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The time has come for me to scour my sordid Naval past for a bad GM idea. Why? because my halfbreakery has been lasting too long.
What woman hasn't fantasized about being a Mermaid? All that luxurious wavy hair. Those sensuous lips. That powerful, impregnable, pseudo-phallic tail allowing you
to flit away in a heartbeat, and making it completely impossible to uncross your legs.
Of course, there is some argument about the breasts. Nautical experts assert that real mermaids go topless (Nautical experts also have sordid discussions regarding the possible placement of a "blowhole," but that is beyond the scope of this idea) while Disney advertisers steadfastly assure us that the clamshells remain firmly in place as a bra.
Mermaid imitators are faced with three serious problems regarding their maritime breasts.
1: seashells are hard, and uncomfortable.
2: undersea strap material is of questionable quality.
3: The sensitive nature of a shark's nose makes the potential for smelling breast milk a very real danger.
Thankfully, all of these problems can be solved most adequately using a little GM to produce the patented mermaid top number 20,000, also known as the "Milk Drinking Clam."
While seashells are hard and uncomfortable, the molluscs that produce them have silky soft flesh.
While strap material may rot, or break, the suction of a trusted sea animal will provide reliable coverage over the needed areas, without overlapping onto the sensuous lines of the mermaid's back.
While sharks are a constant danger, the milk drinking clam will ensure that no scent of humanoid fluids is spread into the ocean.
And that's not all! The patented GM suction effect of milk drinking clams will actually promote breast growth safely and naturally, making them the perfect trainer bra.
Our specially integrated regurgitating stomach will even provide bust enhancement, and will allow for short term storage of the fluid for later use in nourishing your children, or whatever other cherished individuals you may wish to share it with.
Milk drinking clams have had specialized gene splicing treatment, to ensure that their hinge can spread far enough to assure sufficient coverage without breaking. Their digestive tract has been double-encoded to ensure even suction on both nipples. Additionally, all milk drinking clams have been cross-gene spliced with limpets to ensure additional gripping power, and with pellicans to assure a large enough gut to store the regurgitate.
Users should be aware that once the clams are full, they will no longer adhere. Adherence time is therefore dependant on bust enhancement ratio.
Short name, e.g., Bob's Coffee
Destination URL.
E.g., http://www.coffee.com/
Description (displayed with the short name and URL.)
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1) What about breastfeeding-related reduction in fertility? |
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2) They'd end up with clam excreta all over their breasts. |
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It's only Disneyesque mermaids that are prudish enough to wear bras. In real life, the relative densities of salt-water and breast tissue are such that the aquatic maid enjoys unprecedented breastular support, pretty much around the clock. |
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Unfortunately, Disney, having gained long and extensive experience of ruining land-based folk culture, have turned their corporate homogenising colossus seaward and come up the idea of mermaids that wear bras. Think of the turbulence! No self respecting maid of the sea would sport shell cups in order to protect her modesty - not when an ample head of hair, and the murky depths provide plenty of opportunity for even the most bashful of befished beauties. |
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I agree with [zen] - mermaids are usually depicted bare-breasted (although often long wavy hair is depicted as just covering the mermaid's breasts), ironically tempting sailors with their breastular (c.f.) treats despite the lack of there being anything apparent "down below". However, [-] for the idea of genetically modified modesty molluscs. |
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Hmmm, 'milking' clams. Are they available for men, too? |
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//In real life, the relative densities of salt-water and breast tissue are such that the aquatic maid enjoys unprecedented breastular support, pretty much around the clock.// yeah, you wish! |
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I've begun initial research, measured and calculated the displacement/mass ratios and had more than my fair share of eurekai. |
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However, this selfless work is never completely finished. Initial test subjects have been difficult to find, there are averages to be plotted, standard deviations to be calculated, and curves to be examined, and analysed- it's a hard task, but somebody has to do it. |
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To this end, should any ladies, amply, or otherwise interestingly gifted in the mammary department, wish to assist in this globally important scientific research, they should contact me instantly so I can arrange their enrolment in my scientific and highly professional study programme. As a matter of urgency. |
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All respondents can rest assured that their data will be gathered as regularly as is practical. My facilities are limited and only one patient can be examined thoroughly at once (though twin examinations can be arranged under special circumstances). |
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A copy of your results will be provided only once enough data has been gathered – this process is likely (but not guaranteed) to require a period of months to complete. |
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you're a martyr to the cause. I've always said that. |
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Are mermaids mammals? Milk may not be a problem at all. How do dolphins deal with it? |
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My understanding was that Mermaids were dugongs. (In the same way that unicorns were rhinos mixed with narwhals.) |
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So, yeah, mammals. (Anyway, our forbears were much looser about classification than we are today; for example, while beavers were counted as mammals, their tails were counted as fish, principally so that good Catholics could eat them during Lent.) |
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//so that good Catholics could eat them during Lent.// |
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Interesting. I usually give up eating beaver for Lent. Am I wrong? |
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// What woman hasn't fantasized about being a Mermaid? //
And what man hasn't fantasized about copulating with one? |
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I could see this as a good tool for expectant mothers to use. I have heard that stimulation of the nipples about a week before (expected) delivery helps ensure a good supply of milk for the offspring. |
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Weird GM and references to pubescent breasts - You're actually John Varley aren't you? |
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Who? Not me. Weird GM it is, but the breasts never told me their ages. I'm sure the over 18 crowd can wear trainer bras too if the need arises. |
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//And what man hasn't fantasized about copulating with one? // its all relative to the scale of things. |
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//a limpet would be a better design in itself due to the pointy bra effect.// |
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Except that most limpets are two inches in diameter or less. |
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I guess that might work OK for pasties... |
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Any luck on that selfless research yet Zen? Maybe you need someone else to help take measurements. |
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Erm..trainer bras don't make your tits grow, y'know. They only exist to make pubescent girls feel all grown up when they start to sprout bumpy bits. |
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Aren't they to stop your trainers from sagging? |
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//And what man hasn't fantasized about copulating with one? // |
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Seeing as a mermaid has a fish's bottom half, I presume that her idea of copulation is to lay a load of eggs and then bugger off while you get busy inseminating them. I think I'll give it a miss, but thanks all the same. |
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