h a l f b a k e r y
Professional croissant on closed course. Do not attempt.
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This morning I went to make sandwiches for my children to take to school. Problem: we had run out of bread!
I made a quick trip to our local bakery, which is a few blocks away, and picked up a loaf of bread that was still too hot to handle, fresh from the oven. It filled my car with tantalising
aromas of yeasty goodness and sweet memories.
On the way home, it occurred to me that people would probably be prepared, for special occasions, to buy a single-use bed made from a massive, flat loaf of fresh bread, sliced into a mattress and duvet.
Snuggle into the soft, pliant, doughy bread and bask in its heavenly aroma.
Also available in wholegrain, for those who want to roughage it a little, and in brioche/croissant, for the utter hedonist or for when you really want to impress someone.
Midnight snacks are now a... well, a snack.
Bread Bed Found
http://www.easternedge.ca/2003-07.php
Not the University of Arizona as [EdisonsTwin] said, but a place called Eastern Edge Gallery in Newfoundland, Canada. [Canuck, Aug 16 2006]
Wonder Bread
http://www.wonderbread.com/
The home of every white, middle-class American's favourite food. [Canuck, Aug 16 2006]
[link]
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I would much prefer a giant cream puff, but a little loaf for you because fresh bread does smell so good.+ |
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(Instead of Bed & Breakfast...Bed IS Breakfast.) |
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It was cold here at 5:30 this morning, when I went down to get the bread before I left for my 6:30 meeting. The bread made me want to curl up inside it and have a quiet snooze. |
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Careful with that marmalade, Eugene! |
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Bun, primarily for usage of the word 'pliant'.[+] |
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Thanks for the bun. It will make a nice pillow. |
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//it occurred to me that people would
probably be prepared// - That
supposition has underpinned many an
idea here which would otherwise be
entirely without foundations. |
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Not tonight darling, I have a yeast infection |
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I woke up screaming again last night. I thought my bread bed would help me sleep, but I keep having nightmares of being at a lunch meeting for giants. |
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The unleaveaned version sold to Jews during Passover might not be very comfortable |
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Weren't you just complaining about the rats, er, possums? Now you'll never get rid of them! |
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[UB] ...are you just loafing around today? |
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Such pain-ful puns, guys. |
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Yeah, he likes it. He's a gluten for punishment. When it comes to puns, I can almost always rise to the occasion, but I'll just be leaven well enough alone on this one. |
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The response is all bueno so far. Someone else is bound to pan it. |
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[half] I cannot stop laughing, thanks, I needed some back up here. |
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I need to to be more lavash in my use of puns, don't I?' |
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Last night I dreamt I was eating a giant pillow... |
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...and when I woke up my marshmallow had turned into a... no, that's not right, ...my bread had eaten my... no, not that either... |
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//I need to to be more lavash in my use
of puns, don't I?'// pun-gent ardour |
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How would the bed be delivered? Getting it over the doorstep might be a bit tricky. On saying that I laver good nap in the morning; roll over and spread myself across the mattress. |
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//On saying that I laver good nap in the morning// Oh yes, me too, on the weekends, I prefer to get up at around 'leaven. |
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I was thinking to myself earlier “hadn’t ciabatta join in with this” but to pita my loaf against such giants, I’m not sure I can rise to that. I don’t want to make a bloomer and have everyone scofa me. |
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//I don’t want to make a bloomer// |
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It's the yeast I could do. I'm just loafing around the office, which is one of the rolls I play. |
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Stop it! Stop it! Can't take any more. Anyway you slice it, these puns are so baked, it's not leaven funny anymore. |
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Life is like a shit sandwich: The more bead you've got, the less shit you have to eat. |
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...unless you can somehow bake a miniature loaf (say about 1cc) and place just a *tiny* sliver of poo between the slices. |
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O, wouldst that I could fashion bread
To lay upon as if in bed
Mine heart would soar, and winged be
Mine spirit, glad, unburdened be
In quiet slumber, by crust protected
Daily turmoils are rejected
No boogeyman, no wraith nor ghost
Safe, I slumber warm as toast
Sweet dreams waft upon the night
But with the morning's gentle light
An empty feeling rumbles deep
Alas what urge disturbs my sleep?
Breakfast! I must get me fed
Don't have a cow, just eat the bed! |
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I tried to lie down on a loaf last night, just to see if this would work. It wasn't very supportive. |
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Give us this day, our daily bed... |
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Q: How long before it turns hard? |
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'Why's this section of the bed so much higher?'
"Yeast infection." |
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This idea has actually been baked. I can't provide a link, but when I was a graduate student at the University of Arizona I went to a graduate student art gallery and someone had made a bed out of loaves of wonderbread. No joke, that's how stupid art has gotten. |
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What is wonderbread? Do I want to know? |
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UB, wonderbread, or more correctly Wonder Bread, is an American brand of white bread that is used as a standard of blandness in North America. It is perceived as a sort of stereotypical, nourishment-free food-of-the-masses. |
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I won't say your idea is baked but I found a link something like what [EdisonsTwin] was referring to. It differs in that it makes a bed out of bread slices, whereas yours is a single loaf dedicated to its purpose. |
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If I were sleeping between two huge slices of bread, I'm pretty certain I'd have nightmares about being eaten by a giant who mistook me for a sandwich. Obviously a bun for the idea anyway. |
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I just read each and every pun and am desperately trying not to groan out loud. |
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It goes against the grain, I've grown to realise, to groan about puns. That sort of thing merely shortens your life. |
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