Product: Restraint
pre-girded loins   (+2, -1)  [vote for, against]
A modern convenience

Drawing upon an old Victorian idea, found next to a flenting wax illustration and now updated for the 21st Century, pre-girded loins, available for the NRM factory (somewhere in China) saves all that scrubbing and now available with machine washable lining. You know it makes sense.

Coming to a home shopping channel near you..repeatedly.
-- not_morrison_rm, Mar 25 2012

http://en.wikipedia..._Federal_Parliament [not_morrison_rm, Mar 25 2012]

http://en.wikipedia.../Walloon_Parliament [not_morrison_rm, Mar 25 2012]

Gird (etymology of) http://www.etymonli...&allowed_in_frame=0
[DrBob, Mar 26 2012]

upgraded Reliant Robin... http://www.youtube....watch?v=FKxD7cwCXB0
[not_morrison_rm, Apr 02 2012]

Umm... isn't that one of the things got flenting banned from French society back in the mid 18th? and caused Belgium to eventually start taxing the livin'hell out of any imports that could conceivably be used as flenting wax.

The phrase "Belgian waffles"(orig."Belgium waffles") had nothing to do with confection... or at least not "confection" in the normal sense.
-- FlyingToaster, Mar 25 2012


with three separate parliaments, there is bound to be more waffling...
-- not_morrison_rm, Mar 25 2012


Well that was it wun'nit: they couldn't outright ban it since the sordid practice (which gave old Haversham nightmares as well it should) was all the rage with the aristocracy; best they could do was to tax it out of the reach of the common man.

Historically Belgium suffered rather greatly on the diplomatic front during that time period; ceding vast tracts of land in the North Africas to basically whoever wanted it, and it was then that Luxembourg broke away, establishing itself as a "wax free" haven.

But at least there were no more fatal wardrobe incidents suffered by hansom drivers, ships' helmsmen and maitre d's.
-- FlyingToaster, Mar 25 2012


//ceding vast tracts of land in the North Africas to basically whoever wanted it//

Except the indigenous population, of course.

But I digress.

pre-girded loins now available in matching his and hers, and a choice of polyester, lurex or teak. But one, get two free..

Unsolicited testimonials available.
-- not_morrison_rm, Mar 25 2012


\\great huge tracts of land in the North Africas\\ Somewhat ... ahhh... *light* land, as Lord Salisbury put it. Dry wit, that.

Anyway, until 1908, even the Belgians didn't claim that the Belgian Congo belonged to Belgium -- it was claimed as personal property by one man.
-- mouseposture, Mar 25 2012


Gentlemen and gentlewomen, I have no idea what the French or (for goodness' sake) the Belgians do with flenting wax, and frankly I'm quite sure I don't want to. All I can say is that Boffo would not be at all pleased with the direction this discussion is heading in.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 25 2012


Well, you would say that wouldn't you, considering the interest you have in Rentisham stock. Meanwhile historians are reasonably sure it was Boffo who introduced flenting to the French. Sadly the translator was a bit dyslexic.

//Anyway, until 1908, even the Belgians didn't claim that the Belgian Congo belonged to Belgium -- it was claimed as personal property by one man.//

That would be Fred Belgian. He never even went there; he just bribed the map printers.
-- FlyingToaster, Mar 25 2012


It was my understanding that F. Beauregard Belgian intended to use his ill-gotten Congo property to start a Waffle Cow plantation and thus corner the very lucrative textured rawhide market, but that the entire venture collapsed when the African climate proved inconducive to methane dirigibles.
-- Alterother, Mar 25 2012


//historians are reasonably sure it was Boffo who introduced flenting to the French.//

I have just returned from a meeting with the archivist at Rentishams. He was not happy to be awoken at this hour.

Not only did he reassure me that Guy was no friend of the garlic-eater, but he also showed me a transcript of his conversation with Armand Fallières, following the Incident (need I say more?) of October 1908.

It reads, in clear sepia-and-white: "Le jour quand nous exporterons le wax de flenting au france, mon petit grenool, is le jour quand mes testicles sera utilizee pour les balles de ping-pong par Florence Rosignol. Je vous souhait bonjour, monsieur."

I trust, therefore, that we can lay this scurrilous rumour to rest once and for all.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 25 2012


//this scurrilous rumour// A straw man: no one believes that story any more. The rumor everyone credits is the one about Lord Raglan and the regimental goat.
-- mouseposture, Mar 25 2012


According to the only publicly available historical records I was able to steal, the French have _never_ flented.

The only documented flentological activity ever to take place on French soil was carried out as a desperate measure of survival by Bolshevik revolutionaries marching to Petrograd under the leadership of Aleksandr Krymov. After losing their way in a sudden blizzard on August 21st, 1971, the column was forced to winter in a machine shop behind the third-best brothel in Agincourt, where the only sustenance to be had was a small can of Rentisham's Grade B and a complete collection of Pravda back- issues. For three grueling days they sang moody Russian love ballads to keep morale low and passed the dented tub of precious wax from hand to frostbitten hand. On the morning of the fourth day, Krymov discovered an outdated map that the french machinists had folded and stuffed under the base of a four-dimensionial extruder to keep the ancient machine from wobbling. With renewed vigor and mildly irritated bowels, the revolutionaries resumed their bitter march.
-- Alterother, Mar 25 2012


//a small can of Rentisham's Grade B// Thank goodness nobody had tried to use it. "Rentisham's Grade B" was actually produced by the innocuously named "Ministry of Various Affairs" as an all- purpose blasting gel for use by PoWs.

Guy ("Boffo") Rentisham was the only person at Rentisham's to know of this, and he set up a complete production line for "Grade B" to sustain the ruse. Of course, every tin of Grade B that left the factory was delivered to the Ministry outpost in Runswick, where it was emptied and re-filled with explosive before being packed into Red Cross parcels and distributed to the PoW camps.

The only flaw in the plan was that nobody thought to tell the PoWs that their "Rentisham's Grade B" would, in reality, flent stuff from here to eternity. Ironically, Boffo's brother lost an elbow as a result, though he never held this against Boffo.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 25 2012


//brother lost an elbow as a result, though he never held this against Boffo.//

Well, of course he couldn't hold it against him, he'd lost it. I am, of course, going to regret this enormously, but do you mean to say that he just lost the elbow and not any other part of the arm?
-- not_morrison_rm, Mar 25 2012


The other twelve pieces of his arm were quickly located. They were tastefully mounted in a felt-lined display case and kept at Rentisham Manor until May of 1719, whereupon they were moved to an undisclosed location to prevent capture by Zee Germanz.
-- Alterother, Mar 25 2012


Part of the confusion may be due to the existence of the French false cognate "flenter", which of course has nothing to do with "flenting" in the English sense (the English verb coming from the Middle High German "flentzen", "to perform (an activity)", and the French verb being derived from the Latin "flentere", "to surrender in a cowardly or shameful fashion; to collaborate").
-- ytk, Mar 26 2012


//until May of 1719//

I think you have the wrong century there... Are you sure you're not thinking of Geoffrick Rentisqueshamme? He was an early pioneer of waterwheel-driven bread-kneading equipment and, in later life, developed the hands-free bassoon.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 26 2012


I think you'll find that most loins are girded these days.

Pre-girded lions on the other hand...
-- DrBob, Mar 26 2012


//Pre-girded lions on the other hand...//

I read that as pre-girdled lions the first time...
-- not_morrison_rm, Mar 26 2012


Quite, Dr Bob - I, very much like the next man prefer my loins as God intended them, and should, on the occasion it be appropriate to gird them, then I quite prefer to gird them in the privacy of my own home. That I might so inherit the loins of someone else who might have had them girded for their own private usage is not a transaction I would enthusiastically countenance, nor one I would wish to be so connected via broker or agency. I realise the "conveniance" argument is one to be made by those of an Atlantic persuasion, but I fear such modern dalliances need not find succour nor purchase 'pon these sweet and God-fearing shores. And long may it be so.
-- zen_tom, Mar 26 2012


// I think you have the wrong century there... //

So sorry, old man, must have my dates a bit muddled. Shirley, Boffo's brother's exploding elbow was in 1179. At Jacob's Ford, wasn't it?
-- Alterother, Apr 01 2012


//At Jacob's Ford, wasn't it?//

Huh? I'm sure it was a Reliant Robin, are you sure it was a Ford?

Gratuitous Reliant Robin link..
-- not_morrison_rm, Apr 02 2012


// I, very much like the next man prefer my loins as God intended them //

Unless, [z_t] "the next man" (and we use the word 'man' advisedly) is [MB]'s recidivistic reprobate sibling Sturton, in which case we suspect you would be inclined to radically alter your views immediately.

Or possibly try hormone therapy. Or radical surgery.

Or both.
-- 8th of 7, Apr 02 2012


//Shirley, Boffo's brother's exploding elbow was in 1179. At Jacob's Ford, wasn't it?// I think we're at angry dolphins here, [Alterother].

You may be confounding three unrelated events:

1) Boffo Rentisham's brother (Stubby) losing an elbow in 1943, from one of the "special" tins of flenting wax distributed to PoWs during the latter half of WWII.

2) King Baldwin IV (known to some as "The Bouffant King"), whose elbow was shot off by a primitive cannon in 1179.

3) Jacob's Creek - a rather upstart brand of unaccountably popular wine.

As far as I'm aware, Stubby was not closely related to King B.IV, and I very much doubt that he would have drunk Jacob's Creek, mostly on account of his having been dead* for several years before the brand was created.

(*Stubby's death was not related to the loss of his elbow - an injury which he bore with good humour and equanimity to the end. He had entertained, for several decades, the notion that starlings were able to fly only as the result of a force-field capable of nullifying gravity. It was this delusion which led to his being found, with a surprised look on his face, at the base of Beachy Head, surrounded by a tethered mass of dead and dying starlings.)
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 02 2012


If only he'd used nuthatches, he might have survived the jump. But of course, Stubby had no way of knowing this, having permitted his membership in the Royal Society for Quasilogical Research (and thus, his subscription to the Society's quinquennial journal) to lapse owing to a dispute over the existence of so-called "Canadians".
-- ytk, Apr 02 2012


// a dispute over the existence of so-called "Canadians". //

That's so sad. Despite irrefutable evidence to the contrary, even today there are some who cling stubbornly to the irrational belief that there is intelligent life North of the 49th Parallel.

Admittedly some of the higher mammalian fauna of the region do appear to exhibit a semblance of intelligence; but their behaviour is demonstrably instinctive; if you put a loudspeaker on their dam and play the sound of trickling water, they will pile more branches on it in an attempt to stem the "leak". Their lodges, too, are amazingly sophisticated; but it's all instinct, like weaver birds and termites.

The conclusive proof was, of course, the discovery of large numbers of empty Molson cans, indicating that some creature or creatures were actually prepared to drink the filthy stuff; if any other evidence was needed, that was it.

The reports that "human-like" language have been heard in the area are also specious. Careful analysis of audio recordings has established that the odd noises are not a "language" at all, but a species of incomprehensible random gibberish, known as "french".
-- 8th of 7, Apr 03 2012


Yes well...

a) Empty beer cans are often used in place of twine when rummaging around in the bush, to retrace steps.

As an aside, while warm beer is available north of the 49th parallel, it's usually only served to hungover teenagers for breakfast, with cold pizza and a complementary traffic cone.

b) that's not french, it's the weakened babbling of foolhardy american tourists, caught outdoors during the vampire blackflies' midsummer romp. Don't ask, but more importantly don't go north of 50 during July without a backup flamethrower.

c) thanks for the headsup on the loudspeakers... that would explain last summer and the Borg will be receiving a bill for all the superfluous sheds.

d) almost a quarter of Rentisham's "Old Foghorn" output goes to Canada, having been distributed by the HBC since the mid 19th century... so where did Stubby think it was headed for ?
-- FlyingToaster, Apr 03 2012


Re: the alleged lack of // intelligent life North of the 49th Parallel. //

So the Borg will not refute the assertion that there is intelligent life at, say, the 45th? That's either very generous of them, or a laughably obvious oversight, given their repeated aspersions concerning the intellectual capacity of their most valued adversary, [The Alterother].

(Of course, now that I've given you that intel, I suppose I should be expecting another marker round.)
-- Alterother, Apr 03 2012



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