Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Zombie counterbalance

Zombiey.
  (+6)
(+6)
  [vote for,
against]

It's generally known that zombies walk with their arms outstretched.

This is unfortunate for the zombie, since it makes him (or her) conspicuous, and is also perceived as a threat by passers-by, as if the zombie were reaching out for them. A zombie with his (or her) arms by his (or her) side, in contrast, is just another friend waiting to be met*.

However, it is pretty clear that zombies have balance issues, and that the arm-extension is basically to stop them falling over backwards. It's not their fault.

Zombie gait woes begone!

Maxco. is pleased to announce its range of zombie counterbalance weight belts and drinks trays.

Should you opt, post-mortem, for one of our discreet weighted belts, even your nearest and dearest will not realize you are a zombie. The lightweight carbon-fibre rear of the belt is seamlessly joined to a lead-rich front half and a heavy tungsten buckle. Arms-by-your-side walking has never been easier!

For the female zombie in your life, whose post-mortem wardrobe may not suit a belt, we proudly offer the Depleted Uranium Drinks Tray, complete with a realistic filled martini glass crafted from the finest polykarbonate and krystal-klear silikone rubber. When held in the normal way with a single hand, the DUDT provides that reassuring counterbalance which you can normally get only from that awkward and embarrassing both-arms-out gait. Be the postest hostess with the mostest!

Be the first of the undead in your apocalypse to try these - buy now while shops last!

(*obviously, a zombie with someone else's arms by his, or her, side is more of a problem.)

MaxwellBuchanan, May 30 2011

What is a zombie? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zombie
Hungry for brains? Balance is in the inner ear. [popbottle, Feb 27 2014]

[link]






       /deleted uranium drinks trays/ I am in favor of this, if nothing else; I see that Maxco has deleted the p from the uranium drinks trays. That was what I liked least in my drinks.
bungston, May 30 2011
  

       *ahem*
MaxwellBuchanan, May 30 2011
  

       now here the idea is all edited and proper. what a waste of my rapier wit.   

       "hey Z, is that a lead-rich front half or are you just happy to see me?"
bungston, May 30 2011
  

       My coagulations to Maxco for serving this tiny but not at all misunderstood demographic! I'm sure the casualty rate among the brains in your testing laboratory is more than offset by the miniscule return you dare hope to achieve!   

       I proudly bun [+].
Grogster, May 30 2011
  

       //buy now while shops last// [+]
mouseposture, May 30 2011
  

       light-duty zombie forklifts... you just have to teach them to bend at the knees.
FlyingToaster, May 30 2011
  
      
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