Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Expletive Activated Car Horn Facilitator

"You honk-honk son of a beep! I'm gonna cut off your paaarps!"
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Okay, so there I was pootling around town happily in my motor when some idiot in a souped-up silver penis-mobile cuts me up on a roundabout causing me to swerve out of his way into the path of another (far more expensive) car, and were it not for the quick reactions of all innocent parties there would have been a Rover to Mercedes interface leading to general carnage, financial ruin at the hands of unscrupulous insurers and the possiblity of underwear soilage. Not pleasant at all...

However, it later dawned on me that in the midst of avoiding the spotty youth in the XR2i, I was furiously trying to pummel the car horn on the steering wheel and consistantly missing, instead hitting light switches, windsceen wiper controls and on at least one occasion, my passengers face. I also managed, while flailing and swerving madly, to execute a stream of expletives which would have made Johnny Rotten blush. None of which the intended recipient could hear.

Wouldn't it be nice - I thought - if there was a device that could somehow reduce the arm-flailing and produce something useful from the profanities that I was uttering. Step forward the Expletive Activated Car Horn Facilitator! Using a cunningly concealed microphone and microprocessor, sophisticated software will recognise naughty words and convert them into car horn beeps and honks. This system will not only recognise cursing but modify the tone and amplitude according to what and how the words were said. For example, a full blown tirade of invective such as I produced ("You f*cking stupid w*nker*!I'll cut your b*lls off!") etc. would be converted into such crescendos of honks, hoots and toots that the miscreant would be in no doubt that he was firmly in the wrong and would immediately pull over his vehicle to apologise on bended knee and pay compensation for any trauma caused. Whereas a muttered "tw*t**" caused by the idiot doing 30 in the middle lane, would be but a mere shifty 'paarp'.

This system also has social benefits in that it may well reduce instances of swearing (in vehicles at least) because if your horn blared everytime you swore, you would surely tone down your language - until it was really needed anyway. And what's more it would save your childrens/mother-in-law/sensitive spouse from hearing your potty mouth as the words themselves would be drowned out in all the honking!

*Thats 'wanker' for our American chums - think 'jerk' but ruder... **And that one is 'twat', less rude than 'fuckwit' but more satisfying than 'plonker' .

rex_mundi, Apr 21 2004

Etymology of Cunt http://members.lyco...t/dissertation.html
Berkshire Hunt, my ass. [jutta, Oct 21 2004]

[link]






       Arse - or should that be 'paaarp'. Just realised that there is a very similar idea on an annotation on the 'Gripping Noise' item. Apologies all - can this idea still stand on its own if I give credit to Alcin who made the annotation?
rex_mundi, Apr 21 2004
  

       So what happens when i put my eminem cd on?
MikeOliver, Apr 21 2004
  

       Hopefully your stereo blows up.
Mr Burns, Apr 21 2004
  

       Not a fan eh burns... gotta say its not often in my stereo, but i would be concerned of the consequences if it was.
MikeOliver, Apr 21 2004
  

       try being more under control
SystemAdmin, Apr 21 2004
  

       It would be nice if the offending driver would hear the horn in his vehicle without you having to hear it yourself.
phundug, Apr 21 2004
  

       [Toadinnov] I am Rex_Mundi the real Rex_Mundi and all the other Rex_Mundi's are just imitating.. Sorry got caught up in the Eminem vibe from above :) Speaking of which [MikeOliver] I perhaps neglegted to mention the Voice Recognition Software involved would be trained to recognise the voice of whoever's driving and the swearwords by which they intend to activate the E.A.C.H.F. thus negating the constant horn-honking which would result from any number of angry young rappers being played on the stereo. Anyhoo, back to [Toadinnov] - I *never* confuse my twits and my twats...!
rex_mundi, Apr 22 2004
  

       Toadinnov another case where the Mother Tongue (English, English as spoken in England) has been subverted and misunderstood by the colonials.   

       Twat does have a gynaecological connotation as does C*nt doesn't prevent it from being used as an insult.
engineer1, Apr 22 2004
  

       C*nt is apparently derived from 'Berkshire Hunt', doncha know.   

       Presumably there whould be downloadable firmware updates to keep abreast of the latest trends in expletives ?
rennard, Apr 22 2004
  

       My understanding is that the term "berk" is a rhyming slang for "cunt". As in "Berkshire Hunt".
whimsickle, Apr 23 2004
  

       But Berkshire is pronounced "Barkshire" and berk is pronounced "burk"   

       I always thought cunt was an old english/saxon/german type word. And don't anyone dare tell me fuck is an acronym for For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge cos that's utter bollocks.
hazel, Apr 23 2004
  

       That link is an amazing piece of work!   

       The Berkshire/Berkeley hunt thing still doesn't work in England because Berkshire/Berkeley are pronounced "bark" whilst berk is "burk". Probably works better in the US?
hazel, Apr 23 2004
  

       Welcome to the bakery.
krelnik, Apr 24 2004
  
      
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