Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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chess conkers

chess played in the style of conkers. a seasonal game only
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what is a conker? a conker is the seed of the horse chestnut tree it is a hard brown nut which is found in a prickly casing. they fall from the tree when they are ripe during the autumn months. children have traditionally tied them up with lengths of string and then two players take turns to bash the living daylights out of each other's conker.

chess conkers is the name given to a variation of chess using the time honoured tradition of conkers. the primary objective in chess is to checkmate your opponent's king. the primary objective in chess conkers is to bash it into little pieces.

if you touch a piece intentionally during a formal chess tournament game, and it can be legally moved, then you must move it. in chess conkers all touching, nay bashing, (which is technical jargon in the conkers world) is intentional.

how to play chess conkers: each player has all his chess pieces hanging on strings. players take turns at hitting their opponent's piece: starting with the pawns and working up through the ranks.

there are hard and fast rules about the hitting process. If you are the one whose chess conker is to be hit first, let it hang down from the string which is wrapped round your hand. The chess conker is held at the height your opponent chooses and is held perfectly still.

your opponent, the striker, wraps his chess conker string round his hand just like yours. he then takes his chess conker in the other hand and draws it back for the strike. releasing the chess conker he swings it down by the string held in the other hand and tries to hit your chess conker with it.

if he misses he is allowed up to two further goes. if the strings tangle, the first player to call "strings" or "deep blue" gets an extra shot.

if a player drops his chess conker, or it is knocked out of his hand the other player can shout 'stamps' and jump on it; but should its owner first cry 'garry kasparov' then the chess conker, in friendly matches anyway, remains stamp-free.

The end game is the final round when the chess conker kings do battle. The winner is of course the player with a surviving king piece. the preliminary rounds, are of course, just for the heck of it.

po, Oct 13 2002

Conker Championships http://www.bugeurop...stivals/oct008.html
[po, Oct 13 2002, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Conker's Bad Fur Day http://www.rarextre...estscreenshots.html
Hell of a lot more fun than Chess... [Mr Burns, Oct 14 2002]

Conkers World Champion in action. http://fxtc.net/GI60_MoCo.jpg
This is conkers! [DrBob, Oct 15 2002, last modified Oct 05 2004]

[link]






       yay!
kaz, Oct 13 2002
  

       In principle, I'm definitely in favour of this, po, but I need some clarifications please. What are the chess conkers made of please? Are they just ordinary conkers shaped like chess pieces or made of something that is more satisfying to destroy (e.g. Diamond Jubilee souvenir tea cups)? Are you allowed to soak your pieces in vinegar or bake them in the oven? And what penalties arise if your opponent deliberately whacks you on the hand instead of aiming for your chess conker?
DrBob, Oct 14 2002
  

       I visualise them being made from something that gives a very satisfying glass-smashing sound effect. all cheating is encouraged and especially physical violence. anything goes except foul language.
po, Oct 14 2002
  

       No foul language!! Well youve never played conkers in Manchester. Have you ever heard the phrase. "youve smashed my fucking conker you twat know I'm gonn cave your fucking skull in!" Well if no foul language is a rule then I've won nearly all my games by default. Correction all my games!!
big_boy_gun_bell, Oct 14 2002
  

       wash your mouth out,[bbgb]. chess conkers is a more cerebral and classy game altogether
po, Oct 14 2002
  

       // something that is more satisfying to destroy (e.g. Diamond Jubilee souvenir tea cups)? //   

       Unsuitable - these items are reserved for airgun target practice, along with anything frangible labelled "A Souvenir from <Insert name of resort here>".
8th of 7, Oct 14 2002
  

       I was expecting trash talking squirrels with British accents... [link]
Mr Burns, Oct 14 2002
  

       I'm sure there's a joke about 'Chess nuts' wanting to be made here somewhere.
-alx, Oct 15 2002
  
      
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