h a l f b a k e r yExpensive, difficult, slightly dangerous, not particularly effective... I'm on a roll.
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my new remote thingy has buttons for: power, drive select, AV (!?), channel up and down and sideways, volume, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0, prog check, manual skip, input select, delete, reste, skip/index, slow/search, stop, pause, play, status, exit, GUIDE, direct navigator, function menu, option, return, create
chapter, REC, REcmode, ext link, direxct TV rec, TEXT, STTL, display, timeslip, jet rew - most of which do apparently nothing.
I suggest one more button "help" - on-screen directions that tell you where you are going wrong.
Handy PDF version of MaxwellBuchanan's annotation
http://www.panix.co...ta/hb/po-remote.pdf
Well, of most of it, anyway. [jutta, Jan 10 2010]
[link]
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your purpose then is to deny the manufacturers what little pleasure they get in annoying customers? hmmph... [+] but I'm sure baked in some models. |
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Why have on screen direction when it could be used to notify the local crack team of SAS/nerdy tech help?
<Cue helicopter, parasailing ninja, etc. etc.> |
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oh "crack" threw me for a minute - yeah, they could sail through a window anytime they like! |
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Drive select: park, neutral, forward, reverse. |
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AV: alternative video. Plays a Brazilian documentary
about disability allowance. |
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Channel up and down: makes the channel go up and down. |
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Sideways: moves the TV to left or right to facilitate
hoovering. |
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Volume: the overall size of the TV set; similar to
"inflate/deflate". |
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1-10: calculator function. |
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Prog check: transfers money to the account of the man
who programmed the remote (American spelling) |
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Manual Skip: allows the mains lead to be used for on-the-
spot exercise. |
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Input select: jumps to the Food channel. |
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Delete: deletes the remote control. |
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Reste: this is clearly a European/US hybrid remote. Close
your eyes and lie back whilst holding this button. |
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Skip/index: online list of excercises (see "manual skip") |
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Slow/search: makes the TV run slower while you look for
the remote to change channel, so you don't miss too
much. |
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Pause: similar to "reste", but shorter. |
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Play: converts the TV to an Aibo |
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Status: displays a message saying "48 inch flatscreen" |
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Exit: allows you to leave the room |
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GUIDE: *this* is the button you want. It summons a young
girl guide who will know instinctively how to use the
remote. May not function in all areas. |
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Direct navigator: as opposed to the indirect navigator. |
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function menu: pauses the programme for you to go to
the loo (user-selectable time delay, depending on
function expected). |
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Option: this button is optional. |
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Return: self explanatory; only applies if you have kept the
receipt for the remote. |
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Create chapter: allows you to form a small local group of
sheep worshippers. |
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REcmode: reconsider your mode |
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Ext link: this basically exts your link. You should do this
every 2-3 weeks to clear the buildup of electrons in the
aerial. |
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Direxct link: as above, but more thorough. |
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TEXT: stands for Transmitter Enhanced External Tone. |
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STTL: settle. Leaves the TV on the Nature channel,
reduces the volume, turns down the treble and makes you
a cup of tea. |
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Display: activates the "screen" - the large glassy area on
the front of the set, which can supplement audio
programs. |
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Timeslip: Measures the duration of a slip. |
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Jet Rew: must be used the first time the set is turned on,
to prevent a dangerous buildup of protons in the
capacitative discharge circuit. |
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//Sideways: moves the TV to left or right to facilitate hoovering//
Is it just me? or is there lots of posts-in-waiting in the annos today |
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[MB] Truly inspired. You get at least 50 Cosmic Brownie
Points for that anno. Would you rather have them as good
karma, or as years deducted from your time in purgatory? |
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//good karma, or as years deducted // |
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I think we should be allowed to bun annos. |
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Instead of pressing F1,press "S""O""S" |
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I'm at the medical library at the local university hospital. Dropped by this while taking a break, and... well, I was trying to be quiet. Staff thought I was having a seizure, and since there were about 8 doctors in the house, I just got Triaged. |
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I thought maybe this was a proposition to help the button. Because the button labors silently for hour upon thankless hour, the only help a Frito-greased thumb on the bum and a failing battery. The button could use help. |
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hey, where's the 30 min sleep function? |
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[marked-for-post] MB's intermittently insane and mostly false instruction guides for common household items. |
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what's a marked for post? |
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oh god, MB's gonna do a speech... |
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My lords, ladies and gentlemen, esteemed fellow halfbakers,
[P]o, members of the League of Improbable Persons,
representatives of the press, caterers, lighting managers,
cameramen, sound technicians, ostlers, ostlees and of
course the honourable Jutta....and now I see my time is up. |
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Wow. And I liked the idea too, [po] |
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Presumably, if we fancy [MB]'s anno sufficiently, we could prevail upon him to stick it on his profile page. |
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Or tie him up and force him to eat worms and
salamanders, until he does. |
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that's sad. no bloody terrible... |
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I wish MB had come up with this - I'd give him a bun. |
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Awwww gosh. No, wait, I said that before. |
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I did. It was in response to another piece of undesevered
flattery. |
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Awww, Jutta. I'm 40-something years old, and this is the first
time I've ever been illustrated. |
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(Oh, and the fact that I'm 40something is just between you
and me.) |
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MB & Jutta: A new Classic, to be added to my "Swing: what the customer wanted collection" |
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Excellent work, [MB]
The cheap implementation of this
would be a button which popped up a message on the screen
saying "What you just did was wrong" |
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Now I want to be confused and unable to change my
channels so I can get jutta to...oh wait...nevermind
;-) |
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