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Round up action movie actors whose careers are hibernating a little at the moment and have them run schools on defending against terrorism, or retaking from terrorists, hijacked airliners.
Wesley Snipes, Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Richard Dean Anderson, Roger Moore et al
are all, apparently, highly trained in the necessary skills to make this possible.
Courses:
How to kill four armed men with a white dinner roll
Finding golf clubs in a poorly-packed luggage compartment
Wingwalking at 40,000 feet and 450 knots
Avoiding the 'deadly suction zone' during cabin depressurisation
How to enlist the assistance of the most attractive stewardess on the 'plane
How to convince the chief bad guy to take you back to his/her headquarters for a little gloating before execution, rather than expeditiously murdering you immediately upon capture.
There will also be detailed advice on why it is advisable to retain your trusty handgun in favour of a Steyr, M-16, Uzi, Kalashnikov or Hechler & Koch military assault weapon when involved in gunplay with armed opponents. Something to do with the short barrel and inherent inaccuracy conferring an advantage in a pitched gunbattle.
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Steven Seagal could offer courses on how to fight ten men with your enormous stomach. Roger Moore would demonstrate how to pull beautiful women even if you're 60 and talentless. Bruce Willis could lecture on how to get stains out of your white singlet. And Arnold Schwartzenegger - not sure what useful skill he has. |
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Arnold Schwartzenegger could teach you the skill of finding people the same size as you to fight ... |
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Strangely enough, he's not that big. He's only 6'2" and was 235 lb (107kg) at the height of his career. Directors make him look bigger so everyone assumes he's around 6'6". |
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Directors don't have to work very hard to make 6'2" and 235 lb. look big because the vast majority of performing artists are significantly shorter than average. I have a self-serving theory about why this is the case, but it's irrelevant to the idea. |
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I seem to recall you're one of the elfin ones, BX. C'mon, spit it out! |
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Okay, UB. Yes, your memory is correct. And the self-serving theory is that talent and height are just naturally inversely-proportional (as with most natural phenomena, there are of course, notable exceptions). |
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My real theory, though, runs along these lines: In most western societies, athletic prowess is more attractive to adolescent girls than performing arts skills. So adolescent boys who have a choice tend to spend skills-development time preferentially on athletics. That leaves time to develop competitive performing arts skills only to those who do not have athletics as an option, and this group is of course smaller than those for whom athletics is an option. By the time the school football star grows up and can't get a professional gig and wishes he had spent more time learning to play the lute, the wimpy kid who spent his afternoons consoling himself with his dad's lute has the market sewn up. |
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That only addresses males, of course, but I'm not so sure I've observed a concentration of short women in the performing arts. |
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Grace Jones is about 5'2", isn't she? |
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as was Sandie Shaw. Hurrah for short women! (5'3"-and-a-bit and proud) |
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It doesn't seem to make any difference. They can still see over your shoulder. |
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