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Guy garters
Manly garters for manly men... who are not in tights. | |
With the fall of the men's briefs in favor of other options men are once again free to more precisely regulate the temperature of their members.
Sadly, these other options cause sweaty sack stickage. This medical condition is highly uncomfortable. The only two treatments for sweaty sack stickage
are to place a physical barrier between thigh and member, or to engage in frequent, and highly unproffesional package shifting throughout the day.
Current physical barrier options include briefs and thongs, both of which restrict the motion of the organ, interfere with temperature regulation, and cause immature people to level accusations of homosexuality against the wearer.
Guy garters will prevent sweaty sack stickage by keeping a protective band snugly placed around each thigh. Your package will then be free to regulate temperature without the need for frequent shifting, and you will be able to retain all the bathroom conveniences of going commando without the threat of sweaty sack stickage looming over your head.
Edit: For increased manliness, it will feature tool-belt style pockets, suitable for containing various items you might need in situations which involve an absence of trousers. Possible items may include condoms, a few pieces of toilet paper, rear-facing tazers, reading material... uhh... maybe I'll let the engineers worry about that after it gets approved for the design phase.
Short name, e.g., Bob's Coffee
Destination URL.
E.g., http://www.coffee.com/
Description (displayed with the short name and URL.)
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trying to visualise how a manly garter would look (and desperately trying to erase other imagery from my short-term memory) |
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to be manly, it would need to be of a rubbery or leathery appearance, probably with a sweaty stain design. a little unique token of manlihood to beef up the design stitched into the front of each e.g. an embroidered Michelin man or something. |
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Although one prefers to just walk with a very wide stance, there is merit in this idea for formal walking. |
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Johnson's Baby Powder is a sovreign remedy for all such swampiness. Next time you're at a wedding where there are men in kilts, watch out for the 10 o'clock tacky testicle tackling twitches, in which men who have gone commando under the kilt suddenly engage in a preposterous series of stance adjusting, including standing with legs wide apart in Stretch Armstrong style and rolling the hips. Nine yards of heavyweight tweed, a few beers, a soft-shoe shuffle or two in a warm room and any man's dangly bits' dryness will be compromised to the extent that extreme discomfort ensues. Chafing, too. NEVER wear a kilt without scanties - you might as well wear boxers made out of an old damp jaggy tweed jacket. |
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<blasts semi-masticated banana at monitor> |
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what you Scots got against boxers? |
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Nothing. I'm a big fan of Muhammad Ali. |
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Swiss Army Kecks. They'd need to be a utility belt of some description. If it could hold items useful when sitting on the toilet it might be handy. Or perhaps condoms and a bit of lube. |
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<sprays coffee at monitor> |
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<gets new LCD monitor to replace old CRT> |
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My pants already hold items useful when sitting on the toilet. That's kind of the point. |
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So, what, like assless cotton chaps? |
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Baked. It's called a thong. |
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Another thing about going commando under the kilt at weddings etc. If you sit down on a plastic seat (you know - the ones with a faux-leather vinyl cover, usually in beige) without first ensuring that the kilt is tucked under your bum, you can get a totally unwanted nasty warm sticky-cocktail-drippy plastic cover/ bare ass interface, which is none too pleasant. Unless you like having hot sticky plastic on your ass, which is none of my business. |
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strictly speaking a thong is a different design altogether. |
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I s'pose. It's just an assless piece of string, really. |
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have you seen what something that thin can do to cheese? |
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My wife expressed astonishment last night at what someone as fat as me could do to a piece of cheese. Does that mean I'm the opposite of a thong? |
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Briefs aren't unmanly, and they work fairly well to prevent sticking and swinging. |
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Granted, they're not perfect, but would you rather wear a codpiece? |
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//Johnson's Baby Powder is a sovreign remedy for all such swampiness.// |
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It's hard to feel manly when sporting anything pertaining to a baby. |
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I myself am a big fan of wearing briefs. What's a little sterility with the current population of the world? and I am after all, quite fond of avoiding testicular injuries. |
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All the same, my stance on genital safety seems to be falling into disfavor at the moment, and I thought I'd try my hand at other possible solutions to the problem at hand... I mean, in my pants... Uhh, never mind. |
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Fashion is such a whiny little witch that I shun her as often as possible. My underwear is my concern and noone else's. If you have a problem with my briefs, then it's your problem, not mine. |
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<please read the following paragraph using an appropriate Scots accent>
Having said that, for all you mincing pansies out there who feel the need to toe the fashion line, as it were, try lining your inner thigh areas where the lads may rest with a piece of suede or chamois. You can hold it in place with some medical-grade adhesive tape. I would suggest you sit in a nice warm bath to release the tape's grip if you're not into S&M. |
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If you are into S&M, you could attach some crocodile clips to your nipples and be spanked while you do it. |
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Even more useful if impregnated with fungicide- then you could market it with the trademark 'Fun Guy'. |
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...or perhaps some sort of spray-on Teflon coating? |
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"It's hard to feel manly when sporting anything pertaining to a baby." |
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You should try a Bob the Builder hat. |
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"My wife expressed astonishment last night at what someone as fat as me could do to a piece of cheese. Does that mean I'm the opposite of a thong?" ~ Overshare alert! |
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