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Lottery eyeballs
A chance for those wearing a glass eye to have their eyeball included as a lottery ball | |
Eventually, the National Lottery will run out of ideas for scratchcard and lottery ticket promotions in addition to the bog standard ticket that you can buy from the machine at the newsagents.How about a promotional event whereby those with glass eyes have the chance for their glass eyeball to become
a lottery ball for one night? This could be a quarterly or even monthly event. The eyeball could act as some kind of bonus ball and potential players would have to buy a special scratchard and play for a chance to participate.
solid latex rubber (and American to boot) balls
http://www.national...ery.co.uk/news/#fun
everything you never wanted to know about the UK National Lottery, StarChaser, Tech Tyger, Sir. [po, Mar 23 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]
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why have you put this in health? |
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Couldn't really think of any other place except "eye" to put this one. Where should it go? |
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lottery is under: business, but I admit I had to go and look. It made me laugh, Lynni. |
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Glass eyes are not spherical. They would also be much heavier than the pingpong balls used in the lottery machines, and thus would not work. |
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They are not pingpong balls! even if they look like it, Star. They are purpose-made to be of an accurately identical weight for the UK National Lottery anyway. |
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Jake the Prospector went to Doc's office after visiting the Assayer - his Glass eye needed a look-see - bad - his eyelid was a swollen, puffy red mess - so Jake took his glass eye out and
Doc said "What in tarnation! Thar's a piece of horseshit on this here thing Jake! How'd that get thar, me-wonders?"
Jake thunk hard and says "Walp, Ah was ridin' around Deadman's bend through the canyon to get to town ya see, and we just made the turn and mah horse just plumb stopped."
"Uh huh" says Doc as he continues removing horse manure from eyeball with whiskey
"I hollered - Moooove Hoss! and he did - only he was movin' bassackwards, he was."
"Were ya skeered?" says Doc as he fits eyeball back in Jake
"Thankee Doc, I shore was - I jumped offa' em and runaround front and pulled and he still wouldn't stop. So I had to thunk reeeeal hard"
"Did it hurt?"
"Yuppers, hey ya got anything for a headache?"
Doc hands Jake some whiskey
"Anyhoo, then it hit me!"
"The horseshit?"
"No! The idea! I gots lots of ideas! This one was my best one ever!"
"Well what was it Jake?" as Doc wrestles what's left of the whiskey back into his hands.
"Allllllrighty then - I runs around to the back of the horse, lifts up his tail - pulls out my glass eye - stuck it in his ass, and said - 'Look Asshole, a cliff!'" |
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have not a clue what all that was about, but it made me laugh so much in the tellin' of it. |
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The "true" story is set in 1849 during the California Gold Rush |
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so the first one that I liked so much - is a lie? |
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Joe was an old guy who'd lost an eye years before in an accident and was fitted with a glass replacement.
The eye would sometimes get a little dust on it and become irritating to Joe, so when he had no access to water he'd pop out the eye and stick it in his mouth for to wash it off.
Normally, he'd just pop back the wet eyeball into his socket but one day he gagged and swallowed the glass eye. Joe replaced the eye with a spare glass eye and assumed the eye would move with his bowels. Days passed and the eye never did appear in the commode, so Joe went to his doctor for a little help.
"Doc," said Joe, "I haven't had a real bowel movement in a week, and … well, can you give me something to work like a laxative?"
The doc said he'd surely have a laxative to do the job, but, "Let's me have a look at the plumbing before I write you an order."
The doctor gloved up, had Joe bend over the exam table, walked around to Joe's rear for a quick rectal exam. When he parted Joe's cheeks to see better, what he saw was Joe's glass eye staring at him from his anus.
"Joe?" said doc, "How long have I been your doctor?"
"Dunno, 40-50 years I guess." replied Joe.
"Yes, I think so." Said the doctor, adding, "and after all those years you still don't trust me." |
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Cracking up here, reensure - po, the "true" story is the one told - it is a joke told to me by someone who had nothing else memorable to say. |
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Two pirates are drinking together in a bar. One of them has a patch over one eye and a hook for a hand (of course). |
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Skagg: Yar, matey, I see yer lost yer eye. How did it happen? |
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Blinkers: Well one fine day I was topside a-looking up into the rigging. Just then a seagull flew by, and blamed if he didn't poop right in me eye. |
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Skagg: Er...yer lost yer eye to seagull poop? |
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Blinkers: Na, it was me first day with the hook. |
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Friend of my mother's had a glass eye which he had fitted with a tiny torch bulb so that, during his stand-up routine (in the days when it was called 'music-hall'), he would say "Aye-aye" and flash the bulb. He also used to leave the eye in his pint of beer when he went to the rest room, to discourage anyone from drinking it. |
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