h a l f b a k e r y
"Put it on a plate, son. You'll enjoy it more."
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Years ago, I worked in a place where one paticular individual used to befoul one of the two men's toilet cubicles in a manner so egregiously disgusting that the cleaners used to leave scathing notes for the anonymous perpetrator.
The sly individual became known to one and all as "The Phantom Forty-pounder"
for reasons that your imagination can readily supply.
Ah yes... the idea!
Rather than an illegal camera in the toilet we simply employ two sniffing devices, one in the washroom to analyse the persistent stench of a manmade "Yule Log" that simply won't flush due to its gargantuan proportions (I kid you not. Swathed in white paper like the distant, snow-capped peak of a mountain) and another device, a wheeled or tracked 'bot that trundles around the office, sampling the air around everyone, seeking to match the olfactory profile of the monument.
Upon successful identification, public "outing" and humiliation ensues.
Annotation:
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In the future, post these such ideas between meal periods Pacific Standard Time. For me? |
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So your idea is to invent a dog? Seems pretty baked. A dog that either lays outside the bathroom and howls when he smells the perpetrator or tracks him to his cubical lair? |
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We never thought to bring a dog into a law office... too much competition. |
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[global] Too appropriate. I recently moved to Oregon (PST) and am eating a steak and piece of sqash as I read this. One could stumble upon this at any time of day, though. Should we have a HB rating system to warn people of such material? Nah. |
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Funny idea [Una]. What type of humiliation were you thinking of? |
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"Mummification" in toilet paper would be a good start, I think. |
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I don't see how the offender is at fault here. Let's celebrate diversity, rather than outing and humiliating it. |
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PS I'm not the Phantom Forty-pounder. |
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We were also forgiving, at first. However, ten years of furtive phantom forty-poundering on a daily basis wore out the welcome, eventually. |
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Scales. Anyone who comes across registering over two stones different weight in one day must account for where they left their briefcase. |
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Ahh, that would have been handy. Then the perfidious propagator of the gargantuan grogans would be easily identified. Any differential in excess of 2 kilograms (4.4 pounds) would have been a reliable indicator. |
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[Tex] Diversity is one thing. Universally unacceptable traits is another. |
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I wouldn't have termed it diversity. It would have left the Goatse Bottle Guy in the shade. |
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I purchased a "new fangled" toilet with a dual action flush-handle: push once for half the tank, hold the handle down to empty the tank. |
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The half-tank-for-urination works fine; as far as the other is concerned, I have to have a plunger on-hand for any evacuation more intense than a bagel with light cream cheese. I fail to see where this is saving me water. |
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well, his office *is* across the street... and it's a lawyers office so it's not as if anybody's going to object; but it wasn't me; originally I started dropping in there hoping for a glimpse of Ally McBeal, but every time I think I saw her she'd turn sideways and disappear. |
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That's why we thought it was her for a while... 'til we realised it was the men's toilets that were being blanketbombed. |
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On the continent (sic) of Europe, largely in those parts of the land mass infested with Teutons, they have the cheery little scheme of having a WC pan with a neat little "step" on which your deposit reposes for examination prior to being consigned to biodegradeable oblivion. |
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The addition of a strain guage under a thin stainless-steel diaphragm (forming the "shelf") would add a reasonably effective excrement evaluation capability to a pedestal of such design. |
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All that is then needed is a discreet little spray to mist the back of the offender's knees with a tiny amount of aniseed. The Office Bloodhound, Spaniel or Pointer will then find the task deeply satisfying, and the sight of a large, friendly canine vigorously sniffing the back of someone's knees (not an area of the human body toward which doggy interest is normally directed) will be a dead giveaway. |
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Can we make the aniseed a natural dog pheromone, and the dog one of those small, amorous types that develop intense relationships with unattended legs whenever they are near? |
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or Mime pheremone... the picture of a fat guy in a suit walking down the street and 3-4 whitefaces following, miming humping his leg.... |
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// small, amorous types // |
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Regrettably, such creatures find it somwhat hard to restrain their libido, which would lead to an unacceptable rate of "false positives" .... |
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True, but their small size makes them great projectiles, when a foot propellant is introduced. |
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