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// reduction of border security personnel // |
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Pssst ... they're almost all just cardboard cutouts now. There's only one part-time employee left at the UK border force, and their job is to go out at night and move the cut-outs around ... |
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Oh, so the cardboard budget got approved after all? |
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Not as such, they're mostly repainted ones from when the police were downsized - they can't even afford cardboard cutouts any more. |
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The border force bloke had to steal the paint, because there was no money to pay for it, and got spotted by a checkout girl - but as there aren't any police any more, he got away with it. He was lucky - he's very slow now, not surprising they forced him to retire from his job at the school crossing patrol. He only does the border security thing to get out of the house and get some use out of his bus pass. |
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Sturton used to make very good money smuggling people from
Wales into England. Eventually the locals cottoned on, but it
was good while it lasted. |
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One of his less unpleasant schemes; when people end up in wales often their first thought is to hide from the inhabitants lest they become dinner for the locals - a competent courier service to extract them safely and discreetly from their perilous situation is highly desirable. |
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//One of his less unpleasant schemes// Yes, well, you might
want to try travelling in the inside pocket of Sturton's
greatcoat before you say that. |
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I don't understand this idea at all. If someone could explain
it to me, that would be very much appreciated. |
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1) Currently people smuggle people from other
countries into the UK (god knows why). |
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2) There are a lot of UK citizens in other countries,
some working and some are retired. |
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3) The retirees (their pensions are paid in GBP) will
suffer a greatly diminished income. So, instead of
G&T's on the veranda, it's going to be just T, or not
even that. |
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4) The only country in world where 1 GBP will still
worth 1 GBP is... the UK. |
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5) Ergo, the pensioners will come home, and seeing
as we have about 2 million out there, they will
swamp the number of people being smuggled in from
other countries. So, a net influx of our own people. |
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Do I have to do all the thinking around here? If so,
god help the planet |
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Yes, you do. There is no god. You're all doomed. |
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(^ pssst, you didn't quite get the Frazer out Dad's Army
rolling r's) |
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<Long, pointless, irrelevant rambling anecdote concerning the 'Wild an' lonely Isle o' Barra' /> |
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"Yerrrr aaaaaaallll DOOMED !" |
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Well, [8th] can certainly get his tongue round his r's. |
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That was more than sufficient. |
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Now, back to the bagpipe drone...well it's well know
bagpipes have one drone (and sometimes more) so the
aerial bagpipe drone is merely a step away. |
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Apparently the Roman emperor Nero was a player of
bagpipes, it all means something. |
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In the sense that it should be placed on a hard surface and stamped on with heavy boots until it's reduced to splinters, yes. |
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// Nero was a player of bagpipes // |
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Given the innumerable accusations of depravity made about him, it's likely that "playing the bagpipes" was a euphemism for something utterly disgusting. It could not, for example, involve music, as music cannot be produced using bagpipes. |
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The only things that can be reliably produced using bagpipes are a splitting headache, a small but useful quantity of kindling in its own bag, and an irresistible compulsion to strangle the operator. |
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I really don't understand what you've got against bagpipes,
[8th]. They can be absolutely beautiful en masse,
approaching over the brow of a hill still damp from the
morning's dew and kissed by the early sun. |
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No hang on. Fallow deer. I was thinking of fallow deer. |
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