Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Wooden records

And a wooden record player
  [vote for,

There's a lot of interest about. One of them is in returning to the previous days of buying records because they're nice and tangible and difficulter to download.

Why not go the entire pig? Why not use current knowledge to implement an old-style arrangement to produce a product that seems like it was from the old days, but due to deficiencies in knowledge back then, wasn't.

Make records out of wood. Big wood, too. Or at least, big records. Plywood might be the best type of tree to use, due to the inherent spatial stability and the natural resins that are added in. Laser etched grooves will allow audio to be encoded into a spiral. The laser etching would probably consist of a pair of antiphase lasers that can cut a v-channel, and where they converge, the phase difference nulls the power and the laser just stops and goes no further. Alternatively, use a modulated deposit of thermite to etch the groove (along with the room it is in).

As for playing such a wooden record, which might easily be about as big as a reasonably sized patch of grass in diameter, if you discount all the other grass around it that would exceed the comparable biggerity of one of these wooden records, it'd be appropriate to have a wooden record player. Again, plywood to the rescue. A plywood turntable, a regulating mechanism, levers to change the speed, and a winding handle to put energy into sufficient amounts of huge rubber bands. A water reservoir, which allows a flow of current into a water amplifier that contains a pair of triode valves that work using water, could be modulated by a detected air current that is blown into the instantaneous position that a 'needle' is occupying in the record groove, if the needle were attached to a mildly compressed air source, and the output harnessed and connected up to the class-B water amplifier. The water amplifiers push-pull triode output stage finally modulates a higher throughput channel of the mildly compressed air source to act as a directly mechanically controlled speaker horn.

Simple. Why didn't people do this back before the industrial revolution (45 revolutions per minuet).

Ian Tindale, Jan 14 2017

Wooden records http://addiator.blo...-of-parliament.html
...The split tally of the Exchequer was in continuous use until 1826 [not_morrison_rm, Jan 14 2017]

Fluidic gramophone http://www.douglas-...phone/fluidgram.htm
Surprisingly recent [8th of 7, Jan 14 2017]

What The Fuck Do Those Knobs Do? iM1 DWGS waves https://youtu.be/6Mf6_yLhyMc
Me talking about square waves. [Ian Tindale, Jan 17 2017]


       Wooden records went out of usage in 1826 in England...link
not_morrison_rm, Jan 14 2017

       <wood related band name pun>
tatterdemalion, Jan 14 2017

       Hydraulic amplifiers probably don't have the bandwidth for audio, even using a low-viscosity medium, but air-to-air amplifiers are Baked and WKTE.
8th of 7, Jan 14 2017

       That fluidic gramophone article was interesting, thanks. Interesting that it has no volume control - so it can't be made to go up to 11.
Ian Tindale, Jan 14 2017

//Plywood might be the best type of tree//
Plywood trees?
Alvin, Jan 15 2017

       Re link "not the work of two basement eccentrics working alone."   

       Basement eccentrics working alone not good enough for you?
not_morrison_rm, Jan 15 2017

       I'd recommend MDF.   

       Incidentally, the working fluid in the fluidic gramphone appears to be air, rather than water.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 15 2017

       MDF has poor moisture resistance - if it gets wet it'll swell and buckle.
Ian Tindale, Jan 15 2017

       // MDF has poor moisture resistance //   

       Perhaps you could seal it, with a protective PVC coating.
mitxela, Jan 15 2017

       //MDF has poor moisture resistance// You can get waterproof MDF.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 15 2017

       By which time you might as well just get exterior ply / marine ply.
Ian Tindale, Jan 15 2017

       No - plywood will have all kinds of grain issues. MDF is a lot more isotropic.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 15 2017

       Real audiophiles will look with disdain on wood (too many resonant frequencies) and insist on their records being hewn from Cornish granite.
hippo, Jan 16 2017

       In the analysis of that fluidic gramophone patent (see link) there's a lovely sentence, which could be said about so many Halfbakery ideas: "The simplicity is more apparent than real."
hippo, Jan 16 2017

       Yes, I paused and liked that, too.
Ian Tindale, Jan 16 2017

       // plywood will have all kinds of grain issues //   

       What, plywood has gluten intolerance ? Who knew, eh ?
8th of 7, Jan 16 2017

       Personally, I wooden make stupid puns, [8th].
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 16 2017

       Just trying to branch out ...
8th of 7, Jan 16 2017

       Don't. I'll be watching. In fact I'll beech ecking regularly and keeping a log. Timber Ners-Lee didn't invent the internet for flaccid puns.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 16 2017

       //Fluidic gramophone//   

       One option for the wooden gramophone is to by-pass any other kind of medium and just use wood to create the sound.   

       You may well know that any regular waveform can be made by summing sinewaves of different frequencies and amplitudes, well the same can be done for any wave. In fact, CD or mp3 are in effect just the summation of squarewaves.   

       For our wooden version, imagine a cog with a spring loaded ratchet. Every time it passes a tooth, the ratchet emits a loud 'clunk'. This will be a kind of impulse wave, not a square wave, but a loud impulse with some ringing. Ok, we can measure that as wave #1.   

       Now add cogs and ratchets (maybe another 15) with different ring frequency, and measure their impulse waves. It's now possible to calculate tooth positions on all cogs to yield a music track.   

       With teeth only 5 mm wide, the diameter of a cylinder need only be - 0.008 * 22000 * 180 / PI = 10,000 metres.
bigsleep, Jan 17 2017

       Summation of squarewaves? Or rather, integration of square (pulse) waves (and their positions). If one were interested in synthesis of other waveshapes using purely square waves, look into Walsh functions. I've recently done a video where I describe a simplified approach to this in a related topic, without going quite so far as to actually mention Walsh functions.
Ian Tindale, Jan 17 2017

       You can do it with *any* set of waves. At any point in time in a track you can correlate (mathematical function) one of your waves with the soundtrack. The value that pops out is the amplitude of the test wave that needs subtracting from the soundtrack. Nett. result - less energy in music track. Simply repeat for all waves and all points in time.   

       Thus just a 'thunk' sound (a really messy impulse) of different octaves can be used to fully build up the sound of some original track.
bigsleep, Jan 17 2017

       Ooh, that brings back memories! My 3rd-year undergraduate project used Walsh functions.
hippo, Jan 17 2017

       //My 3rd-year undergraduate project used Walsh functions.// Surely the only ones are slate-mining and sheep-shagging?   

       //just a 'thunk' sound (a really messy impulse) of different octaves can be used to fully build up the sound of some original track.// This fact alone explains most of the 1980's.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 19 2017

       //and insist on their records being hewn from Cornish granite//   

       I like granite. You know where you are with granite. Unlike CDs, I remember the promises of how tough they were supposed to be... no more skipping from a tiny scratch... snap it in half and it will still play. Lies. Granite is a bit fragile if dropped however, unless you make it so thick that your floor becomes a bit fragile when dropped. I see no reason why we can't replace vinyl with laser etched stainless steel discs. Even better, do some of that chemical vapor deposition stuff and coat it with tungsten carbide. There are few promises that carbide coated steel doesn't live up to, better still all music would be heavy metal.
bs0u0155, Jan 19 2017

       //Surely the only ones are slate-mining and sheep- shagging?// How did you know what my 3rd-year undergraduate project was?
hippo, Jan 20 2017

       The video is one of Sturton's favourites.
8th of 7, Jan 20 2017

       Scandinavians sometimes get arts grants to do new things with wood. i saw an image of a laminated laser cut bus shelter.   

       i think on a more turntable sized wooden record that lasers might be up to it.
beanangel, Jan 20 2017

       // a laminated laser cut bus //   

       Laser cut panels and other components for commercial vehicle manufacture are Baked and WKTE - no innovation there. And in the Scandinavian climate, sheltering buses from weather makes perfect sense.
8th of 7, Jan 20 2017


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