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Suggested by <link>.
Meteorologists are a pretty uppity bunch of people. It all started back in the 1970s, when several of them, working in dark rooms and never actually seeing the weather outside, wondered if we might be due for another ice age. This became headline news for a while, and suddenly
meteorology was, so to speak, cool. Huge numbers of bad hairstyles and nylon shirts began to appear on TV news programmes.
In the mid-1980s, when it became clear that waiting for an ice age was not going to sustain public attention, they decided that we'd have global warming instead, and that it might be happenning really very soon. Excellent - meteorology gets back onto primetime TV.
Of course, they then realized that it was better to talk about "climate change" than "global warming", because climate change gives you more options - the climate is always changing (a.k.a. weather), and hence they were bound to be right. Climate change has basically funded meteorologists in terms of both money and status for the last few decades - it's win win and, who knows, they may be right. In any event, it'll help to nudge us away from dependence on fossil fuels.
Of late, however, the excitement of climate change has begun to pall slightly. The men in dark rooms have therefore started to try livening up day-to-day weather. The first step has been to give all storms names, presumably to make the weather more personal. I don't know how long this has been going on in the US, but it's a new thing here in the UK. Major storms and, now, lesser storms are named. There are plans afoot to give names to even gentler forms of weather so that, for instance, Breeze Enid might ruffle your hair, or Drizzle Frank might moisten your flowerbeds. Of course, they'll have to start using surnames at some point to avoid confusion; so we'll have "Short Sunny Spell Malcolm Gunderson".
More recently, though, even this has failed to capture the public's attention. Weathermen have therefore had to devise entirely new types of weather. A chilly wind from the north has become a "Polar Vortex", and I have just learned that a particularly strong tornado has been announced as a "Bomb Tornado". (There's one due on the east coast of the USA shortly, as I write this. So if you live on the east coast, eat something heavy now.)
Things are clearly getting out of hand, and what's obviously needed is an entirely new class of weather descriptors. What I propose, following on from [doc]'s excellent lead, is that weather be quantified in rhinos, based on the number of actual rhinos that it would take to do similar damage in, say, a back yard.
Thus, a gale becomes a "rhino event". A hurricane might be a "two rhino" or even "five rhino" event. A gentle breeze might be only a few millirhinos, and a heavy downpour might be a few centirhinos. This will open up new televisual opportunities for the weathermen and weatherwomen, including appearances in crossover weather-wildlife documentaries.
Suggested by:
Rhino_20Power_20Mar...tunt_20For_20Trucks [MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 03 2018]
[link]
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I'd like to see lots more allusions to "rhino power" in
our day to day conversations. It's an underused
metaphor. |
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To get a message out over the screeching din of all
the media outlets one has to choose from these days,
the rhino and its power is the perfect tagline to give
punch to your assertion. |
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Doctor on newscast telling you to get your flu
vaccine: "This year's strain is gonna hit like a rhino!" |
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Investment advisor on a talk show: "You can invest in
no load polymorphic mutual bond derivatives, but if
you really want your portfolio to hit like a rhino..." |
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And of course, any weather guy referring to a "rhino
event" is going to get a lot more attention than
saying
"Category 5 or whatever". |
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This idea hit like a charging rhino! [+]. |
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How very strange. Earlier this morning I thought itd be a
good idea to name storms after famous people. After a
while I thought this might not be such a good idea if the
destruction were equated with the famous person. Then I
thought itd be sufficient if we just gave storms surnames
too, and they could be bought in advance by anyone who
wanted to use their own name (first + surname) (or perhaps
someone elses name, if they were crafty about it). And
here you go also suggesting storms require surnames also,
too, as well. In addition. |
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This idea would require calibration by closely observing and recording the consequences of releasing rhinos into appropriate environments, and then provoking them. |
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The damage could well be catastrophic. |
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What an excellent idea. [+] |
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Scene: Exterior, day. A street - "Railway Cuttings, East Cheam". |
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A VAN drives up, towing a large TRAILER. The VAN stops. The TRAILER is rocking; heavy thumping can be heard. |
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A MAN carrying a CLIP-BOARD exits the VAN and approaches the door of NUMBER 23. He knocks. |
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Sid James (consulting clipboard): "Mister A Hancock ? I'm Mr. James from the Met Office. We wrote to you about some research into weather ?" |
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No firestorm names, though. |
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Why not ? They could be given cheerful historical names, like "Lübeck", "Hamburg", "Tokyo", "Kobe" and "Dresden". |
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But not "Coventry" of course, because that would be in bad taste. |
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I can foresee a potential problem with this stupid craze of
naming weather to appease the insatiable thirst for
sensationalism by the news media. A bomb cyclone? How is
that different from a severe cyclone? But why bomb?
Lets take it further. Whats like a bomb? A terrorist attack
uses bombs, but also other forms of destruction. It isnt
just a severe wind, but an anthrax wind. It isnt just a bit
of a windy day, it is a hijacked passenger jet stormy day.
It isnt just a hot day, it is a nuclear dirty bomb in a
suitcase heat death day. It isnt just cloudy and dark, it is
bomb on the underground causing city-wide power
failure cloudy darkness. The terminology used is very
similar to terrorist activities. The ultimate outcome is that
on every weather report for every slightly perturbed
weather that isnt totally peaceful and neutral, the
weather will be suffixed with the phrase
but police state
that this weather is not terrorist related, we repeat, this
weather is not Islamist terrorism related, the police state
that this is not Islamic related weather. |
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Logically, we should initiate a fad for naming babies
after weather phenomena. Over time these names will
become widely-accepted and adopted into the
contemporary lexicon of trendy names for your
offspring. Then, as meteorologists exhaust the stock
of names for storms, hurricanes, strong breezes,
etc., they will turn to this new, rich seam of names
and you will have "Hurricane Sunny-day", "Storm
Scattered-showers", "Hurricane Hurricane", etc. |
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If you pay for the good stuff, yes. |
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//Name storms after famous people// Someone started
naming storms after climate change deniers. |
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//The damage could well be catastrophic. // rhinostrophic,
shirley. |
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How does the order go?
Catastrophic <dogostrophic <rhinostrophic
<termiteostrophic <fungistrophic? |
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A diecperianapalinstrophe might go right through and out the
other side, then come back around, sneak up and get you again.
Rhino optional. |
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//How does the order go? Catastrophic <dogostrophic
<rhinostrophic <termiteostrophic <fungistrophic?// |
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Postrophic, adj. On a diet. |
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Theres a lot in the news lately about this new storm called
Daniels apparently, itll blow quite spectacularly. |
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