h a l f b a k e r yWhat was the question again?
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... is this a RED SEVEN? Repeat: is this a RED SEVEN?
Please
answer with launch code word sequence to initiate
missile
launch.
(Telemarketer) "Uhh, hi, you have been chosen to save
up
to 7% on energy saving windows, is the head of the
household home?"
(You) Proper launch code word
sequence confirmed.
Inserting launch keys. Next code word sequence to
launch
missiles please.
(Telemarketer) "Uuum, I'm not sure I've got the right
number."
(You) Correct launch code word sequence verified.
Missiles
away. Please shelter in place for expected counter
attack.
Good luck and God be with you. (click)
Now if the person calls back and says: "Ok, you're really
going to have to move to get this 7% off deal. It's now a
very, very limited time offer." hire that
person to head your sales department immediately.
The telemarketer revenge machine
The_20telemarketer_20revenge_20machine
An earlier iteration, I especially like Seals approach. [Skewed, Dec 10 2017, last modified Dec 11 2017]
A little less dramatic approach.
https://www.wsj.com...emarketers-2dbb8457
[doctorremulac3, Jun 29 2023]
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Annotation:
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"Hello, can I speak to the telephone services decision maker,
please ?" |
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"Er, yeah ... maybe ... just a moment ... I think the paramedcs are
still working on him". |
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"I don't know, I'll go and ask the arresting officer". |
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"No problem. I guess you speak Swahili, then ?" |
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"Of course you may, that's me, and I'm truly delighted to speak
to you and bring the Lord's truth to you on this beautiful day that
God has made for us all. Have you been saved for Jesus,
brother?" |
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"Oh, we're so glad you called - the other lot cut off our service,
just because we didn't pay them. Petty, I call it." |
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I always find that a cheery "fuck off" is remarkably ineffective. |
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Maybe a creative background |
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- operating room in a hospital
- torture chamber
- orgy
- satanic ritual
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Your automated phone message should include something
about tracing the call to its source, with the missiles
targeting that location. |
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"Hab SoSli' Quch ! "* is very effective, particularly when dealing with Ferengi, although not so good as "Your mother wears clothes and has tiny ears ! " |
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*Klingon for "Your mother has a smooth forehead ! ", a provocation used to trigger a fight to the death. |
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I tend to simply use this routine. |
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You: "Hi, if I decide at any time that this is in any way sales
or marketing I'll simply hang up, now how can I help you" |
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I find that 90% of the time that produces the following
response. |
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But if it does get any other response from a telemarketer
then you can respond with the following with a completely
clear conscience. |
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After all, they have been warned. |
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Had a proud moment with a call a couple of months ago.
Guy said he was calling to raise fund for some policeman's
fund implying some link to the police. I said "Oh, my son's
an
officer with the (name of city not important) P.D. (Which
is
true by the way) What precinct are you associated with? |
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He said thank you and hung up. |
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Now as frightfully clever as my response was, a simple
"Go fuck yourself." would have sufficed. |
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I'm actually pretty careful to not be disrespectful to
legitimate telemarketers who are just trying to earn an
honest, albeit annoying, living. However when somebody's
obviously pulling some kind of scam I get a little ticked
off. |
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//legitimate telemarketers who are just trying to earn an honest, albeit annoying, living// |
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No, they're not. They should all be shot, then burned, then shot again before being killed, preferably in public as a warning to others. There is no such thing as "legitimate telemarketing". My phone is not there to be advertised through. |
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// They should all be shot, then burned, then shot again before
being killed, preferably in public as a warning to others. // |
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It must be the Christmas spirit working its magic ; you're
mellowing noticeably of late. |
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It is. I was going to suggest "and all their kinfolk". |
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//They should all be shot, then burned, then shot again
before being killed,// |
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Sounds a bit extreme, I don't think it's necessary to shoot
them twice. |
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It does seem a bit extravagant. |
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A steamroller, followed by a flamethrower, would be nicely
entertaining. |
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// and all their kinfolk // |
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The rest of their domestic and domesticated animals, yes; plus their servants, their neighbours, their friends, and anyone sharing their surname. |
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But the little dog shall be spared, taken to a safe place, and encouraged by a system of rewards to chase cats and bite the french. |
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However it's done, I see the us eventually winning the war against obnoxious telemarketers, one way or another. (link) |
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