h a l f b a k e r y
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Everyone needs to cook things, even if you like raw meat and frozen chili. The only problem is, what if you really crave human but don't have the time to cook it in the oven?
Well my friend, you're a sick, sick person and should seek help and/or drunk cowboys who will beat you to death. Only
lions, tigers, bears and sometimes mountain yetis eat humans. Oh, and mimes, but no one cares about them.
*Magical Segue to Idea*
Practicality and fashionality (yeah, I know, but I don't care. This is MY idea, damn it) are sometimes mutually exclusive, but every so often a breakthrough comes along and shakes the world by its ankles until it bleeds honey from its asshole. I have no idea what that means, but it's probably pretty serious.
Now that you've gotten tired of reading and may/may not have accepted this idea as your supreme ruler despite having no concept yet as to where I'm going with this, let me introduce you to the Human Microwave. And refrigerator. And toaster, urinal, can opener, and so on.
Far too long have we neglected and overlooked the faithful department store mannequin as a potentially practical product of shitty alliteration. Oops - I mean appliance. By simply converting a mannequin into an appliance, we create what is commonly referred to as "a mannequin converted into an appliance." They can be customized to suit the situation; rich people could have microwave butlers, heroin junkies could have track marked toaster mannequins that inject butter, homicidal maniacs could have a can opening head, and action movie stars could tear into the chest of their arch nemesis and pull out an ice cold beer. And for all you fetishists out there (this is the internet after all), take a leak in/on the Human Toilet without all the messy cleanup afterwards.
These devices also come with the ability to be dressed up to fit current trends/moods/nuclear warheads. Feel like making love? Redecorate with lingerie. Feel like partying? Redecorate with booze in hand. Feel like puking your ass off? Redecorate with scrubs and stethoscopes. Feel like warming up? Set your house on fire and take a nap in the bathroom.
Also available with kung-fu grip.
Human Bong coming soon.
[calum, Jan 21 2005]
Moloko - Clockwork Orange drink
[FarmerJohn, Jan 21 2005]
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||I laughed, I laughed, I cried a little, I tasted ear.
||Here's a welcome back bun.
||Nice toaster... I like where the milk comes from, but I'm NOT touching that chocolate bar!
||Didn't milk come out of mannequins in Clockwork Orange? Or am I misremembering?
||Does it come with a clock?
||Very, very difficult to microwave a human. In fact a chicken is about the largest thing which can be cooked with microwaves because (I think) the amount of penetration of microwave energy into your food is nearly nothing after the first wavelength (12.2cm). I am nearly out of my depth as far as the physics of this goes however, so if you know more about this, then please correct me.
||Heh, heh ,heh, Swiss mannequin.
||Praise the Lord and pass the gravy he's done it again! BREAD!!!
--mensmaximus, Jan 21 2005 //
I'm sorry, I'll try not to (Ya anymore. It's a nasty habit I have.