h a l f b a k e r y
Not so much a thought experiment as a single neuron misfire.
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Many cultures have, before being properly organised by
used techniques to mould and shape children's heads.
Egyptians, for example, would bind their babies' heads in
boards to achieve that elongated, pointy-crown look.
Mentanaman tribes bound the heads of
with cords to
produce a strange bulb-headed look, and so forth.
Moreovermore, victims of severe facial burns sometimes
transparent plastic masks to help shape and contour the
On a not completely disrelated note, there was recently
a fad for
growing aubergines in moulds designed to replicate the
All of this, of course, leads unevitably toward MaxCo's
latest product -
the Vac-U-Baby Facial Contouring Kit.
Simply select from our wide-ranging catalogue of famous
for those more adventurous parents, our Picasso range),
current age of your baby, make your payment (we insist
formalities), and await the postman's knock.
You will receive:
One whisper-silent vacuum pump (with mains adaptor
One waist-belt for above
Two metres of gutta-percha tubing
One 6kg tub of sealing grease
A full set of Vac-U-Baby masks, lovingly crafted in the
allergenic transparent polycarbonate.
Each mask is stamped with the age range during which it
used. As long as the masks are worn and the vacuum
between 18 and 20 hours per day, and changed when the
developmental stages are reached, we _guarantee_ that
you will be
delighted with the finished result as soon as the child
reaches his, or
her, sixteenth birthday.
Your genes gave you a dream of a baby - let Vac-U-Baby
give it the
face of your dreams.
Teenager skin oil collection system
[not_morrison_rm, Jul 16 2014]
||What could possibly go wrong ... ?* [+]
||*Well, parents might purchase the Wesley Crusher option, but that
would be sick, peverted and wrong.
||Well, embossing the age range and the Vac-U-Baby
logo on the _inside_ was a mistake, but there are
bound to be teething troubles.
||Not to mention the teething troubles.
||//embossing ... the Vac-U-Baby logo on the _inside_ was a mistake //
||Yes, it was. How many times did we tell you ? It's the INSIDE, so it has
to be embossed as a NEGATIVE. All those kids with ybaB-U-caV on
their foreheads ... sheesh.
||Just think back. Remember Sturton's Patent Self-Acting Giraffe-Press
? What did we tell him ? "You're going to need a mold-release agent,
don't put the die pressure up too high, don't use a serif font, and above
all, DNUOR YAW THGIR EHT TXET EHT TEG UOY ERUS EKAM.
||And did he listen ? No. As usual. And then you had to sell off all those
misprinted giraffes at cost. It was lucky that the buyer from Tescos
was passing tht day, or you might have made a loss on the whole
||He sold them queer* giraffe?
||*as in looking a bit weird as badly printed.
||If he keeps making that face it's going to stay that way.
||Er, would these vacuum masks have some method of feeding and/or breathing?
||Has any thought been given:
to the exterior presentation of the masks? For example, existing faces might be popular: Jocelyn Wildenstein; Max Wall; Thora Hird. These could create a nice frisson when, on the sweet sixteenth, the Wildenstein mask - long accepted by friends and family as the customary face of the bairn - is removed to reveal that little Eric is, in fact the living spit of a young Nigel Havers. Equally, themed masks might be a go-er: Voorhees, Lecktor, Vader; or
to partial or mix and match face-masks , to allow your wean to have a mandibular zone of Jimmy Connors, the temples of Zeppo Marx and the forhead of a young Aled Jones - truly the perfect fizzog.
||Also, we need to think about how the mask deals with the inevitably extruded sebaceous material. Perhaps it could be fed into a chin mounted cylinder through which is strung a wick. When the cylinder is full, unscrew the cylinder base and out slides a very personal candle.
||//deals with the inevitably extruded sebaceous material.
||Kentucky Fried Movie, using pipes to remove oil off teenagers' skin to put in cars. Linky.
||//some method of feeding and/or breathing?//
||Of course - we're not fools at MaxCo, you know. The
mask seals around the gumline, leaving the mouth
open in case the infant wishes to breathe or eat.
||//the exterior presentation of the masks// At the
moment, most of the exterior surface has been sold
as advertising space. However, if there's sufficient
demand for alternatives...