h a l f b a k e r yI like this idea, only I think it should be run by the government.
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Many homes are equipped with simple protective devices such as first aid kits, fire extinguishers and blankets, perhaps firearms for home defence.
But it is received wisdom that, whenever the Undead are on the loose in large numbers, no-one is prepared, resulting in a lot of running about, screaming,
and gore.
Now, BorgCo can offer the foreward-thinking householder a real alternative to dying a grisly death, or worse, not dying. Simply send off for your Undead Home Proetction Kit, which will be delivered to your door by courier within 48 hours.
The kit is a sturdy brightly-colured plastic box, about the size of a large suitcase. It is clearly marked with luminescent panels to allow it to be located quicly during the inevitable power cut/lightning storm/meteorite shower.
On breaking the seal, and opening the lid, a further luminescent marker shows the location of a push-button on-switch for the internal light. Turning on the light allows a clear view of the contents:
On top is a plastic folder containing diagrammatic and large-print instructions in the language of choice. Underneath this are a number of pictographically-labelled compartments, to be opened depending on the nature of the threat.
For example, lift the lid with the picture of the wolf on it. Beneath, you will find a .38 special hammerless Smith and Wesson snub-nose revolver, preloaded, and 50 rounds of silver-jacketed soft-nosed ammuntion. Beside it is a cartridge-loading water pisto/hypodermic injector, CO2 bulbs, and half a dozen vials of Wolfsbane solution.
Under the bat symbol is a pack of vacuum-packed garlic, half a dozen stakes, a mallet, and another pistol/hypodermic; but this time, the vials are filled with Holy Water.
Under the Zombie symbol, there is a variety of Carribean herbs and spices, a cricket bat, a small chainsaw, and a can of premixed 2-stroke fuel.
Look under the Mummy flap, and this time the pressure gun is a minature flamethrower, along with a pair of toughened steel wirecutters (The trick is to sneak up behind the mummy and cut the safety pins holding the bandages. Once they start to unravel, mummies tend to trip over their own feet, and are easy to despatch).
In the centre is a lid marked "?" containing generic items: A selction of crucifixes and other religious symbols, a variety of taboo foods (in case of Muslim, Hindu or Jewish vampires), a bell, book and candle,. a selection of holy books from all the major religions, a video camera, latex gloves, a flashlight and batteries, distress flares, and contact details for a number of legal practices specialising in mental health cases, because local law enforcement are NEVER going to believe you ......
zombie survival kits
http://images.googl...&btnG=Search+Images
[Laughs Last, Nov 06 2008]
Subchairian dwarf
Ringsmoke
[Zen Tom] introduction of the subchairian dwarf to HB. [theGem, Nov 07 2008]
How to be a dick.
iPhone_20flight_20controls
Volume 1 [Giblet, Nov 09 2008]
Londo Mollari
http://en.wikipedia.../wiki/Londo_Mollari
For those confused by the reference. [DrBob, Nov 10 2008]
FISH
http://en.wikipedia.../wiki/Urban_warfare
"Fighting in Someone's House" [8th of 7, Nov 10 2008]
In case of ambiguous encounters with the undead.
_27how_20to_20tell_...0you_27re_20dead_27
flame piss shelf tan lotion. [daseva, Nov 11 2008]
Man With 1/4 of a brain
http://www.newscien...shocks-doctors.html
Hes only a light snack for the Zombies. [miasere, Nov 14 2008]
Hellfare
http://irrationalth...08/11/hellfare.html
[quantum_flux, Nov 14 2008]
another vampire kit
http://gizmodo.com/...amps-too-251658.php
[Voice, Nov 17 2008]
Not as foolish as it sounds ...
http://news.bbc.co....ci/tech/8206280.stm
Some scientists are taking this seriously. [8th of 7, Aug 19 2009]
[link]
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needs: voodoo--herbs and books. ghosts--shintoist incense and a minerature shrine. "spirits"-- shishi lion with open mouth. demons--book on exorcism rites and equipment. |
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You mean -- uh -- you mean, this is something that duct tape isn't any good for? |
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Duct tape is always good. |
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Needs a welding cylinder incase of shark attack |
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// incase of shark attack // |
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Ah, you want the marine version; fully equipped for dealing with Monster Giant Squid, Ghost Ships, Great White Sharks, and Zombie Pirates. |
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If you buy the Home and Boat kits at the same time, you get a discount. |
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Don't worry, [lurch], there is a roll of duct tape in the "miscelaneous" section. |
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Well actually duct tape could be very effective to
immobilize them. Your classic Zombie is slow and plodding
as in "Night of the Living Dead" (1968 not the 1990 color
remake) so it would be very easy for a quick footed
subchairian dwarf (link) to tape the legs of
one or more of them together thus causing them to take a
tumble. You then position yourself behind the fallen and
watch the rest trip over them all pile up as they come
after you. But watch your back. |
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However if you are dealing with a mutated faster Zombie
then you have to resort to deception. You wrap the duct
tape totally around your body and walk like the classic
mummy as in "The Mummy" (1932 Boris Karloff not the 1999
Brendan Fraser remake) and the mutated Zombies will turn
up their noses at you and breeze past. |
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//Look under the Mummy flap//
Eeew! |
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[zen_tom] recently bought a metre long 18th century British cavalry cutlass *just in case* there ever is a zombie apocalypse and he has
nothing to repel them with from his flat. |
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Sounds like [zen tom] has his wits about him.
Thus far my zombie survival kit is ridiculously unprepared, it includes a survival guide written by some SAS guy, a first aid kit and manual, a zombie survival guide (although frankly I think there are one or two things even this book doesn't consider), a bowling pin (in the absence of any worthwhile weapon) and various minor additions such as tape, string, torches etc. |
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You may want to consider that, especially in the case of zombie apocalypse, this suitcase will essentially be a beacon, bringing every corpse within 20 miles shuffling to your position, and that chainsaws aren't really your best bet in said apocalypse. |
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I'd also like to mention that //Under the bat symbol is//... the city of Gotham in distress. |
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[8th of 7], you need to get out more and meet
"people". Yes, most of them will run away because
you smell bad and your mother makes you dress
funny, but keep at it. It's called "society"
(apparently). |
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If you find any, please ley us know where it
is. |
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<Resumes editing idea that is unoriginal and
merely an expanse on the current zombie trend
which has been beaten to death> |
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Surviving any apocalypse is all about community awareness, though. After you've chainsawed your way through a bunch of zombies... well, you're still alive, sure. But who's going to do your dental work? |
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Rather than a suitcase, I suggest government issue trailers for neighborhoods, organizer training, and municipal contingency protocols, etc. Ooh, and some of those ridiculous tranq guns like they have in Jurassic Park. |
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I thought you were one of a hive of futuristic zombies anyway, [8/7]? This seems to run counter to your stated aims. |
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We aren't "zombies", we are very much alive, thankyou .... |
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Sounds like someone is bearing a grudge...... probably needs to wheel it round on a handcart too, which must be awkward - what with that huge chip on his shoulder and all ...... |
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My comment was a word by word quote, including
spelling mistakes, of what you said to me merely
for commenting on someone else's idea up until
the parenthesis. I was wondering what your
grudge was and why you were such a dick. When
asked in the same space, you didn't answer. |
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My grudge is against your lack of dealing with your
ignorant remarks when confronted. |
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I was just returning the dicking. |
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I've been coming here for many many years and
have never had anyone act that way ever to me,
even though I have been in heated debates. |
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see the link in case you forgot. |
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Where can I get one and how much? [+] |
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The dicking? Oh, it's free. Just act an arsehole around here. |
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<Londo Mollari> "Ladies, please...continue" </LM>
[follows Giblet's link]
Giblet, I know that owning an i-Anything is probably a great source of shame to you, your friends & your family but cutting off your arm seems like an over-reaction. |
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[DrBob] you've made my day, if I had to hold a dinner party for fictional characters, Londo would be one of the first on my list. |
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Oh, and [theleopard] it turns out that a wickedly sharpened, metre-long strip of tempered steel designed for wildly metering out indiscriminate death during a cavalry charge is actually more than a bit tricky to manoeuvre threateningly within the confines of my flat - either I need to find a smaller sword, or I'm going to have to get myself a bigger flat. |
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It's a sabre, rather than a cutlass, Shirley? |
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Shelagh, you're not wrong - a sabre it is - but a cutlass would be much better for confined zombie stabbage. |
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A cutlass at close quarters is apparently a fearsome weapon. |
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// wickedly sharpened.... steel designed for .... death during a cavalry charge // |
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<Tucks thumbs in waistcoat pockets> |
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<Stares at [zen_tom] over gold-rimmed half-moon glasses> |
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A cavalry sword is, contrary to popular belief, NOT sharp. It is, however, very heavy. |
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Cavalry swords are intended to inflict blunt-force trauma (crushing) injuries. The momentum onf the horse and rider, combined with the heavy, curved blade, causes major fractures in the upper skeleton, principally arms, ribs, collarbone and skull. Such injuries to not have to be fatal to be sufficent to remove the target from the battle as an effective. |
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Sharp swords, which would cut through clothing and tissue, have a tendency to "lock" when they cut deep into major bones. The result is that the cavalryman suddenly finds the additional mass of his target literally attached to his sword. He must either then (a) release his grip on the sword, disarming himself, or (b) risk being unhorsed, with his primary weapon disabled. |
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<turns over page of lecture notes> |
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<places new sheet on OHP> |
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// A cutlass at close quarters // |
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Most edged weapons are fearsome at close quarters; their major problem is that they are ONLY fearsome at close quarters. Unless you are a highly skilled practitioner, even knives and throwing spears have relatively short effective ranges. |
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Edged weapons are useful for FISH <link> |
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//Edged weapons are useful for FISH//
No, no, no - you might slash the curtains. |
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Don't think of it as damage, think of it as a fashion statement. |
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After Martin Bryant killed more than 30 people in an afternoon, in Tasmania, a senior police officer observed, "A skilled man with a sword would have killed as many." |
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When no-one has a firearm then a sword is a deadly piece of kit. |
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It's just that 8th of 7 hastes the iPhone so much,
it's mere mention makes him go off like a child. |
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Then like a child, refuses to deal with what he
said when confronted. |
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It's a shame, for the most part I like your ideas and
comments. |
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Sorry [Giblet] I don't get it. Where does the iPhone come into this idea? |
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Include my book in case you get bit <linky>. |
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Hay, [Giblet]! Can you and [8/7] get a room and do the whole handbags at two paces thing in private? It's distressing to see two geeks mewling and hissing at each other in public. |
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We will wrestle him, naked, in custard, if it will stop him whining. |
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I don't see mirror anywhere. They are useful for identifying vampires, checking for signs of life (hopefully none), and touching up mascara after a fight |
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Of course you could always just join the undead. I imagine that sometimes it's fun to walk around eating live brains. You know, there are descent hardworking people who become zombies too, so why should they have to suffer from borg attack just because you're selfish and want to keep your little basketball shaped brain to yourself? Geeze, it's like nobody even cares about what zombies want, it's like they're treated as second class citizens just because they have cannabalistic tendencies. Somebody should definantly call the ACLU about this zombie discrimination. |
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// second class citizens // |
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Arrrgh, another pinko bleeding-heart wussy liberal ...... "Whine, Whine, minority rights, discrinination, social justicem, whine whimper......". Get a grip, or you'll be suggesting giving women the vote next, and where would that lead ? |
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Oh yes, and we'll put a mirror in the box, too. |
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Well, you need to share your brain with the undead people who don't have brains. It's called hellfare, I'm bringing you into the 21st century kicking and screaming if I have to. You really only need 10% of your brain anyway, it would be immoral to use 11%+ of your brainpower since everybody needs to succeed. |
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//You really only need 10% of your brain anyway// <klaxon noise> "Urban myth statistic alert! Stay calm! The statistic you just heard has no basis in fact! I repeat, the statistic you ..." |
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The trick is knowing which 10%. I wonder if we used 100% we would work out that the 10% thing isn't true. |
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True, but the proportion of your brain that you NEED is quite small. See link. |
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A was just joking....I don't care, kill the damn zombies, you really do need 100% of your brains to function properly. Crap, I didn't realize there were real life zombies when I said that thing about the ACLU and hellfare, 8th_of_7 you got to believe me on that one. I'm moving to Australia if the USA ends up passing hellfare legislation with Obama in office these next 4-8 years. |
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// descent hardworking people who become zombies too// |
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Is that some sort of racist comment? |
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BTW, can you define "hellfare legislation"? You're probably going to find you can move here, based upon passing a skills test but you may just end up living in a society with a minimum wage that you can live on, mild winters, friendly people (apart from me), free medical care, universal unemployment benefits (admittedly a subsistence wage, but effectively more than the US minimum wage per week); subsidised pharmaceuticals... in fact, don't bother coming here. I don't think you'd like it that much. |
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Unabubba, Australia has wildlife for me to look at. If both governments have nationalized Hellfare (eating of brains), then it doesn't make a difference other than the scenery where I live, wouldn't mind living in a Communist country even if it has good scenery (and they all have expensive government funded park type scenery and expensive architecture buildings/public transportation....FDR stuff, really). |
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// Australia has wildlife for me to look at. // |
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It certainly does. However, you should consider that the wildlife in Austrailia will not onl;y look back, but then make sustained and determined efforts to bite, poison, or other wise dismemeber andf consume you. |
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Blue Ringed Octopus,
Pacific Sea Snake,
Funnel web spider,
Great White shark,
Stonefish,
Crocodile (salt water),
Crocodile (brackish water),
Crocodile (fresh water),
Crocodile (swimming pool) (VERY unlucky),
... and many, many others ...... |
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Salties can be a bit difficult but freshwater crocs (Johnstone River Crocodile) are harmless unless you happen to be a fish. |
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Funnelwebs and mouse spiders are potentially deadly. Redbacks are less so. |
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// Redbacks are less so // |
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That's so reasurring, to know that even though they're all over the place, lurking under beds, verandas. and dunny seats, their bite is not actually lethal, just very very painful and unpleasant. |
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They're shy little fellers. Their bite hurts like buggery (well, I suppose it does, not ever having experienced buggery) by all accounts. Deaths from their bites are very rare... children and massive envenomations to the face and head might be fatal. |
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There's also 9 or 10 of the ten most lethal snakes omn Earth, somewhere in Australia but they're pretty hard to find. Some of them are so deadly that your best bet is to relax and enjoy the view before the convulsions, vomiting and other symptoms kill you off. |
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So, why did you ever leave your job with the Australian Tourist Commission ? |
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Ant bites, strangely enough. Very painful, sometimes resulting in anaphylactic shock if Tasmanian Bull Ants get a good sting into you... seriously, they result in a death every few years. |
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"Australia: More Than Just A Country, A Cruel Prank On Entomophobes As Well !" |
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And next week on "Out back in the Outback" we will see an
Australian Zombie who received 10% of a brain through
Hellfire legislation battling a pack dingos. Parental discretion
advised. |
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I appreciate the apology you made to me in email. |
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It was a good move and showed you to be a good
person. |
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Eh ? We haven't emailed you ..... |
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And we resent the accusation that we are in any way "good". |
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We apologised for you, you dopey fucking misanthrope. |
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Misanthropy will get you nowhere in the business world (well, mistrust all you want but don't be open and honest about it), but it really works well if you love war and spreading war propaganda though (the open and honest form of misanthropy that is). |
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//you should consider that the wildlife in Austrailia // |
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It's not just the wildlife, you know. There's also the plants - in particular the stinging tree, and also "wait-a-while" <amongst others>. Whilst wait-a-while is really only a nuisance - a good tangle might end up in a few stiches from some good deep cuts - a hit from a stinging tree will bother you for months or years. The sillica spines contain a neurotoxin - so not only do the spines stay inside your flesh for a long time, they also slowly release poison. My grandfather worked in the logging industry and tells stories of loggers getting substantial exposure (say full frontal chest and face) and eventually going crazy from the pain - some were known to have committed suicide as the medicine at the time could not treat the recurring pain. A horse that walked through a thicket of stinging tree would generally have to be shot. |
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Lovely stuff, speakling from experience. |
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Lastly you didn't include box and irukandji jellyfish, possibly our two most.. successful killers. |
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This is all making staying here in the USA and fighting zombies sound all the more appealing to me. Has Australia ever thought about nuking itself to oblivion to kill all of its stupid wildlife and stinging trees? I know, how about a hydrogen bomb, that ought to get rid of the crazy wildlife there. |
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Are any of these things good to eat? |
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If you have a level 3 or above environment suit handy, I can personally recommend the fruit of the stinging tree. |
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Crocodile too, is very tasty. It's an extremely lean, high protein meat that I really can't compare to anything else I've tried. |
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// you didn't include box and irukandji jellyfish // |
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It wasn't meant to be a comprehensive list, just an illustration; and we didn't include the plants because they don't actually come after you "with intent" - they just lurk, brimming over with malice and toxins and sharp edges. |
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// how about a hydrogen bomb // |
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The UK tried a few times, back in the 1950's, at Maralinga. No good .... the local bugs just lapped it up, just grew bigger, nastier, more tentacles ..... |
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// extremely lean, high protein meat // |
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Which is all very well, except for the fact that the crocs also see YOU as a possible lunchtime snack ...... |
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//
//You really only need 10% of your brain anyway// <klaxon noise> "Urban myth statistic alert! Stay calm
//
I think this urban myth grew out of Chinese Whispers, when it was reported that only 10% of the population *uses* it's brain. |
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//not ever having experienced buggery// - didn't you go to boarding school? |
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//We will wrestle him, naked, in custard// (imperial "we", one presumes.) I'll hold you to that |
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Fine, but you'll have to provide the custard. |
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//Some scientists are taking this seriously// |
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[8/7], nice link. However, this is one of the scientists you
mention: |
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//Professor Robert Smith? (the question mark is part of his
surname and not a typographical mistake)// |
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//We’ll pause here to address that question mark. Smith? added it to the end of his name when he was 17, in an effort to distinguish himself from the countless Robert Smiths in the world.// |
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From somewhere else. I wonder if "Smith?" has an inflection? What [theleopard] said. |
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//Some scientists are taking this seriously.//
They are?
//We model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies//
Yeah, riiiiiight. |
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