h a l f b a k e r yNeural Knotwork
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Vladimir Kramnik is the current world chess champion.
At this restaurant the floor is an 8 x 8 grid of black and white squares. Decor is also black and white, with two tablecloth colours and contrasting crockery and napiery.
Tables number 32, with varying prices paid for a table, depending upon
how long you intend to stay. The cheap tables are the pawns and therefore suffer the most disruption. There are four kitchens, all mobile, represented by the four rooks, or castles. They don't move as much as most other pieces.
Bookings are essential, if you want to be a player. On occasion there will be a Grandmaster visiting, and you may wish to play a show game against him. These are usually short games. The players sit at a table, high above the action, so they can keep the board in view.
As soon as a piece is moved a team of waiters rush out and relocate your table and party to the destination square, then silently retreat to their station. Any pieces taken are moved to the sidelines, to watch.
You may leave during a game, if you wish, so long as there is someone waiting to take your table.
The King and Queen tables of the winning side get their meals for free.
No, it's nothing like the Chess Restaurant, at the Bali Nusa Dua. You may play chess while at the table, if you wish, but your game is likely to be upset each time you move.
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Finally, something to do at dinner besides eat. Do the waiters have to retreat in silence? Can't they heckle diners as they make their way back to their station? |
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They can heckle you, if you wish. Likely as not they will spill your soup when your table moves. |
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I will say, with all impartiality, I'd better get an extremely steep discount if my meal is disrupted all night for someone else's enjoyment (steep; i.e. they pay for my meal.) Elsewise, I'll just eat somewhere quiet. :-D |
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Hah! Order a hamburger and specify pawn table f7, then ask to be moved to f6. You'll be on the sidelines in no time. Fool's Mate! |
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Patrons can send antsy kids to jump on the big teeter-totter on the chess clocks. |
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I would fork out for a table here! |
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The knight tables frequently would need to be physically lifted over other tables. |
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Better that than shooting a horse on the restaurant floor, every time one is taken, I suppose? |
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Depends what's on the menu, [uB]. I like my meat fresh. |
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Who is controlling the game? Are the games timed? |
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I can see endagame being very painful for rook, queen & bishop tables. |
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Would there be any scope for having specials on the menu depending on the opening of the game - Like a theme night?
eg.
Sicilian == Pasta,
Spanish (Ruy Lopez)== Paella,
King's Indian== Curry,
Scotch== Haggis & also Malt Whisky on drinks menu) |
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is it customary to knock the losing King's table over? |
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Yeah, I think the game will be difficult to play if, for example, you're dining on a pawn table that suddenly resignes. Does the staff have to kick you out of the restaurant just because somebody else decided to sacrifice the table/piece where you were halfway through dinner? |
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A hi-tech Kramnik's Café could be designed with strong metal cubic structures for each table, with the table and chairs firmly attached to the platform of the structure, which is lifted up independantly by a crane to slowly re-locate the tables to their new position. A screen near the kitchen displays the coordenates for each table, to help the waiters locate them. |
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When a piece is lost, the crane moves the table to a spot outside the board, where another pieces/tables that are now out of the battle can stay to finish their meal and find out which side won. |
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This way patrons won't be disturbed. Amazing idea. Love it!! Cuernito for you [+] |
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I'm getting annoyed just thinking about eating somewhere like this. |
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I'll have what D1 is having |
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Surely the people in the top table would only ever have the opportunity to play endgames, since you'll never have enough people in the place to populate all the pieces. |
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Also, it's likely the bishops and knights, rather than the pawns who are going to be disrupted the most. Best get the stats right or you'll be annoying all your higher paying customers. |
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This really is a very silly idea.[-] |
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Pass us the en passalt and pepper. |
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Wow! We certainly have a polarised audience when it comes to dining habits, don't we? |
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I think it would work quite well if sited close to the Maths Dept of any major university. |
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"Aww, crap - the chess club is having another function." |
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"How long does it take to get service in this place?"
"I'm sorry sir, but the kings pawn is blocking the path of the waiter." |
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I'll have the skewered p(r)awns please. |
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Security! To sector b6, please. |
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Yeah, there appears to be a fight in progress there. |
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Blimey! It was probably caused by accusations that the chef poisoned a prawn. |
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I also think there should be 'En Prise' glasses of wine for regular customers. |
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(shudders at prices on the menu) Let's go check out the checkers place next door. |
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"Waiter can you close the door please - there's a draught coming in". |
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I'd eat here, however not on my Knight off. |
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UB to waiter: "Check, mate." |
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[FJ], I'll pick up your tab for that one. |
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UB to self: "Fools, mate." |
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This joke is getting stale, mate. (Couldn't help it.) |
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Not so [contracts]. These fine fellows, why of puns they are scholars, mate. |
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Looks like mating season... |
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I could shag a horse and chase its rider. |
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