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Trivial Horoscopes

You will pour milk on your cereal today.
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A simple idea: compose horoscopes that may be well adjusted to the less adventurous soul.

"Have you been feeling an itch today, Aquarius? That's probably because your cat has fleas. Don't scratch too much, or you will develop an infection. Instead, treat your loving feline and all will be right in the world."

"Pisces, the planets are especially aligned for you today. The girl at the cafe may or may not give you a free coffee. Kindly accept. Pass it on."

"Don't get out of bed, Aries. Seriously, don't. You're way too hungover to do anything productive today."

"If you have been feeling a little hesitant lately, Taurus, it's because of your shower curtain. It simply doesn't match your soap. Rethink the decor in your toiletries and all will be right in the world."

"Gemini, how could you? Premium gasoline? Come on. Nobody is that important."

"A wise man once said: Tomorrow is today's excuse for yesterday. Think about that, Sagittarius. Because I can't anymore."

"You have had difficultly in the grocery store lately, Leo. That's okay. Ask a stranger for help. And then run."

daseva, Aug 17 2013

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       Or even the exact opposite. Horrorscopes.   

       You will be changing a flat tyre and the jack will give way. The car will fall on your arm, crushing it into something resembling a mashed noodle, just as a savage dog appears from a nearby field, attracted by your painful cries for help. The dog is foaming at the mouth with rabies..... a crowd of bemused hillbillies gather, armed with pitchforks ready to prod the dog into greater action should it falter. 'That's my dawg' one of them shouts with delight. It starts to rain. You won't be needing next week's Horrorscope readings.
xenzag, Aug 17 2013
  

       Or whoreoscopes - something about leering at women
hortiscopes - something about gardening
hoardoscopes - something about accumulating large amounts of rubbish
Hordeoscopes- something about being attacked by large groups of invaders
horacescopes - something about bitterly satirical happenings
horseoscopes - what names will win at the track
rcarty, Aug 17 2013
  

       "Scorpio, you will feel left out and list-less today."   

       The problem with trivial details is that they tend to be fairly precise, and therefore not open to the wide interpretation that makes horoscopes plausible to many stupid people.   

       It did occur to me, though, that very specific and unambiguous horoscopes would really, really freak out the one person in ten thousand for whom they proved to be accurate. "Libra: a fatal road accident will happen two miles from your house this afternoon, because you had fettucini for dinner last night."
MaxwellBuchanan, Aug 17 2013
  

       // 'That's my dawg' //   

       Sp. "Thet's maaa daawg, Uheh Uheh !"   

       Also, you missed the "Squeal like a pig !" bit. Thankfully.
8th of 7, Aug 18 2013
  

       Also trivial horoscope should be considered a redundancy, or tautology.
rcarty, Aug 18 2013
  
      
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