest Seville orange plantation will be exposed.
shapu, Dec 08 2008

       [Ian...] Two lemons, now that's a huge improvement.   

       Evidence will be found that the Earth has not, nor will it ever, undergo a stable, or constant, gravitational pull towards the sun. This is because the sun is not a spheroid, but shaped more like half a portuguese roll, and there are also 373 other planets in the solar system. The downside of this, is that radio-active isotope dating becomes more innacurate, ranging between within a week of the find to several septatrillion years before.   

       The upside, is that the physicists responsible for the find can conclusively claim that, although God may not play dice with the universe, he almost certainly plays D&D with it.
4whom, Dec 08 2008

       In the midst of the marmalade crisis, Vagina Jam will rise to unprecedented popularity.
Spacecoyote, Dec 08 2008

       Isn't that what [spacecoyote] just said?
shapu, Dec 08 2008

       //[shapu] will finally learn the definition of the phrase "Ironic tautology,"// Ironic recursive tautology, shirley?
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 08 2008

       //The unthinkable will happen//   

       You're a year late with that one.
wagster, Dec 09 2008

       user:=[halfbakery_member]; user1:=[halfbakery_member] and not user; for t:=2010 step 1 until alephnull begin P:=´user will annotate P when "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for t+1" is posted during t´; P; end.
Incidentally, limes would be better than lemons.
nineteenthly, Dec 09 2008

       There is an error in your "for" loop. "alephnull" should be replaced with the function hell(freezes, over).
8th of 7, Dec 09 2008

       Ah, that was my problem - I was using the function tillTheCowsCome(home)
zen_tom, Dec 09 2008

       I honestly almost put HELL_FREEZES_OVER . I think i´ve generally kludged it because i´m not sure that the recursion will work the way i want it to. If Moore´s Law ever breaks down, one day the entire web will consist of a concatenation of that string and nothing else, so i may have just inadvertantly caused the collapse of civilisation.
nineteenthly, Dec 09 2008

       //credulous// sp. cretinous
zen_tom, Dec 09 2008

       {what happened to the Predictions from 2008??}
scary stuff...
xandram, Dec 09 2008

       My wife will give birth to the next manifestation of Vishnu, who will surprise everyone by resembling Elvis.
RayfordSteele, Dec 12 2008

       Apple probably won't release any intrinsically interesting devices - only cosmetic improvements - in 2009. Psion may release a small computer targeted at squirrels.
Ian Tindale, Dec 26 2008

       A child will be born who, someday, will be in politics.   

       There will be many earthquakes in California and PNG.   

       Wildfires will destroy numerous homes and cause at least one fatality.   

       Wal-Mart parking lots will add power outlets so car "campers" can plug in their electric blankets.   

       A law will be passed that any new home that is built will be required to have at least 175 watts of solar panels installed.   

       United, Continental and Northwest Airlines will be purchased by American Airlines to stay competitive in the world markets.   

       Boeing will announce that the 787 Dreamliner is delayed, once again, with projected roll-out in December 2012.
Klaatu, Dec 26 2008

       They will be marketed as "preowned". Thousands will buy.
Spacecoyote, Dec 29 2008

       The price of paper currencies will become much cheaper relative to other things by the end of the year.   

       Global Warming will reverse its "reversal" after some country finally gets tired of Somalian Pirates & invades Somalia.
Zimmy, Dec 29 2008

       Cheese will be bought and sold, though not necessarily in that order.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 29 2008

       A situation will arise for which no SImpsons quote applies.
BunsenHoneydew, Dec 30 2008

       Like the phenomena of "Reality Television" prevalent over the past decade, 2009 will see the dawning of the age of "Reality Internet" or "Reality Social Networking". This will focus on the nitty gritty personal details of people living their lives as they live them, using (or leveraging) the existing social networking tools and protocols and apis but specifically directed at breaking down personal identity boundaries. The result will see everyone trying to become as dirty, slutty, undisciplined and rude as possible in order to become source material for services that lap up that sort of thing and feed it to others. A useful side-benefit of this development is that nobody will ever be able to usefully trawl through any prospective applicant's social network profiles to gain an impression of what sort of person they are - everyone's profile will indicate that they are all the lowest of low-lifes, so that avenue will become devalued entirely.
Ian Tindale, Dec 30 2008

       The year will be 1/4 gone by now.   

       Hey, that one came true!
eight_nine_tortoise, Apr 02 2009

       You beat me to it, [longshot9999]
Zimmy, Apr 14 2009


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