h a l f b a k e r y
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Roland fastened the locking mechanism then checked that the crotchless underwear was clear of all sphincters and other potential sources of fouling... so far, so good.
He then donned his trousers and fastened his belt before checking his reflection in the mirror... "Pretty suave for a guy nearing
middle age", he thought to himself, checking his combover in the mirror, "I'm going to have to get some hair transplant treatment soon, for that shiny patch."
Roland then checked his blood alcohol content, pressing the switch on his hip that sent a tiny, fine probe into his skin. A small, tinny voice issued from his nether regions, assuring him it was 0.02% BAC. "About right for a late afternoon martini.", he murmured. The probe would remain, painlessly,for the rest of the evening.
He was ready for a night on the town, he decided, confident that his Homing Underwear was working. Now, when he'd had a skinful and was trying to find his way home he knew that he was all set. They were set to activate at 1:00am or a BAC of 0.10%, whichever came first.
Once activated they would send a small electric shock into each buttock sequentially, tickling the sciatic nerve a little and thus ensuring he took a step with that leg. The inbuilt GPS would direct which leg he was to move, to take the most effective and efficient route home. Sharp turns were handled by the application of a series of jolts to the same buttock until the desired direction was achieved.
They were also set to detect bladder pressure, directing him to the nearest restroom or alleyway before he accidentally pissed all over himself.
"At $69.95 a pair these oughtta sell like toys at Christmastime." Roland chuckled, smugly.
The Beer Scooter
http://www.urbandic...p?term=beer+scooter
I've just started filling 'er up now. [marklar, Dec 31 2007]
It seems the urban dictionary has a term for almost everything
http://www.urbandic...Trolling+for+Bubba+
[Ling, Dec 31 2007]
[link]
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Is there a sporran-based version for those occasions one would wear one's kilt? |
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Sure there is but it gives you the alternate jolts in the goolies, instead of the buttocks. :) |
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<Makes mental note to elf - do not wear kilt with RolandCo Homing Sporran> |
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// do not wear kilt with RolandCo Homing Sporran // |
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...unless you are going home alone on New Year's Eve..... |
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I usually ride my beer scooter home. |
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That'll get you booked and 2 years licence suspension here. A man was sentenced this week for doing mechanical work on a car whilst intoxicated. He was not in possession of the keys at the time, either. |
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No, no, no. See the linkycle. |
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Might leave the wearer very TENS. |
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Those beer scooters get around. I remember them in my area, too. Took all the money out of your pockets, too. |
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Not a term I had heard. You learn something useless every day. |
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I want this. I could use this. In fact, I would use this, frequently. Last friday night, this would've been particularly helpful. Never heard of the 'beer scooter' before, but I recall an article in a newspaper a few months ago about Bill Murray getting pulled over in Sweden during the Masters Tourney for driving a golf cart down main street whilst intoxicated. Muttered something about the movie "Caddyshack" according to at least one witness. |
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You can have your second pair free, if you order now, [21Q]. |
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Do I get an after-Christmas clearance price on the first pair? |
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Unlikely, Roland has embraced Islam. Apparently it allows him up to four wives. Poor lad doesn't realise he's still to attract the first one. |
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+ for the image of a man who can't hold his liquor laying down kicking the floor involuntarily. |
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