It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to get around lately, and when I was in the shop I knocked down an entire display of vibrators with my left flank. It was pretty embarassing but I was committed to getting the device I had read about.

I have it here lying on my bed, and I have been going over and over the instructions since breakfast - I'm so excited!

Ethel and I have tried several times from every angle to reach each other's parts simultaneously but to no avail. We quiver about like retching dugongs on a high sea - our mouths inches from the prize - but our gelatinous bellies prove to be the most difficult and frustrating of sexual adversaries.

'The Super 69 Lard Winch - for When Your Girth Is Only Exceeded by Your Desire' it says in bold letters across the top. It consists of two winches with hand cranks much like the jack I use to change the tyres on the station wagon.

'Both padded neck and shoulder braces can be adjusted to the desired angle to press your upper body down and into the appropriate region depending on your size.'

The diagram shows two large people, one on top of the other facing in opposite directions - both wearing the neck and shoulder braces. Once in position, a thick strap goes under the buttocks of the person laying underneath, around, over and attached to the rear of the neck brace the person on top is wearing. The same procedure occurs for the person underneath who wears an identical brace.

It comes with two winches - each winch to 'lay on a stable surface within reaching distance of both persons' the instructions say.

'With each downward crank on the winch, your partner's genitals will be pushed further and further towards your mouth. When you have made contact, take your time to enjoy the pleasures that morbid obesity has robbed of you. When satiated or in an emergency situation tap the winch crank in an upward direction to release.'

I think Ethel and I should eat out tonight.