Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Rotting in Hellszydckt

beauty-baking while dirt-making
 
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You know not of the wondrous health benefits and enhanced wellbeing to be had, without trying our excklusive ckompost spa. We guarantee a tingling of all nerve endings and soul-warming with one three-hour use, not to ignore the backterial sckin benefits.

Our baths, in the verdant hills outside of Hellszydckt, are alone in the authentick tradition of the garbage sauna. Not unlike steam bath boxes as seen in movies before the war, subjeckts are packed in the moist warmth of week-old kitchen refuse. As the healing vapors and myriad worms and inseckts prod and ply your body, a lockal juvenile will fan your face with refresching, fly-free air and offer our renowned, warm, dandelion beer, made from natural weeds ckultivated in well-sweated soil.

Squeamisch cklients are offered a thin ckotton jumpsuit to still needless fears. Attention: the recent slanderous artickles referring to snakes, spiders and rats have little foundation. Later we drag you from the breakdown box for a waterway, sckin dip and invigorating pummeling with river sticks. As you wave to new guests arriving on the steamboat, we will remind you to leave a little on your supper plate for their spa pleasure.

FarmerJohn, Jul 04 2003

"On Ilkley Moor Baht 'at" http://www.ilkley.org/iguide/baht.htm
Words and music, but no translation. [angel, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

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       Ckomposting ckroissant.   

       It's all that country air, you know. Rots the brain.
DrBob, Jul 04 2003
  

       (((shudder)))
st3f, Jul 04 2003
  

       The temperature in a compost heap eventually gets high enough to completely sterilise it (60°C, according to a quick Google). This might be an undesirable side effect if you're stuffing people in it too.
DrCurry, Jul 04 2003
  

       Yes, I'm afraid it's not up to the 100 degrees of a steamy, Finnish sauna.
FarmerJohn, Jul 04 2003
  

       And there's no Birch branch spanking . . .
bristolz, Jul 04 2003
  

       bz: Yes, there are - they're those rotting things digging into your back.
FJ: air has an altogether lower heat capacity than compost. A sauna may be hotter, but it won't heat you up as much. I guess it depends on how long you're in the thing. I was assuming a couple of weeks.
DrCurry, Jul 04 2003
  

       If this turns out to be a success, you could open an English franchise on Ilckley Moor.
egbert, Jul 04 2003
  

       Tats optional?
angel, Jul 04 2003
  

       [angel] You mean tat - Noun. 1. Rubbish, junk. Abb. of tatty. E.g."You can't wear that old cardigan, it's tat." {Informal}. 2. Abb. of tattoo. ?
FarmerJohn, Jul 04 2003
  

       No, I mean tat as in "Ilkley Moor bah tat", a song in Yorkshire dialect. The title translates as "Ilkley Moor without a hat". It's a contraction of "the hat", and "bah" (possibly "bar") means "without". Odd people, these Yorkshiremen.
angel, Jul 04 2003
  

       Not in this instance, I assure you. The gist of the song is:

"Where have you been since I last saw you?"
"I've been on Ilkley Moor without a hat"
"You're going to die of a cold, we'll bury you, worms will eat you, ducks will eat the worms, we will eat the ducks, thus we will have eaten you."

I guess you need to be there.
angel, Jul 04 2003
  

       I thought "tat" was the word for making lace.
bristolz, Jul 04 2003
  

       (barf)
snarfyguy, Jul 04 2003
  

       God Bless You [Angel]
..Where the ducks play football....
gnomethang, Jul 04 2003
  

       If you don't backe it soon, someone will.   

       You could further expand on it. Since it's a resort, you could make it for people who plan to die there. Their last week will be ultimate bliss, all the resort activities and a place to rest while you are waiting to die. Person would compost quickly along with the dirt. Add enzymes to balance everything and mix it all up again for the next person. The whole resort could be a spiritual experience.
sartep, Jul 04 2003
  

       [bz]: Yes, it is; tatting (as a participle [or is it a gerund?]) is lace-making. As a noun, it is as I said. Commonly, Yorkshire dialect elides /the/ into /t'/ (with no glottal stop), and attaches it to the following word, and of course any inital H disappears, hence "the hat" becomes "tat". When the following word begins with a consonant, the /t'/ attaches to the preceeding word, as "going to't pub".
angel, Jul 04 2003
  

       well, I'll go to t'foot of the stairs.   

       yorkshire is most certainly a dark and sinister county. they have more than their share of serial killers.   

       and their pudding is most peculiar.
po, Jul 04 2003
  

       Tit for tat.
thumbwax, Jul 04 2003
  

       my ex-girlfriend came from Yorkshire. She was dark, but not particularly sinister. She had enormous tats.
Nickynackynoo, Jul 04 2003
  

       // Hellszydcktqxpmdgwlbccnkjfrtswqolhuty //   

       I'm convinced that people from the north spell things like that just to keep foreign immigrants from the best spots.
RayfordSteele, Jul 05 2003
  
      
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