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Human Precipitation Defence Programme

It’s raining men…What do you mean ‘Hallelujah’? …Are you insane?
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Imagine the catastrophic effect of millions of fully grown humans falling to Earth as rain from the clouds. Disregarding the mind-bending horror of witnessing so many people splashing gruesomely into the ground, one must also consider the colossal property damage, massive citizen fatalities, and an exhausting clean-up process. It is one of the greatest conceivable threats to the planet imaginable. Therefore I propose a programme of preparation and prevention to combat this potential peril.

In order to prevent we must first understand; we must identify the source of these precipitationous men. How is it possible that this multitude of fully grown, rough, tough, strong and mean men first came to be falling from the sky? There are a few theories - research into each is paramount.

Preparation relies on the cause; therefore several defensive conditions have been devised in order to adequately equip the populace with the appropriate HPD equipment. See HPDCON section below.

Possible causes:

Mass Religious Suicide
A huge suicidal cult hires a fleet of planes and fills them with thousands of devotees. They do not take parachutes.
__Prevention__ – A religious watchdog is set up to infiltrate emerging cultist movements and report any inclinations of mass suicide. At the same time an international law is passed by the UN banning the appropriation of aircraft by religious groups.
__Preparation__ – HPDCON 3

Hurricane over men’s prison
During a mass scrub-down in the yard of a large prison for men, an extremely strong localised twister lifts all of the inmates up into the air and deposits them over a nearby town.
__Prevention__ – Provide prisons with state of the art barometers and weather predicting utilities in order to schedule unnecessary external mass scrub-downs during least-risk times.
__Preparation__ – HPDCON 3

US military death-row trebuchet programme
Due to lack of resources, the US military begin to use death row inmates as missiles in large trans-Atlantic trebuchets capable of hurtling a grown man from Texas to the Middle East within a degree of accuracy of 120 miles. Either these trebuchets are used gratuitously by the US resulting in a constant barrage of humans across the Middle East and Europe, or they lose control of them to other powers who turn them on their creators.
__Prevention__ – UN sanctions to be enforced against nations using human projectiles.
__Preparation__ – HPDCON 3 - If left unchecked, the death-row trebuchet programme could result in a chronically sustained, though moderate-density, human rainfall barrage due to the huge number of death row inmates in the US, and the inevitable increase in death sentences for minor offences as the government attempt to provide further ammunition.
Coastal cities across Western Europe should erect enormous nets to catch the inmates, where they will be rounded up and escorted under guard to freighters bound for Australia.

Freak hospital-plane cloud-insemination accident
A plane transporting human semen and eggs accidentally dumps its cargo mid-flight in the centre of an enormous storm cloud, within which the eggs are fertilised and gestate. When fully grown the humans fall to Earth.
__Prevention__ – This theory has been widely confronted with scepticism due to the lack of heat and nutrition in a cloud. However, if it were possible, these humans would not pose as much of a threat, being made up mostly of water. Moreover, simple precautions can be taken in the transportation of ovum and spermotazoon, illud est, separately. Like the Royal family.
__Preparation__ – HPDCON 1

Parallel Universe
A theory first expounded by Prof. Jerry Gorshwicz (of no fixed abode) illustrates how the Universe is in constant friction with its parallel equivalents. His theory, generally aired when given food, or change for a cup of tea, is that these, “Worlds in opposition can cause God damn miraculous and otherwise unexplainable events garble garble!” He goes on to say, “Trust in me you wretched heathens, the other place shall open its unholy mouth and garble forth a monstrous saturate of men upon this Earth. And lo, the ladies shall rip off their roofs and stay in bed, yet they shall perish under the destructive force of man, you piddling, garbling swines you!”
__Prevention__ – Gorshwicz believes that atonement will be enough. Also, if we give him three ham sandwiches a day, and enough cider to fill a cup, he will personally protect our planet from the trans-dimensional rift.
__Preparation__ – HPDCON 3 – Unknown quantity, likelihood and frequency of human precipitation. Standard safeguards should be implemented in areas infamous for spectral and/or supernatural phenomenon. Coastal cities near the Bermuda triangle, local villages of Loch Ness in Scotland, and Transylvania should all be considered for the scheme.

Care Bear bestiality
The male genitalia of a Care Bear is said to be barbed, like a dog’s or a spider-monkey’s. It is possible that female Care Bears have been abducting male humans to procreate in comfort. Indeed, some millennia ago this cross-species inter-breeding may have been the genetic spark for the species’ comparative intelligence, moral code and social awareness. Perhaps sometime in the near future a rebel faction of despondent male Care Bears rises up and expels the human men from their place in the clouds, throwing them to a horrible and messy death thousands of miles below.
__Prevention__ – Mass surveillance to be installed in children’s bedrooms to recover intel on Care Bear movements and intentions. Fleet of Harrier Jump Jets on stand-by in various locations around the globe, ready to destroy Care Bear Land in a barrage of AAM, possibly nuclear-tipped warheads.
__Preparation__ – HPDCON 4

Mother Nature
As a single woman, Mother Nature might enjoy one too many glasses of wine and get knocked up by some randy angels.
__Prevention__ – It would be unwise to prevent Mother Nature the ability to create life (possibly by saturating the planet with progestogen), however, the opposing solution - ie catching and castrating angels - poses its own problems. For one, their physical existence is questionable. If indeed they do exist their powers of elusion are so adept it is unlikely we would be able to find one. Therefore, if Mother Nature and the angels are responsible for an impending storm of human precipitation there is likely no prevention possible.
__Preparation__ – HPDCON 5 - Total worldwide anarchy. A global catastrophe.

Human Precipitation Defence Condition

HPDCON 1
Large, metal umbrellas should be provided for those venturing out into a rainstorm, which should be enough to disperse any watery men that fall on someone.

HPDCON 2
Personal surface-air radar to detect incoming human projectiles made available for purchase. General reinforcement of roofs, bus shelters, and cars etc.

HPDCON 3
Areas of escalated risk are fitted with either nets to catch humans or angled shoots and slides to feed them into nearby incinerators. Nets will be manned with armed guards for the incarcerationally challenged, or to place innocent newcomers to our planet in quarantine to be processed and duly released into society.

HPDCON 4
There is no HPDCON 4.

HPDCON 5
Fully integrated system of survival against a potentially endless storm of human precipitation. This includes:
1.) Concave spires to be erected over every building, remotely adjusted to point towards the incoming humans. These are connected to a system of shoots and slides feeding incinerators in order to destroy as much of the flesh as possible.
2.) There will also be an emergency curfew law and warning system to ensure all civilians are out of danger as quickly as possible.
3.) Food delivery to bomb shelters can be made in emergencies via tanks.
4.) Lock your doors and close your mind. You'll probably only have a 2 minute warning.

________________________

Further research and deliberation will be required to devise a CADCON, in order to prepare us for when it rains cats and dogs.

(Care Bear, Parrallel Universe and Mother Nature theories proposed by my colleague and esteemed apprentice 'baker [sugar pants])

theleopard, Nov 14 2007

Rains of flesh and blood http://www.anomalis...rts/fleshblood.html
[bungston, Nov 14 2007]

many strange reports http://www.prairieg....com/falls_sky.html
[xandram, Nov 15 2007]

Obligatory python sketch http://www.youtube....eature=channel_page
[Ling, Aug 31 2009]

For when it rains cats and dogs http://www.vetstrea...national_canine.htm
[AbsintheWithoutLeave, Aug 31 2009]

Vultan & Co http://www.toplessr...m/vultan-758962.gif
Imagine being on the ground when this lot starting having a ruck? [theleopard, Sep 02 2009, last modified Jul 21 2011]

Base jumping fatalities http://www.splatula.com/bfl/
I wish I had discovered this sport when I was younger. I'm too mortal now. [normzone, Sep 02 2009]

Nitza Kremer tells of the dead pilot crashing through the roof http://images1.ynet...ver/114558/ss_a.jpg
Cant find the video (was shown on Israel TV) Stephan Nikolian Armenian Lebanese pilot shot down after crossing border and approaching military airport [pashute, Mar 03 2013]

[link]






       next up - cats & dogs
po, Nov 14 2007
  

       Rule #4 of the HPDCON?
There is no Rule #4 of the HPDCON.
phoenix, Nov 14 2007
  

       //next up //
You haven't quite worked out this gravity thingy, have you [po]?
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Nov 14 2007
  

       that's a grave accusation.
po, Nov 14 2007
  

       [theleopard], you've either got to take more of it, or less of it.
normzone, Nov 14 2007
  

       Surely the HDPCON 3 for parallel universe will include monitoring of ammityville, Winchester, and Salem? Such pseudo-religious possibilities seem highly likely as your esteemed Professor is not getting his sadwiches on a regular basis yet, and the song includes a "Hallelujiah." I also recommend infiltrating certain religious institutions (Scientologists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholics, Mormons, etc.) in an attempt to better understand the mechanisms of possible reverse-raptures, how the mighty have fallen in ages past, and "spirit babies." Also to make sure that none of the fervent believing women who have heard of this possibility might actually be praying for such an apocalypse.   

       Surely also, Mother nature would be more amenable to natural partners. Have all male hippies, hunters, Al Gores, etc. get their vas deferens cut "to prevent overpopulation."   

       I'm also surprised you have not considered the mind altering drug theory. Drug addicts consume drugs in order to get high. In areas of extreme drug usage numerous men are likely to get high enough to be incorporated into the evaporation cycle, and when they come down that is the cause of it raining men. Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. We should be sure to expand our terrorist tracking network, as we now know that only terrorists sell drugs. This will allow us to locate areas of extreme threats.
ye_river_xiv, Nov 14 2007
  

       NO CROISSANT...why'd you have to bring care bears into the picture, what did they ever do to you?   

       but thanks for the heads-up...   

       i will now cootie-proof my treehouse.
pyggy potamus, Nov 14 2007
  

       ...and I stepped in a Liverpuddlian.   

       Ick.
elhigh, Nov 15 2007
  

       // you've either got to take more of it, or less of it.//   

       Whatever it is, I want some of it. I'm going to bun this. I've seen more ridiculous programs be created by government.
Noexit, Nov 15 2007
  

       You're right of course [ye], the theories aren't entirely exhaustive. I forgot also the possibility of a global anti-gravity relapse, during which everyone indoors would find themselves lying on the ceiling for 3 hours, and everyone outdoors would hurtle up in to the sky. Later, should the relapse relapse, it will indeed rain men. However it will also rain animals, vehicles, garden furniture, industrial containers and, of course, the ocean, as well as many other objects otherwise unstipulated in the song.   

       Ms [pyggy], if this catastrophe truly is the work of Care Bears, you have my deepest sympathies.
theleopard, Nov 16 2007
  

       ...and all because some idiot missed out the comma in that song - it's supposed to be: "It's raining, men (so don't forget your umbrellas)".
hippo, Nov 16 2007
  

       Brilliant. Now all we need is a hero.
zen_tom, Nov 16 2007
  

       Forget the HPDCON. Go get yourself wet, girl.
globaltourniquet, Nov 16 2007
  

       You've forgotten the most likely cause: mass failing of the Heavenly Rapture Delivery System due to instantaneous overload and a lack of trial runs to work the bugs out.
RayfordSteele, Nov 19 2007
  

       Sugarpants wants to know who's been fish boning us.
sugar pants, Nov 20 2007
  

       Welcome sugar pants. We hopes you have not contracted the ECL in, or, in any way subscribe to their services. Eagerly awaiting your first post, which should be better than someone's, at least by a half.
4whom, Nov 21 2007
  

       Such an attack could also come from levitated yogis, of which India has an abundance. Should Pakistan come under human bombardment from its neighbor and archenemy, India, it will be unable to retaliate in kind because of the yogi gap.
ldischler, Aug 28 2009
  

       //How come it never rains women?//   

       [UnaBubba], same net result, vis a vis cataclysm, but I admire your prudence. Precipitatiousness women should also be considered. Perhaps a hurricane in the ocean might spit out a community of mermaids across Miami beach, or a lesbian cruise ends in disaster when the dirigible aircraft they are on bursts over Switzerland.   

       Frightening.
theleopard, Aug 28 2009
  

       Red light district, good thinking.
theleopard, Aug 28 2009
  

       This is absolutely awesome! How the hell did i miss i first time round?
I was a teenager when the record came out, and the girl who wasn't my girlfriend at the time asked me how i'd feel if it really happened. Ever since then, hearing it has struck fear into my heart. It was hard enough for me to find a significant other as it was, and if it rained men i would have had no choice but to turn gay.
nineteenthly, Aug 31 2009
  

       And once it's raining cats and dogs, ...?
jutta, Aug 31 2009
  

       Good point, [Jutta]. Actually, i was thinking of the men already on the ground rather than the ones falling from the skies. My idea was that all straight women would be happy with their new men, so there'd be none left for me.
Could there not be a simultaneous cicada-like emergence of women from the ground or the sea to balance it out? I suppose the problem with that is that the men from the sky and the women from the sea/ground would then just pair off and everyone else would be back where they started.
nineteenthly, Aug 31 2009
  

       Hm. Tricky. I guess you could get a big catapult and try to pass for precipitation.
*twang*
"Wheeee!"
*thud*
jutta, Aug 31 2009
  

       Well, maybe that's another scenario which explains humanfalls. A few people fall from the sky. Then, in a panic induced by memories of the song, men start to ping themselves into the air, encouraging others to do the same until it turns into mass hysteria, like a dancing plague or the Tanganyika Laughing Epidemic.
nineteenthly, Aug 31 2009
  

       I thought human precipitation was related to those Mardi Gras keg parties on balconies.
bungston, Aug 31 2009
  

       Roof parties, there's a danger area. The owners of a New York penthouse suite throw a swanky cocktail party but when Sarah Jessica Parker turns up everyone hurls themselves off the roof to avoid her haggard, snarling, whorish face. Citizens below are massacred.   

       Solution? Destroy SJP at all costs.
theleopard, Sep 01 2009
  

       You also forgot about the super secret agent battling with bad guys in the doorway of an unpiloted aircraft. This seems to be quite a common cause of human precipitation, if my TV is to be believed.
DrBob, Sep 01 2009
  

       Further Hawkmen peril [linky].
theleopard, Sep 02 2009
  

       Thanks for the link [pashute].   

       A couple of months ago, my girlfriend was sitting in a North London café with a friend when the roof suddenly caved in over their heads and a pair of legs wiggled fruitlessly from the ceiling. The customers were promptly ushered out as they tried to help the (presumed) man from above. No explanation was given, but I think we can all appreciate the menace of such an event.   

       Action must be taken. It's happening now, all over the world. It will only escalate, mark my words.
theleopard, Mar 04 2013
  
      
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