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The Official Instruction Manual for Shelves

 Within this massive tome, one can find concise, step-by-step instructions on every aspect of shelf operation.
 
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Have you ever wanted to know how you can convert a kitchen shelf/cabinet into a bookshelf? Have you ever wondered whether or not you've been putting away your dishes with propriety? Well, you're in luck, because all of your answers are in here, the Official Instruction Manual for Shelves!

Yes, you've heard me! It's the Official Instruction Manual for Shelves. It slices! It dices! It can cut through materials no harder than yogurt! But that's okay, because it's utility as a knife is really ancillary to its true use a book! Yes, you've heard me! It's a book, though, to everyone's dismay, not a very good one! But, ask this to yourself: when's the last time you've seen something that was called both a book and a knife!?

*Unintelligible announcer reads a great deal of passively vituperative legalese at breathtaking speed*

—Babyhead, Jun 14 2004

Oooh, nearly! http://www.amazon.c...31?v=glance&s=books
// when's the last time you've seen something that was called both a book and a knife!? // [dobtabulous, Oct 04 2004]

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       It's strange! It's odd! It contains a lot of exclamation marks! If it were big enough, it could be used as a bookend instead! If you add it to your collection, visitors will think you're stupid! It'll make a great conversation piece, though friends may feel compelled to use one-syllable words you can understand!   

       Buying this book does not confer upon the user the ability to put up shelves correctly. Babyhead is not to be held responsible for injuries caused while using this book. This book does not allow user to fly.
—david_scothern, Jun 15 2004
   

       comes in packs of two! just add a plank and it IS a shelf !
—neilp, Jun 15 2004
   

       This was our official course book when I did my "Theory of Shelfalism and applied Shelfalogical Studies" degree at Shelfington University.
—dobtabulous, Jun 15 2004
   

       so this is a sort of 'shelf help book.'
—etherman, Jun 15 2004
   

       big enough to use as a kitchen stool and a stepladder to the top shelves.
—po, Jun 15 2004
   

       Not bad, if people can write whole books on making toast, why not have a whole book on shelves?   

       Seriously though, how many accidents a year are caused by overloading poorly fixed shelves? Or hanging shelves in odd places where people hit their heads? Or... um...
—iivix, Jun 16 2004
   

       what about a book on how to hang elves?
—etherman, Jun 16 2004
   
      
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