h a l f b a k e r y
Clearly this is a metaphor for something.
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[I couldnt find a category for sustainability I used this
instead bit it isnt an accurate substitute for
[Also, I was going to call it the Rs prize, but then
that idea name was already taken by me, for something
This idea is unusual for me
in that it isnt really a joke or
whimsical, but is actually a serious idea.
It occurs to me that the way we wipe our arses in this
and age is seriously out of date. I dont actually think it
works well at all, the way we do it currently, and it has
serious environmental downsides. We need to find a
This idea is simply to set up a prize (obviously with
someone elses money Ive just had to pay a fucking
extortionate electricity bill, phone bill and water bill, so
theres nothing left). The prize is to find an idea. This
that idea and I doubt we would find the idea by
here with ideas. This needs opening up to the finest
the world has to offer. Not just us. Well, us as well.
The prize would offer some sort of incentive, to solve
problem of how to wipe our arses. The restrictions:
Paper is not the way to do it at least, scraping small
oblongs of paper across the rectum does not, on the
whole, do the job well. I think were all in agreement
were not looking for a breakthrough in toilet paper. So,
paper is out.
The fictitious and never fully resolved three seashells
concept in Demolition Man is probably a red herring,
someone knows better, which I doubt it is simply a
The solution should have the following characteristics
to be amended):
fully sustainable, both ecologically and economically
not technologically dependent to the degree that only
some countries have access, at some times, to the
not expensive everyone in the world needs to wipe
not geographically restricted to first world or global
north or other subsets
healthy and clean
does not require supplied domestic energy (or even
water, ideally) to use it
Actually, I just realised it should not even be called R
Swipe, nor refer to wiping of the arse, as wiping is
probably one of the weve been doing it incorrect all
this time things. Thus, use of wipe in the terminology
might prejudice the results, as the solution might be to
not wipe but do something better and non-wipey
instead. Expect this idea to name-change when another
one becomes apparent.
The infamous "Three Seashells" ...
Enquire further at your own risk. [8th of 7, Apr 06 2018]
autonomous multi-celled butt washer
[Voice, Apr 17 2018]
Astronaut Poop Challenge
I know this is for space, but the idea and the solutions are the same. [MisterQED, Apr 18 2018]
"Winner" of Astronaut Poop Challenge
In the vacuum of space you do not want to open a port to wipe your arse. [MisterQED, Apr 18 2018]
||I"m not volunteering to be the first seashell.
||So your idea is to get someone else to solve a problem
that's not that much of a problem? How about a
competition to invent a time machine that goes into the
future and returns with the solution to this and a million
||a) sphincter-straddling, open condom. Do your business, remove condom, wash (or dispose of), replace.
||b) non-stick cooking spray applied beforehand. Or very fine bentonite powder, applied before or after.
||c) a firm resolve not to combine lager & curry after age 40.
||(on the other hand, thanks : I could never figure out where the "three shells" reference came from)
||We'll always have colostomy.
||<side note>Totally hadn't pegged this as one of yours.
I made it all the way to the bottom, <snigger>, and peripherally read your moniker before all of the words were in your voice.
||Perhaps a hollow tube made of Teflon, or other highly non-
stick substance. It would have a means of being attached to
the toilet seat such that when you sat down, it would align
with the anus, and possibly insert slightly. All the relevant
waste passes through the tube into the toilet. When your
business is done, it should rinse clean easily, since it is non-
||Thats the other thing the accepted modern
western-world way of going to the toilet is actually
totally incorrect. It shouldnt be done sitting down
as we do, it constricts and prevents, and causes
unnecessary difficulty in most people. Doing away
with the whole seating arrangement is possibly a
step toward doing away with the paper and water
and associated ecological impact, and will result in
healthier people as well.
||The way we do things is really legacy and hasnt
been reimagined for the present day. Paper was
first invented by the Chinese, we all know that,
but it was invented for wiping the bum, and not
for writing on. Using paper as a writing surface and
publishing media came hundreds of years later.
Unbelievably were still using it, having made no
advances at all in that area.
||Similarly, the centuries-old sitting commode was
actually a bad idea to have caught on so widely, it
is not optimal for the job. As well as the bad
positioning it forces the user to adopt, it wastes a
considerable amount of clean (and usually
otherwise drinkable) water, and the infrastructure
of soil pipes in the home and office and sewerage
to take it all away is a massive civic overhead
which could be re-thought.
||I know it isnt glamorous, but some good thinking
needs to be applied to this whole area. Im sure
were doing it all incorrect.
||Well, there's always the arse-sickle : a small, dull scimitar with large ridges up by the handle going to gecko-feet on t'other end. Swipe in either direction, starting at the hilt. Each person would have their own : sharing/borrowing socially unacceptable.
||// I could never figure out where the "three shells" reference came from //
||Hmm, maybe start at the other end, as it were. Just have food that comes in permeable swallowable size plastic bag. When they hit the stomach, the nutrients are digested and then the end user just to needs to bin the output.
||I took part in a trial of this, where the person in question doing the barbecue (no names) forgot to take off the plastic wrappers off the hot dogs before they were cooked and eaten.
||Would this be less of a problem if we all lived
underwater? Humans evolved from water-dwelling
animals so it shouldn't be impossible to just
evolve back - and in fact I think that mammals such
as whales have evolved from animals which evolved
from water-dwelling animals to land-dwelling
animals but didn't like the land so moved back to
the water. Anyway, my point is that the hygiene
problem this idea highlights might be less of an
issue underwater - it would be like turning up the
cleansing and purifying properties of the bidet to
||One wonders what apparatus the Borg have adopted
to accommodate the cleaning of the many different
species they have assimilated.
||Failing that, clearly there are people in the world whose
sole purpose in life are to be ass lickers. Somehow weve
gotten that confused and have hired them to be lawyers,
salespersons, lobbyists, and faith healers. Simply allowing
them to fulfill their evolutionary purpose will bring
satisfaction to all.
||// what apparatus the Borg have adopted //
||Either a choice of four seashells, a huge length of coarse hairy string, or a coke-fired brass harmonium packed full of aniseed-flavoured hardwood sawdust with a thing like a bent wicker canoe paddle stuck in the top.
||Shertainly, what's needed is an electrostatic system. After
defaecating, just stand on the thick rubber mat with your
legs apart, and connect the wrist strap. Wait until your
body is charged up to something like 2-300kV, at which
point your hair will stand on end and any klingons will be
fired off, hopefully to be collected on the counter-charged
||On no account let any parts of your anatomy get close to
the collection plate.
||Im not quite sure how to go about this. Should it
be left up to individuals to randomly throw casual
ideas that theyve thought about for 20 seconds to
see if they hit the jackpot? Or should it be up to a
committee to adhere to specifications and
requirements? Or should it be given over to our AGI
overlords to run algorithms over and across the
problem space? Should it be individuals not
organizations? Should it be organizations not entire
nations? Should it be nations not religions or
ethnicities? Would the answer come from the
highly intelligent, or the barely literate?
||Is a prize even relevant?
||The thing that bothers me is that putting rockets
into space to launch cars with dummies in them is
all very well and trumpeting on about wanting to
be a space-faring species is all very well but we
have several fairly serious problems here in our
own homes which I must insist need sorting out
|| Wiping of the arse not sorted out, were not
even at the Industrial Age on that one.
Recycling not sorted out at all, were so far
away from doing that correctly if we did make
it to other planets and met other life, theyd
perceive our attitude to waste management as if
Energy generation not sorted out very much at
all. See the point preceding this one.
QWERTY keyboards for fucks sake, hide those if
we ever get visited by aliens.
||Have you ever been to the Jorvik centre, [Ian] ?
||It's a careful re-creation of a Viking settlement, as York would have appeared more than a thousand years ago. There are crude huts, dummies in rough, primitive clothing, mud everywhere, domestic animals wandering round, and the whole place stinks of excrement and urine.
||And if you pay the swingeing entrance fee, you can go inside the Jorvik centre and it's just as bad.
||The point is that getting rid of your QWERTY keyboards and doing proper recycling would be like the National Railway Museum melting down the Flying Scotsman and Mallard to make hybrid bicycles. It might seem modern and forward-thinking, but you've just destroyed major visitor attractions.
||Advanced civilizations don't visit your planet to bring peace and plenty. A few groups do come to study you. The vast majority come to laugh at you and mock your primitive ways, the same way you go to zoos and laugh at chimpanzees playing with blankets or old motor tyres.
||How about a probiotic genetically engineered to make latex rubber that clings to the side mucosa of the large intestine. This causes the feces to be covered with a kind of rubber bag when they come out.
||Ooh, superball poo. Don't let the monkeys near it.
||A compact with fine dry soil, powder puff?
||Horses and rhinos, I think, have sleeve-like things inside
their anuses that evert during defecation and then retract
afterward, keeping the poop from touching any surface
that's normally on the outside of the body. Find the genes
for those and transfer them into humans.
||I also just realized I have an idea on my list of ideas to post
that could solve this. I'll have to post it soon, by which I
mean I probably won't post it soon (but I'll be sure to link it
from here when I do).
||//Horses and rhinos, I think, have sleeve-like things inside
their anuses// I think that's only during a veterinary exam.
||But no, you're right. In fact, I think most ani evert to an
extent, precisely to prevent soilage. Quite why human ani
don't do this, or don't do it very much, is a mysterious
||Some do dirtygardengirl, for example.
||But, I digress. This isnt the place for finding
solutions, this is the place where I posted the idea
for a prize and then doubted that it even need be
a prize structure. How would such a chase be set
||Firing a pistol in the air ?
||<BBC gramophone FX recording: sound of running boots/>
||Actually this idea has already been done, it was called the
"Astronaut Poop Challenge" and I actually sent in what
should have been the winning entry and would also resolve
this idea. It was a hydraulically driven, peristaltic waste
transfer system. Sadly the contest was rigged and they
gave the prize to someone who broke one of the basic
rules of the contest and if implemented, would get people
killed. My Idea basically continues the bodies own waste
disposal system outside the body. The basic idea of the
prize was to allow the Astronaut to poop without using his
hands and the "winning" entry had the astronaut use his
||Ill remind everyone of the qualifying list,
||The solution should have the following
characteristics (list to be amended):
fully sustainable, both ecologically and
not technologically dependent to the degree that
only some countries have access, at some times, to
the manufacturing means
not expensive everyone in the world needs to
wipe their arse
not geographically restricted to first world or
global north or other subsets
healthy and clean
does not require supplied domestic energy (or
even water, ideally) to use it
||Obviously still in flux, but, you know, it isnt about
to about turn and let in an insanely complex
exclusionistic technological pile of expenditure
just on the off chance.