In flicking through the televisual offerings available at Buchanan
Towers this evening, my attention was arrested by two programmes
The first was "Crown Green Bowling - Live From Leicester". Long
pauses interspersed with periods of protracted dullness, as an old
a large wooden ball across a level surface towards a
group of other large wooden balls. The commentary, also in
painstakingly dull detail, was provided by a soft-spoken Barnsley man
who managed to bring out all of the nuances of the players' clothing,
the artistry of their post-ball-rolling follow-through, and a detailed
history of players who had worn similar cardigans in the past. All of
this was interspersed with humorous anecdotes about the effect of
humidity on the players' balls.
The second, on a consecutive channel as luck would have it, was
entitled "America's Killer Cop Collisions on Camera", and was
commentatated on by an American gentleman (fair dos) who
managed to emphasize Every Single Word, and to infuse every
sentence with a jocular yet wise analysis: "...but that's one topiarist
who wisely won't be mixing alcohol with weedkiller again!".
Apparently, the same gentleman is employed to do the voice-overs of
all programmes of this type.
It struck me, in a brief moment of lucidity, that these two genres
would both benefit immensely from exchanging commentatatators.
Crown Green Bowling would be hugely improved by phrases such as
"...both players walked away from this head-to-head with only their
pride damaged, but that's one octagenarian who'll remember to
check his balls for splinters from now on.".
Likewise, high-speed collisions would benefit from an in-depth
analysis, accompanied by a Yorkshire voice suited to the pace and
rhythm of a slow-motion replay: "Well....... ah may be wrong about
this, but unless ah'm mistaken e's clipped that people-carrier a little
too short, and e's going to run out of length before 'e can out the
motorcyclist. Last time we saw someone playing this short was back
in, ooooh, let me see now, that'd be the over-60's Interstate All-
Comers finals of 1972, when Eddie Black took a rebound off a bus
and came up short on a double pedestrian."