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The Abductatron

"Beam me up, Xenxilitlx!"
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Roland stood under a clear, starry sky, goosebumps rising all over his skin. Though he knew what was coming the sense of anticipation was gripping, real...

The ship came silently, swooping down as if on gossamer wings, from the sky. It was silver and shiny, a few green lights shining brightly from its glistening surface.

A cloud of cold, opaque fog enveloped Roland, spreading across the ground in a slow, swirling, mesmeric dance. Roland shivered slightly, the sudden chill of the fog playing with his imagination. A door opened in the strange craft, silhouetting a tall being with an impossibly large head.

The being said something that Roland could not understand. The "words" seemed to resonate inside his head, an effect caused by the ring of concealed speakers aimed directly at him, each guided by a computer system that located his head at the centre of a cone of sound. The effect was to focus the sound from the perfectly synchronised speakers at a point centrally between his ears.

Roland was suddenly wrapped in a damp blanket of some sort, spinning blindly into the air as the blanket tightened around him, the twirling sensation taking away any sense of orientation he had possessed. He was vaguely aware of a vibration in the ship and a powerful sense of upward movement.

A whirring noise signalled the beginning of a series of weird "medical procedures", including a rather impersonal anal probe. A droning commentary, in the same strange language, continued inside his head.

By the time Roland was deposited, stark naked, back in the field where he had been "abducted" he had lost track of time... an effect heightened by the mild cocktail of legal drugs he had been given, leaving him feeling confused and slightly paranoid.

He stumbled back to his car, located his keys under the rear passenger's side wheelarch and got into his car. An hour or so later he drove home, buoyed with elation that his new business venture was soon to make him a wealthy man.

A quiet helicopter, a fake spaceship, some costumes and lights and a few thousand feet of black cable on a dark night and the millions of abduction fantasists out there would be beating a path to his door.

A discreet service to negotiate the per person fee and some subterfuge and heavy duty hypnosis of the abductees and he could see it being a lucrative business for a long time to come.

A professionally edited DVD of the entire experience could also be made available for a further fee. All concrete detail would be carefully edited out of the presentation, leaving a confusing and blurred series of extreme closeups and foggy "dream sequences" for the suggestible viewer. It would have to appear to have been accidentally shot by the abductee, who just happened to have a miniature camcorder running the entire time.

UnaBubba, Feb 07 2008

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       How much to I have to pay for them to keep him?
RayfordSteele, Feb 07 2008
  

       Nice. Would also make an excellent birthday/Xmas/anniversary gift for that "special" person in your life.
lostdog, Feb 07 2008
  

       My wife wants to know how much extra she'd have to pay for Fox Mulder to rescue her.
boysparks, Feb 07 2008
  

       //A quiet helicopter//
I think an ordinary one is sufficient, though not exactly silent. If you've ever had a "helicopter" hovering low above the roof of your house, you've had the eerie bright lights, overpowering unhelicopterish sound, and the localized tornado. Yet all the neighbors claim it was "just a helicopter". Fat chance. +
Amos Kito, Feb 07 2008
  

       This could change the world if fantasizers are subliminally programmed to do card tricks, perform complex maths without calculators, or speak Arabic.
reensure, Feb 07 2008
  

       You don't like Roland, [RF]? He has nothing but respect for you.
UnaBubba, Feb 07 2008
  

       // a rather impersonal anal probe// oxymoron.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 07 2008
  

       As opposed to what? A "personal" anal probe? Yechhhhewwww.
Blisterbob, Feb 07 2008
  

       I think it's a brilliant scenario, for scamming and promoting hoaxes. -
dentworth, Feb 07 2008
  

       //My wife wants to know how much extra she'd have to pay for Fox Mulder to rescue her//   

       ... As long as Ms Scully can rescue me...
Custardguts, Feb 07 2008
  

       " ... As long as Ms Scully can rescue me...   

         

       I hear tell her fingers stink...Better watch out what you wish for.
Blisterbob, Feb 07 2008
  

       Roland is one of those creeps we all love to hate. Or maybe I'm just subconsciously jealous of him? hmmm....
RayfordSteele, Feb 08 2008
  

       Roland is certainly a creep. I don't like him at all... probably because I know so many small business owners who share many of his less endearing traits.   

       He is modelled upon a certain type of highly opportunistic businessman who seems to be most common on Australia's Gold Coast. They are morally repugnant, selfish, ruthless and forever attempting to find the easy way to make a buck out of the unsuspecting public.
UnaBubba, Feb 08 2008
  
      
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