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Vac-U-Baby Face Former

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Many cultures have, before being properly organised by the English, used techniques to mould and shape children's heads. Some Egyptians, for example, would bind their babies' heads in wooden boards to achieve that elongated, pointy-crown look. The Mentanaman tribes bound the heads of some children with cords to produce a strange bulb-headed look, and so forth.

Moreovermore, victims of severe facial burns sometimes wear transparent plastic masks to help shape and contour the grafted skin.

On a not completely disrelated note, there was recently a fad for growing aubergines in moulds designed to replicate the features of celebrities.

All of this, of course, leads unevitably toward MaxCo's latest product - the Vac-U-Baby Facial Contouring Kit.

Simply select from our wide-ranging catalogue of famous faces (or, for those more adventurous parents, our Picasso range), state the current age of your baby, make your payment (we insist on these formalities), and await the postman's knock.

You will receive:
One whisper-silent vacuum pump (with mains adaptor and charger)
One waist-belt for above
Two metres of gutta-percha tubing
One 6kg tub of sealing grease
and...
A full set of Vac-U-Baby masks, lovingly crafted in the finest non- allergenic transparent polycarbonate.

Each mask is stamped with the age range during which it should be used. As long as the masks are worn and the vacuum applied for between 18 and 20 hours per day, and changed when the appropriate developmental stages are reached, we _guarantee_ that you will be delighted with the finished result as soon as the child reaches his, or her, sixteenth birthday.

Your genes gave you a dream of a baby - let Vac-U-Baby give it the face of your dreams.

MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 15 2014

Teenager skin oil collection system https://www.youtube...watch?v=vWF_eQhNyMQ
[not_morrison_rm, Jul 16 2014]

[link]






       What could possibly go wrong ... ?* [+]   

       *Well, parents might purchase the Wesley Crusher option, but that would be sick, peverted and wrong.
8th of 7, Jul 15 2014
  

       Well, embossing the age range and the Vac-U-Baby logo on the _inside_ was a mistake, but there are bound to be teething troubles.   

       Not to mention the teething troubles.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 15 2014
  

       //embossing ... the Vac-U-Baby logo on the _inside_ was a mistake //   

       Yes, it was. How many times did we tell you ? It's the INSIDE, so it has to be embossed as a NEGATIVE. All those kids with ybaB-U-caV on their foreheads ... sheesh.   

       Just think back. Remember Sturton's Patent Self-Acting Giraffe-Press ? What did we tell him ? "You're going to need a mold-release agent, don't put the die pressure up too high, don't use a serif font, and above all, DNUOR YAW THGIR EHT TXET EHT TEG UOY ERUS EKAM.   

       And did he listen ? No. As usual. And then you had to sell off all those misprinted giraffes at cost. It was lucky that the buyer from Tescos was passing tht day, or you might have made a loss on the whole deal.
8th of 7, Jul 15 2014
  

       He sold them queer* giraffe?   

       *as in looking a bit weird as badly printed.
not_morrison_rm, Jul 15 2014
  

       If he keeps making that face it's going to stay that way.   

       This product sucks. [+]
AusCan531, Jul 16 2014
  

       Er, would these vacuum masks have some method of feeding and/or breathing?
RayfordSteele, Jul 16 2014
  

       Has any thought been given:
to the exterior presentation of the masks? For example, existing faces might be popular: Jocelyn Wildenstein; Max Wall; Thora Hird. These could create a nice frisson when, on the sweet sixteenth, the Wildenstein mask - long accepted by friends and family as the customary face of the bairn - is removed to reveal that little Eric is, in fact the living spit of a young Nigel Havers. Equally, themed masks might be a go-er: Voorhees, Lecktor, Vader; or
to partial or mix and match face-masks , to allow your wean to have a mandibular zone of Jimmy Connors, the temples of Zeppo Marx and the forhead of a young Aled Jones - truly the perfect fizzog.
calum, Jul 16 2014
  

       Also, we need to think about how the mask deals with the inevitably extruded sebaceous material. Perhaps it could be fed into a chin mounted cylinder through which is strung a wick. When the cylinder is full, unscrew the cylinder base and out slides a very personal candle.
calum, Jul 16 2014
  

       //deals with the inevitably extruded sebaceous material.   

       Kentucky Fried Movie, using pipes to remove oil off teenagers' skin to put in cars. Linky.
not_morrison_rm, Jul 16 2014
  

       //some method of feeding and/or breathing?//   

       Of course - we're not fools at MaxCo, you know. The mask seals around the gumline, leaving the mouth open in case the infant wishes to breathe or eat.   

       //the exterior presentation of the masks// At the moment, most of the exterior surface has been sold as advertising space. However, if there's sufficient demand for alternatives...
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 16 2014
  
      
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