Taste is highly subjective, but here are a few examples of plain talk, that would give the buyer more of a sense of direction than is presently the case.

Current spiel: <A flinty, straw yellow drop, with a bouquet of white peaches and butterscotch, and a hint of honey-roasted cashews. Tight and long, with a well-sealed finish and strong fruit character.> (This sort of thing is pretentious horseshit)

What it could say: <Stocking filler, if you are giving wine as a gift. Midrange, low price, dry white wine, that goes down easy. Great for a lazy afternoon with some nibblies, leading into an evening barbecue.>

<Raw power, this is a red to cellar until 2012-2020. It will bite you now, best to let it mellow. Low yield vines and poor rains in the period prior to the 2000 vintage mean this one will be renowned for years.>

<Crisp, dry white. Great wine to drink standing up, whilst mingling at the opening of your new office building. Refreshing, and enjoyable enough that everyone will start to enjoy themselves after an hour and 3-4 glasses.>

<Old-fashioned, gutsy, oaky chardonnay. Excellent if chilled and served *cold* with spicy, Asian food. Hard to go wrong with this one.>

<Good wines when they're older, Winery Y have pulled off a rare feat... they've managed to bottle a koala. Sort of warm, red and furry, with a hint of ammonia. Seriously, hang onto it for a few years and it should turn into a good wine. This winery tends to make wines with a long bottle life.>

<If only this stuff had been left in the pentagram in which was brewed. Still too young to make a guess as to how it might turn out, three years from now, when it's had a chance to mature.>

<At this age, it's very useful for keeping coins and engine blocks clean. It may well turn out to be as good as their 2000 vintage, but you might need to hang onto it for a few years. >

<Why pay hundreds for a good French Sauternes when you can have the real thing for a fraction of that price?>

<Sweet, sticky, golden, fruity, average dessert wine. After the good stuff is gone, and you're still trying to understand that your wife has left you for another woman then this is the shortest way for you to forget her. 35% alcohol, which doesn't seem to thin its cloying sweetness, at all.>

<If you no longer require the enamel on your teeth then you can't go past this little number. It has a variety of household uses, though I would suggest that human consumption probably isn't one of them.>

<At this end of the market the term connoiseur is fairly wide-reaching. If the guy sitting next to you recommends this wine then it's time to move to a different alley, with a warmer dumpster.>

And his trusty sidekick, Corkhead Screw.