h a l f b a k e r y
"Put it on a plate, son. You'll enjoy it more."
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Some blokes get a bit itchy around this time of night. Down There. Sweaty too. And it just has to be dealt with there and then. So wives, girlfriends and dinner guests suffer the unsightly spectacle of the ‘unzip-rummage-withdraw-and-sniff’ ritual.
(That sniff is a curiously invariant aspect.
Anthropologists are in two camps about this. Some believe that it is meant to enhance the experience, like in wine tasting. Others contend that it’s just to check that the index finger doesn’t smell too much for the nostril picking that will follow later. Research is in progress. But I digress.)
The trouser scratch mitten (scritten) restores an air of decorum to the proceedings. Incorporated into the front of the trouser, it seems at first just like an extra, hidden, deep pocket, at the front and just in from the side pockets. However, the scritten comfortably accommodates a hand and has enough depth to allow the wearer to reach the parts that normal trouser pockets cannot reach.
The scritten also has a slightly rough yet absorbent exterior, to provide a superior quality scratching experience, carefully formulated to avoid skin abrasion and to mop up excess scrotal moisture.
The trousers stay fastened, the itch gets scratched, the hand stays clean, and the dinner party goes just swimmingly. No darling, I didn’t realise we’d used Camembert when making that quiche either.
Short name, e.g., Bob's Coffee
Destination URL.
E.g., http://www.coffee.com/
Description (displayed with the short name and URL.)
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C'mon; you don't have to act like it's never happened to you. |
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I would suggest that the pocket have individual fingers (rename it "scrove"?) to facilitate more precise manipulation and targetted relief. |
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Repeated and habitual use of the scritten will likely lead to banishment from most public places, especially school playgrounds and Chuck E Cheese restaurants. I would suggest instead one should practice a Michael Jackson impression instead in order to peform a more socially-acceptable "adjustment" to the nether regions. |
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Wait a second - why not adopt MJ's name for this trouser modification? "Gimme a minute, hon. I gotta do a Michael Jackson here. Ahhh. Much better." |
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Or better yet, at the tailor - "Very good, sir. I think we're all done. The grey pinstripe is an excellent choice. By the way, does monsieur Michael Jackson from the left or the right?" |
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Awesome! I would use this every day. |
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Oh, God! I'm opposed to anything that uses "Michael Jackson" as a verb. Ick! |
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/ .. a curiously invariant aspect
Like looking at what comes on your finger when you scratch behind an ear? |
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Texticle, I did originally think of this as a glove sewn in, but a mitten would be more flexible (one size fits all) and absorb more moisture if need be. |
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The targeted relief argument is compelling, though. Maybe that's a choice for the individual - "Ah sir, I see you are somewhat moist up the legs today. May I suggest upgrading the scrove to a scritten?" |
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If Sir is so moist up the legs that tailor can see, would tailor not suggest the scrowel instead? |
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If Sir is so moist up the legs, maybe Sir isn't a Sir. |
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Perhaps sir would fashion himself needing the waist-mounted backhoe ... that one has a navel-anchored slip stabilizer and a discreetly positioned armpit switch. |
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I thought I was the only one who sniffed after scratching. |
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Swamp Sack Syndrome (SSS) is never funny. I, for one, appreciate the fact that [boysparks] has made an effort to help those.. stop snickering.. help those that are afflicted with.. I said stop it! .. with this problem that.. Oh right, that's it! <stomps off with the barely audible sound of sloshing and squishing coming from the nether regions> |
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thought you guys would wear a tube sock on it...
absorbs sweat, makes things look ---er.... larger... cant loose! |
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plus it'd be a way to recycle those extra socks that lose their partners in the dryer! |
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