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I am shocked that there is no "Food: Drink: Wine" category.
so that I am having an extra glass of wine to get over it.
Screw-tops for wine are one the greatest contributions to
progress since wine. A lot of people used to get (and still do
snooty about them, either
because the first wines to be
tops were pretty cheap and nasty, or because the people in
do not actually know much about wine.
With very few exceptions, a bottle of wine is not a religious
- it's a drink that can be bad, indifferent or good. Screwtops
eliminate the risk of a bottle being corked, and have the
of not requiring special hardware and of being easily re-
the unlikely event that you are left with an unfinished bottle
end of breakfast. Only a subset of mostly expensive wines
from storage under a cork if kept for years or decades.
Howevertheless, it can't be denied that screw-tops lack
There is no elaborate foil-cutting and cork-screwing, no
suspense as the sommelier buries your bottle between his
tugs. No squeak of cork easing out of glass. No cheerful
Instead, there's just a little snapping sound - rather like that
small mammal having its neck broken - as the screw-top
from the metal collar. It's all a little bit sad.
Proposed, therefore, is an altogether more engaging screw-
begin with, it should have the same lead-foil condom over it
found on cork bottles, with a little tab that can be peeled
remove the foil. Next, the thread of the screw-top (or at
bottom-most part of it) should have a layer of gutta-percha
to it - this will squeak appealingly as the cap is twisted.
tiny bits of metal that connect the cap to the metal collar
a little wider than they currently are, and should be
varying thicknesses so that they snap - audibly - in
than all at once. Potentially, the metalwork could be
produce pings rather than snaps, perhaps in ascending pitch.
last bit of metal should be particularly strong, such that
effort is needed to finally free the cap from the collar, and
significant sound is produced.
Having thus broken the bonds between the cap and the
now need to think about the sound of the actual unscrewing
At present, it's just a sort of scritty-scratty sound of thin
sliding over glass. Instead, the glass thread of the
be embossed with transverse grooves which engage with one
little metal nubbins in the cap, to produce something more
Finally, with the bottle opened, there is one last step in the
ritual to be
addressed. With a cork bottle, it's customary to hand the
cork to a
designated cork-sniffer amongst the party, to verify that all
is well and the
bottle isn't corked. Failing this, a small amount of wine can
be poured for
tasting, for the same reason. Neither of these can (or
should) be done with a
screw-top bottle: there is no point in sniffing the cap itself,
there is little point in tasting the wine since it can't possibly
be corked. It is,
in fact, bad form to taste a screw-top wine in this way,
unless you suspect
that the wine has been tampered with (for instance, refilled
with a cheaper
wine and re-capped), which is unlikely in the extreme.
So, what to do in lieu of cork-sniffing or tasting? Well,
perhaps the simplest
option is to have a little dot inside the cap that responds to
changing colour. When the screw-cap is presented to you,
simply peer into it
knowingly - perhaps hold it up to the light - and see if it
indicates a suitable
temperature for the wine in question. If all is well (or even
if it's not - most
people bluff), you can then give the sommelier that special
nod that says "I,
an authority on wines, recognise that you, the sommelier,
opened the right bottle of wine, and that it is fit to be
the others at the table".
Here's one product for somebody who gets their kicks by twisting off the heads of little animals.
[doctorremulac3, Mar 30 2019]
||Having last year learned everything there is worth
knowing about wine, and nothing there isnt, I
agree about the screw top. However rather than
overengineering the screw top, which is
mechanically fit for purpose, simply supplant it. At
the point of opening, a system using Bluetooth,
Blockchain and AI could detect the wine opening
and synthesise a sensorially impressive sound vision
and haptic display of ceremony and pomp. Thus,
the increased cost is a one-off rather than
distributed across every bottle of wine.
||If such a system is connected to the Internet of
Shit, it could also, as well as the sound vision and
tactile show, immediately order another wine of
the same sort, whether you wanted one or not,
and whether this one was any good or not.
||I have no problem with the inventiveness, but this
will lead to a further decline of the traditional
cork industry, along with all of the elaborate cork
||Why not just add one of those little sound chips they have in the tackier kind of greetings cards to the bottle top, so that the bottle sounds a theatrical trumpet fanfare when opened?
//I am shocked that there is no "Food: Drink: Wine" category//
But there is a "Food: Alcohol: Wine" category - I can therefore only conclude that you were keen that your idea was also applicable to
||//"Food: Alcohol: Wine" category// Ah - so there is. Moved.
||//elaborate cork screw makers.//
||Hmm. That's a good point. Perhaps the new screw-tops could
have indentations on their tops rather like those in locking
wheel-nuts. In that way, it would be *possible* to open a
bottle with bare hands but, for added effect, you could also
use an elaborate opener rather like a tyre-iron. The opener
would, of course, have to have the right profile to fit the
particular bottle in question: "Renée, get me a number five
Pinot Gris key, 2016-18."
||Ahh, the turn of the screw
||//Howevertheless, it can't be denied that screw-tops
||I deny it! It is possible to pull off a little theatre by
first clicking free the
perforations that lock the screwtop in place with a
with the screwtop free from encumbrance, a
controlled spin can be
introduced by putting
lateral pressure and allowing it to unscrew by rolling
it down the side of the
finger until the finger flicks past the end, sending the
screwtop into a
frantic spin - this
can, with practice, launch the screwtop into the air,
and whilst it lacks the
pomp and ballistic oomph of a champagne cork, it is
normally enough to
generate tuts and
eye-rolling from the more staid of guests.
||Another thing that could be done would be to have a cross-head screw head embossed in the metal screw-top cap. This would enable the wine bottle to be opened with a standard electric screwdriver. This pointless addition of noisy technology to the challenge of opening a bottle of wine is guaranteed to add the desired theatricality.
Naturally, more expensive bottles of wine would have to be opened with hex or torx bits.
||Theyd have to be security torx, so that the host
can with a knowing wink show off the fact that
they have a full set of security torx bits, including
a dramatically oversized one the size of a wine
bottle top. After the bottle is opened, a nearby
Mac Mini could be upgraded.
||For theatricality, the metal tabs between the collar and the cap should be coated in silver fulminate, so that successful unscrewing is accompanied with a loud bang.
||I am also partial to the idea of opening a bottle of wine with a rip cord like you might find on a small petrol engine.
||//After the bottle is opened, a nearby Mac Mini could be upgraded// - or a MacBook, if the host was opening a bottle of Apple Wine, with the special Pentalobe bits.
||//opening a bottle of wine with a rip cord//
||Why not have a small pull-start clip-on petrol-powered 2-stroke wine bottle screw-cap unscrewing device?
||Because then you'll shake the contents, and quite
possibly find the bottle's natural frequency. I
suppose the result could make for good theatre.
||In America, the caps would be adorned by a battery-
powered farting light-up Donald Duck character
clutching a styrofoam fan blade. That passes for
||//No cheerful "pop". Instead, there's just a little snapping
sound - rather like that of a small mammal having its neck
||Never thought about it that way, but I could have sworn
my youth I've opened novelty, character shaped bottles
shampoo for instance, that featured a
representation of an
animal's head for a cap. Didn't consider the "twist the
head off, pour the liquid out" aspect at the time.