Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
Like gliding backwards through porridge.

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Sloth Locks

The new knotty you with algae just like a sloth
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Transform your plain mane into a nappy pelage, naturally colored and highlighted. Stand out in a crowd after we’ve matted your hair and added algae to create a red or blue-green, fuzzy hairdo.

Yours will be no mundane dreadlocks. With different, living algae, you can have gray temples and brown, kinky locks with tan tips. Even the texture can be manipulated. In addition to ordinary hair algae and beard algae, we can blend in fuzz, thread, stag horn, smear or slime algae. And imagine the envious looks when you dive in at the pool party with a frizzy coiffure embedded with bioluminescent bacteria.

Taking care of your ‘do is a cinch. Spray your sloth locks once a day with water containing a small amount of houseplant fertilizer. Wash your scalp weekly with dread soap and pop in to us once a month for a grooming. As you relax, we preen your coat, removing any debris such as particles of skin, vegetation or sloth moths.

FarmerJohn, Jul 27 2002

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       Whew. I was afraid this would be some twisted idea for using whole handcuffed sloths as bike locks.   

       And by the way, that is one of the strangest sentences I've ever written.   

       Instead, it's another twisted idea for growing moss and mold all over you... yeeeeech. Ewwww. Blech. Yuck. A far simpler solution: forgo shampooing.
polartomato, Jul 28 2002
  

       Anything with sloth in the title gets my vote. I'm quite fond of them. (Indeed, one of my nicknames is Sloth)
simonj, Apr 01 2004
  
      
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