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It recently came to my attention that I have cold-hearted engineer's blood running through my veins. Sure, I could just be myself, and write what I have to, but if I expect to have a relationship last beyond that first letter, I will need certain skills that are currently in short supply around my house.
A
nastiness filter, for example, and that one romantic bone I don't seem to possess. Better penmanship would also be a plus. Nothing quite kills the romance like trying to decide if a word is lost, last, lust, love, or Luigi...
Some psychological tweaking for desired results might also be useful. After all, if you want some action, the last thing to write is that you want some action...
Sure, sure, keep it real, girls like that. Maybe they do, but it's been my experience that those who know how to lie (that is, "use tact,") manage somewhat better relations between the sexes.
Rumor has it I should be expecting another letter, but I don't see how that's possible since I'll never hear from her again. I guess I should get some ghost writers just in case though.
UPDATE: My letter apparently was not as bad as I had feared. The results are still disastrous, but in a different, and infinitely more painful way.
Wikipedia: Cyrano de Bergerac, Plot
http://en.wikipedia...lay%29#Plot_summary
Pretty simpleton hires ghostwriter for wooing. Hilarity ensues. Ever heard about this classic plotline? [jutta, Jul 06 2007]
Dog House Poetry services
http://www.doghouse...ry.com/1294416.html
"f you need your poem or love letter tweaked ..." I wonder if anyone ever takes them up on it. [jutta, Jul 06 2007]
eBobb's customized poetry per chunk $25
http://www.ebobb.co...740e7b4becf09624915
[jutta, Jul 06 2007]
Baked by Blackadder
http://www.gazmac.f...dder_3-5_script.htm
Love letter ghost writing in popular culture [Ra, Jul 07 2007]
the sad bastard
http://www.thesadbastard.com/
Pertinax recommends a DIY solution. [ye_river_xiv, Jul 12 2007]
[link]
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Realistically, most existing ghost writing services should be happy to assist with love letters - and some explicitly mention the possibility in their ads. (See links.) |
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It would be cool, though, if someone specialized on this. The websites with "love letter" in their name I checked all seemed to be shopping/advertising portals. |
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Maybe there should be a special Love Letter Thesaurus to help you choose the right words. |
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And they should all have big gallic noses. |
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//those who know how lie (that is, "use tact,") manage somewhat better relations between the sexes.// |
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Oddly enough, I would have thought the opposite. Tact is both a disguise and a lubricant allowing square pegs to believe they can fit into round holes, and vice-versa. It's much better I'm sure to start from a position of blunt and mutual honesty. |
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If one uses tact, one begins to imagine that everyone else does too - which means, if someone says something unguarded, you imagine they are being deliberately unpleasant, and if everything they say is gently reasonable, you have to consider the potential that they're just keeping you sweet for some sinister ulterior motive. |
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You are indeed very correct there Zen Tom... About the tact part. My big gallic nose is of absolutely no help in the writing department. |
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Unfortunately for me, tact in a relationship is a skill which I do not possess at all. My disarming honesty is a bit too disarming at times, and sometimes a previously less than honorable woman will, to strain a metaphor into absurdity, drop her guns so fast that they accidentally discharge into my heart. |
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Case in point: up until Friday, I have been persued by a certain woman, who has admitted a spotted past. She has been doing this pursing in the public venue of my church for over six months, with great effort. |
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Fine, but on Thursday night, I wrote a very honest letter explaining my reluctance, followed by some suggestions on how a relationship might become possible, and an invitation to begin the process. |
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As it turns out, her spotted past extends into the present, and she decided then to tell me that before we could begin a relationship, she needed to move her valuables out of her current boyfriend's house, and break up with him. |
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It was my honesty that prompted her honesty. Sure, I knew something was wrong, and my letter would likely bring about some startling revelations... But nothing like what she did tell me. |
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Furthermore, if I was going to learn about these anyway, it would have been nicer if they had not occured the same weekend of my high school's 10 year reunion, and one of my closer friend's weddings, both of which will now be hutful memories to me for many years to come. A tiny bit of tact would have allowed her to use some tact in return, and left me in somewhat puzzled, but blissful ignorance during what should have been two very happy events. |
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Right. What, exactly, is the idea? |
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Do you write a first draft and send it to your ghost writer for a 'translation'? Is there a consutation process? Is this an automagic insertion/suggestion of romantic phrases in your word processing progam? |
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And as for your update, [ye], I'm guessing that means "it's not you, it's me". |
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I would pay an insane amount of money for this. Is it offered in a real-time version? One that could delay what I say over the phone, giving enough time to re-word it in a better way?
Bun for you. |
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Currently the "Oh shit I can't say anything right" real-time voice disguiser module is lodged firmly in the impossible to design phase. |
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I suspect that a consultation call would provide the most effective results. A spellchecker plug-in might be able to stop some of the more screaming errors, but with today's technology, I doubt that it would be worth the irritation (Mr. Paperclip says it looks like you're trying to write a love letter...Lemme put that date in the right place, you hopeless clod.) |
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