In most services, the "body" is a tiny fragment of tasteless wafer and the "blood" is cheap wine diluted with water. One wolfs these down with barely a care for poor dead Jesus. That is not his fault, of course, he merely died for our sins. It is the fault of the simulation. Now, I know how much you guys like computers, so here's an analogy for you. Tennis is a sport. It involves sweating and girly white socks and a lot of grunting. So we brought it indoors in the form of Pong. Clever. Until you see Virtua Tennis 3 for XBox. See the point? One is a lousy simulation, the other is still lousy but great by comparison. Now, I must get back to the point, by way of another wearisome segue...

So the other day, in my Versailles apartment, I had a little party. It was great, and I'm sorry you couldn't be here. I supplied wine, bread and various cheeses - guests were to bring nothing unless they felt a cultural need to. The wine was amazing, a gorgeous, rich 2005 merlot from Bordeaux. (We Brits would call this a claret, but that will just confuse things.) The cheese I had sourced was just ok. Quite nice. Then, one of my guests - a Parisien - turned up with some roquefort from a secret place. Anyway, it was almost spiritual in its deliciousness. I can't really describe it. Obscene. Offensive. So clearly the most amazing food ever tasted by any of the 35 people at the party.

Which brings us back to the idea; being critical of mass. If the mouths of the faithful could be filled for five beautiful, contemplative seconds with a mouthful of freshly-baked bread from the better of the two boulangeries on rue de la Paroisse, a slurp of lovely claret and a sliver of divine cheese, would not the embodiment of godliness be more complete?

I really think this could be religion's salvation. Numbers would be up in church and Jesus could rest in peace knowing that his body was getting fairly - if not quite perfectly - represented downstairs. Wholly improved communion, brothers.

[Since posting, my esteemed brethren have supposed that this lacks an invention, per se. I'm not sure one is needed, as a distinct positioning can sometimes earn a spot in the bakery window. However, I'm sensitive to the point raised. So let's call this "Gastronomic Mass Participation". And I suggest that it is the world's first olfactory church service, combining the spiritual with the edible, the religious with the delicious, the pious with the Petrus and the godly with the creamy.]