Now you can annoy people at the touch of your touch! A small earpiece is surgically impanted in your sweaty thumb and a microphone implanted at the tip of your clawed pinkie. Simply use your hand as a telephone, the way very small children do. The number buttons will be grafted onto your palm and later models will allow small LCD screens to be jammed in your wrist, right next to the scars where you tried to commit suicide to get everybody's attention.

It is powered by blood coarsing past a dynamo next to your black heart. Because you're such a loud-mouthed desperate fool who thinks the world will stops when you stop, you'll no doubt have dangerously high blood pressure - so the phone will never need charging. It will never be lost and you'll always be connected until you have a heart-attack, aged 31.

You need one to prove how important you are. Buy now.