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Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2010

Contrary to popular demand, its back! And its front!
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I reckon that next year will see a lot of the recent sort of community fragmentation next year, I suspect. It'll be 2010 and a lot of people our age will look at the internet and say to themselves that they've been frittering away all their hitherto productive time in forums and virtual social gatherings and other group venues with absolutely nothing to show for any of it, for the past decade. People will be triggered to leave places that required membership and relied on user- generated content. The resulting abandonment landscape will mark the beginning of a new move to sweep up the redundant, aging, incorrect, broken and obsolete systems of information on the internet, as search increasingly produces low-value dead-end results that don't work. The internet will be swept clean in the following decade. By about 2030 the digital ecology movements will have well-known slogans promoting keeping the internet tidy, etc, and internet pollution will be a significant problem for the world to have to tackle. Social user-gen-content sites will have evolved account roll-back protocols that allow aggregated content to continue to make sense in a variety of states according to the dynamic of the populace of that site. Google will become preoccupied with configuration management of the entire infosphere.

Er, hang on, aren't these predictions supposed to be blatant, or at least, idiotic? Those sounded half sensible to me. Okay, I'll try harder, and keep it to just 2010 (and not introvertingly focused on the halfbakery itself):

---------------

• New USB plugs will arrive on the scene, and these ones can not only fit into existing USB socketry, but autoconfig their electrickery so that the electrons are whichever way up the plug has been inserted.

• The music 'industry' will complain that the new in- vogue ebook piracy, together with the accompanying 'news' stories of such that will appear, are diverting attention from the music 'industry's own inability to come to terms with the reality that nobody actually needs a record label or a record company these days other than to offer an advance under contract for artistic development (and a bank could fulfil that purpose if they're in the right mood).

• Eggs will be square, or at least, cubic. Saves packaging.

• The first successful crossbreeding of a paedophile and a terrorist will occur. Police immediately issue a section 44, part 2, confiscating the camera.

• Climate protesters in suits, respectable hair, with proper jobs and business affinities will become prevalent.

• Yahoo attempt to compete with twitter by reinventing their own email, removing the confusing 'body' part, and allowing people to just send the title.

Ian Tindale, Dec 08 2009

Climate Protesters in Suits: Yes Men http://theyesmen.org/chamber
Chamber of Commerce reverses its stance on climate change. Not. [jutta, Dec 08 2009]

Square or, at least, cubic eggs. http://www.notcot.c...6/10/egg_cuber.html
Yours for the making. [DrBob, Dec 09 2009]

20 10 20 10 20 10 http://www.girlguid...ntenary_finale.aspx
[po, Dec 16 2009]

Arctic conditions "consistent with global warming" http://www.timesonl.../article6975867.ece
Coming soon: mild weather "consistent with global warming" [MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 06 2010]

OK kids, open your text books to Chapter 1 - Klingon Verbs http://www.impactla...detected-by-hubble/
[Dub, Feb 04 2010]

Gimp masks http://www.gimp.org...orials/Layer_Masks/
[Voice, Oct 09 2015]

[link]






       Someone finally understands what Google Wave is all about. Then forgets it before they can get to a computer to warn the world. This'll be around September.
Ian Tindale, Dec 08 2009
  

       Shouldn't the stuff over in Bubbabomb be here?
wjt, Dec 08 2009
  

       It is. I've moved it.
Ian Tindale, Dec 08 2009
  

       Links will be discovered between wireless transmission (WiFi, 3G, LTE, WiMax, etc.) and reduced cognitive attention span and productivity in the work place.   

       Meanwhile, the Halfbakery thrives with more and more users logging on with smartphone access.   

       (I like the Yahoo! email header idea... It sounds a bit too accurate)
Jinbish, Dec 08 2009
  

       Osama Bin Laden will come out of hiding and reveal himself as the Travelocity gnome. Twitter will be used to avert an international nuclear crisis. Jerusalem will be lost to the Queen of Tuvalu during an ultra-high-stakes poker game. Sarah Palin will do something intelligent.
RayfordSteele, Dec 08 2009
  

       A new range of chocolates will be launched called "Sarah Palins". They will consist of small figurine heads wearing glasses and goofy air-head grins. When you bite into them they will crumple like empty easter eggs only these will contain a tiny peanut suspended in a sugary white goo.
xenzag, Dec 08 2009
  

       All predictions by Maxwell Buchanan will fail to be realized.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 08 2009
  

       Some doornail or the other will delete their halfbakery account in a fit of rage, only to resurface 6 months later as Sparky the Wonder Dog.
blissmiss, Dec 08 2009
  

       I don't get it. I'm not upset about anything. Is there a six month newbie trial period or something?
Sparky the Wonder Dog, Dec 09 2009
  

       'Metatarsal' will limp back into Google's top 100 searches.
shudderprose, Dec 09 2009
  

       Klingon will start to be taught in schools...
after the background noise that SETI had put down as being the remnants of The Big Bang is discovered to be the cacophony of <Carl Sagan's voice>billions upon billions</csv> of Extraterrestrial soap operas playing out...
Dub, Dec 09 2009
  

       The 'R' word will change from 'Recession' to 'Recovery'. Bankers will reward themselves for achieving recovery with even bigger sums than they received for minimising the recession. Unemployment will continue to climb.   

       Oops - forgot about the "idiotic" bit....
wagster, Dec 09 2009
  

       [MaxwellBuchanan]'s self-falsifying paradox will tear open a rift in the internet, plunging the web into an infinite portal of recursion.   

       2010 will be the year Tab Clear re enter the market, much to public rapture. Their boundless success leads to a varied product line of transparent foods, including the Clear Chicken Kiev (you can *SEE* the garlic butter!), Sea(Through) Bass (you can *SEE* the bones!) and Translucent Christmas Pudding (you can *SEE* the penny!).
theleopard, Dec 09 2009
  

       jutta will introduce the "a penny for your thoughts" business model, quickly creating a whole new breed of Internet billionnaires
theircompetitor, Dec 09 2009
  

       //jutta will introduce the "a penny for your thoughts" business model, quickly creating a whole new breed of Internet billionnaires//   

       I dunno - from what I've seen, there will be a lot of requests for refunds...
Jinbish, Dec 09 2009
  

       <aside> Why do people vote on this, either way? </aside>
theleopard, Dec 09 2009
  

       // Why do people vote on this, either way? //
I've often asked my elf this same question during our presidential elections!
xandram, Dec 09 2009
  

       // I don't get it. I'm not upset about anything. Is there a six month newbie trial period or something? //
[marked-for-tagline in the non-existant Lame Tagline list]
xandram, Dec 09 2009
  

       [wagster] will get his memory back.
xandram, Dec 09 2009
  

       In 2010 the standard model of Idea - Invent - Produce - Sell - Use - Bin will be reduced to it's most basic principles: Idea - Bin.
The_Saint, Dec 09 2009
  

       Damn dog, that was fast. (I had to say that cause I always wanted to say something out loud like Randy Jackson, but could think of no real need. Today, I got my wish.) So twice...Damn dog, that was fast.
blissmiss, Dec 09 2009
  

       The National Enquirer will report that Michael Jackson is working in a fast-food restaurant in rural Kentucky.   

       This will turn out to be correct.
8th of 7, Dec 09 2009
  

       The World Bank announce that they have crunched the numbers several times and have concluded that there is actually no such thing as money. Subsequent investigations find that all economies are based on the economic behaviour of the most rational person. All efforts to locate such a person in the United States fail.
rcarty, Dec 09 2009
  

       The World Bank will help to establish The Mars First Planetary Bank, and immediately borrow 25 trillion pounds from it on favourable terms, thereby solving the economic crisis at a stroke.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 09 2009
  

       Grains of sand will become legal tender, but only the ones which have been inscribed with all of the usual details displayed on the average bank note.
xenzag, Dec 09 2009
  

       CERN will announce that they were "this close" to discovering the God Particle, but an infestation of parasitic fresh water mussels disabled the cooling system.
theircompetitor, Dec 09 2009
  

       The moon is found to have ricocheted off of the Earth in the distant past and contains life at its core.   

       Turning lead into gold is found to be a simple process. This bankrupts world economies and society is forced to adopt a strict barter system.   

       Alien transmissions are detected. When humans attempt contact, the transmissions abruptly cease and are replaced by a repeating no solicitation message.   

       A small child using a handheld calculator will point out a mistake in the formulae used by the designers of the Large Hadron Collider. The corrected results will confirm that a series of microscopic black holes generated by the LHC will begin to merge at exactly 6:05:04 October 30, 2010, GMT. The entire solar system will be swallowed up within 42 seconds.   

       Just before Oz goes dark UB will be heard to say "I told you so..."
Canuck, Dec 10 2009
  

       [Ian] will post "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2011"

A cheap, efficient, easy-to-manufacture solar cell will be developed along with massive advances in the storage of electrical energy. The economies of countries with lots of sunlight boom. Electricity tankers replace oil tankers and travel the world with their vast batteries. Sub-Saharan Africa becomes the new Middle East.
hippo, Dec 10 2009
  

       The world's oil and coal reserves plunge hastily towards depletion, forcing the global economy to focus on tidal and wind power. After billions of pounds are pumped into financing these projects, the entire planet switches over to "renewable energy".   

       By 2020, the Earth's wind will be used up – the ensuing energy crisis leads to human-powered power stations. These stations do not have exercise bikes in them. These stations contain furnaces.   

       In the year 2051, the last living human on the planet, distraught that his cheese-toasty maker isn't warming up, hurls himself into the furnace for that last drop of power. In his absence, the toasty burns.
theleopard, Dec 10 2009
  

       After economic analysis confirms the increase in sales of Tiger Woods endorsed products, there is a rush by celebrities of all kinds to disclose all indiscretions. The year ends with a newly Republican Congress ratifying rights for polyamory relationships.   

       On the heels of their research showing that 30% of ATT users use 70% of its databandwidth, statisticians prove that the 30% that keeps complaining about global warming is using 70% of available energy, mostly by using Tweeter.
theircompetitor, Dec 10 2009
  

       Somebody will create a public account with a public password called 'tagline,' whose existence will then become a source of consernation and heated debate amongst the moderators and site owner.
RayfordSteele, Dec 10 2009
  

       England will experience a warm summer. This will be attributed to global warming.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 10 2009
  

       England will experience a cold winter. This will be attributed to global warming.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 10 2009
  

       Raising anxieties attributable to moral panics created in the global mass media and local weather channels surrounding climate change will generate hostile tensions between nations of disparate energy consumption and greenhouse gas emissions, changing the discourse from one of international collaboration and co-operation to coercion and control. This escalation will come to be termed Global Warm Mongering.
rcarty, Dec 10 2009
  

       Western economies will collapse beyond any hope of recovery when China ditches it's vast supply of US dollars and buys up the world's entire supply of carbon trading credits instead.
DrBob, Dec 11 2009
  

       President Obama will receive the Nobel Prize in Physics having proven that vacuum is in fact not empty.
theircompetitor, Dec 11 2009
  

       //having proven that vacuum is in fact not empty//   

       ...after having promised to prove that vacuum is in fact not empty.
shudderprose, Dec 11 2009
  

       That's why it wasn't picking anything up off the carpet.
Ian Tindale, Dec 13 2009
  

       [hippo] will anno: [Ian] will post "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2012".   

       and I will anno about that prediction and the prediction that I will anno about it and the fact that I will be doing it at that very moment.
daseva, Dec 13 2009
  

       <self pity> I will meet and fall in love with yet another merciless, soul-devouring succubus, get deployed to combat and return only to be left by my estranged lover under the mantra "you've changed, you've changed". I will bury my pain in glasses of high-end scotch and while away the boredom by launching into a pre-emptive flame-war with [21quest]. <sp/>
MikeD, Dec 14 2009
  

       I know of a non-succubi or two roaming the earth. Should I hook you up?
RayfordSteele, Dec 14 2009
  

       Or would you rather have this ?   

       <slides brimming glass of 18 year old Lagavullin across table to [MikeD]>
8th of 7, Dec 14 2009
  

       Ludwig Boltzmann will suddenly spring back to life, due to random perturbations of chance. This confronts him with an unfortunate paradox. Either prove Boltzmann brains exist relatively frequently, or refute entropy in its entirety. He resolves that the best way to solve this paradox, will be involve himself in the most isolated, arcane activity known to man. Unfortunately Discovery Channel has recently commissioned some content on ressurected carpenters of the ice road, crab fishing, tree loggers of whatever route Ewan Macgregor last rode on his motorbike.
4whom, Dec 14 2009
  

       I'm a non-succubus...I think. Care to go out for a drink of cider, or a cheese break somewhere? If not in 2010 then perhaps 2012?
blissmiss, Dec 14 2009
  

       <Takes glass from 8th, nods graciously and sips pretentiously>   

       Where the hell has 21Quest been hiding his pansy ass?   

       [Bliss], I'd love to. Are we on the same continent?
MikeD, Dec 15 2009
  

       // 21Quest been hiding his pansy ass? //   

       Over his pansy head .... ?   

       There are 11 more assorted bottles in the case. What next, Oban, Jura, or The Macallan ?   

       (Beware the one that calls itself [RayfordSteele]. It is a Zillon from the planet Tharg, and can not be trusted).
8th of 7, Dec 15 2009
  

       //What next, Oban, Jura, or The Macallan ?//   

       Pour us an Oban & a Jura and then we can finish what's left of my Bruichladdich and I'll crack open the Scapa...   

       Oh. And I predict 2010 will start late, and feel strangely just like a headache.
Jinbish, Dec 15 2009
  

       OK.   

       <Sound of glugging>   

       <Rummages in box>   

       Auchentoshan, Ardbeg or Old Pulteney ?
8th of 7, Dec 15 2009
  

       Ooooh... Let's have an Auchentoshan. It's just down the road from me... And I've got a soft spot for Islay malt so let's pencil in a cheeky wee Ardbeg chaser. After that we can have a rogue dram of Eddu. It's actually pretty good stuff.   

       Maybe we should just concentrate our efforts on 2011?
Jinbish, Dec 15 2009
  

       Maybe bubba and 21 are the same...no, no, I know no no no...
blissmiss, Dec 15 2009
  

       Sorry [blishmish] - why are there three of you?
Jinbish, Dec 15 2009
  

       Wha ? Wossamarrer ? Ish there three ...three of ... who're you ? Eh ? Have another ....
8th of 7, Dec 15 2009
  

       //Maybe we should just concentrate our efforts on 2011?//   

       I'll drink to that. Any Glenlivet, 8th?   

       If we are running low, I can stop at the class 6 on the way home from work.
MikeD, Dec 15 2009
  

       The launch of the 24 hour cable channel Knock On Woods fails when explicit video of the international curling superstar Bjorn Walrussen and the Swedish Bikini team finally sweep Tiger from the front pages
theircompetitor, Dec 15 2009
  

       {pokes head around door}   

       Is any of that Jura left? I like that one.
pertinax, Dec 15 2009
  

       2012 will only be 2 years away...
xandram, Dec 16 2009
  

       It will be more fashionable for people to say "twenty-ten" than "two thousand (and) ten".
tatterdemalion, Dec 16 2009
  

       [Ian Tindale] will at some stage post "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2008"
po, Dec 16 2009
  

       the guides have been doing that very same thing all over their centenary [tatters]
po, Dec 16 2009
  

       Jesus will be about to return but at the last moment remember a previous commitment.
tatterdemalion, Dec 16 2009
  

       I feared you were going to say he was too busy texting Moses, for some odd reason. Pass me the egg nog.
blissmiss, Dec 16 2009
  

       po, - I already posted it, but it failed quality control.
Ian Tindale, Dec 16 2009
  

       how was that exactly?
po, Dec 16 2009
  

       I should just like to gloat that the fourth of my predictions has come to pass.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 06 2010
  

       Ah, but your first one invalidates it.
Ian Tindale, Jan 06 2010
  

       The first one invalidates itself, thereby failing to invalidate the subsequent ones.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 06 2010
  

       There comes a cure for alcoholism and drug craving. It involves mindless obedience and meets with pharmaceutical company resistance.   

       We learn that everything we forgot was right.
reensure, Jan 07 2010
  

       There are already cures for alcohol and drug craving. They are called "alcohol" and "drugs".
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 07 2010
  

       Extrapolating on the cinema success of "RealD", this technology will make its way into the home through (already publiscised) special TV services, and eventually through to video-games and computer desktops. Alternatively polarising contact lenses and eye-glasses will replace normal eye-wear and people will eventually get used to the phenomenon of only being able to see one of their conversationalist's eyes at a time. The format will become the norm, and children will one day think their parents lived in "2d" the same way we think our parents lived in "black and white".
zen_tom, Mar 16 2010
  

       since I read that as "Real-ID", (a DHS "security" initiative), the rest of the paragraph morphed into "1984" followed by Borg-cubism.
FlyingToaster, Mar 16 2010
  

       Resistance is Futile ...
8th of 7, Mar 17 2010
  

       //Resistance is Futile //
Try telling that to Georg Ohm
coprocephalous, Mar 17 2010
  

       Minidisc players will anexplicubly become a hot fashion item among the hot fashionistas.
Ian Tindale, Mar 17 2010
  

       All of Tiger Wood's former and current paramours will unite for a celebrity pro-am charity golf tournament in aid of sex addiction treatment centers.   

       Sex addiction will be included in the new edition of the DSM. Licensed sex addicts will be able to receive controlled doses of sex on insurance, at government safe sexing rooms.   

       Several square kilometers of Switzerland will wink out of existence, to be replaced by a single Higg's boson. Subsequent calculations will prove that the Higg's boson had in fact never existed before in the history of the universe, and that physics is a parlour game played by elves in hyperspace. Laughing elves fall out of the sky all over Europe.   

       [8th of 7] will go public as Barack Obama's real babby daddy. DNA, MRI and metallurgical tests will prove him/her/it correct. Obama's birth certificate will prove to be a forgery by time-travelling Nazis from Antarctica. At the subsequent press conference, Obama's proton-proton fusion reactor will go critical, eliminating the entire Washington press corps and 87% of the House of Reps and Senate. The Dow jumps to a record high.   

       Sarah Palin will bake cupcakes. They will be delicious.   

       The northern coastlines of Canada and Russia will see a real estate boom which will temporarily boost the global economy by 11.3%.   

       9 + 7 will equal 11.   

       A Zimbabwean teenager will build a space elevator out of rattan, coconut fibre and beeswax. He will post his method on instructables, and a renegade space elevator industry will spring up overnight. Kevin Kelly will invite him to speak at TED.
BunsenHoneydew, Mar 19 2010
  

       // elves fall out of the sky all over Europe. //   

       Oh, so that's what the noise is.   

       // him/her/it //   

       Sp: "them" (Third person plural)   

       // Antarctica //   

       Atlantis. And it's the Knights Templars, actually.   

       // Kevin Kelly will invite him to speak at TED. //   

       Now you're just being silly.
8th of 7, Mar 19 2010
  

       /sex-addiction clinics/ and in a rare bit of poetic-justic, "sufferers" are paired off with each other, locked in a room and "don't come out 'til your both down a quart".   

       //The northern coastlines of Canada and Russia will see a real estate boom//
with the right marketing that could happen... give what's left of the polar bear population something to do.
FlyingToaster, Mar 19 2010
  

       BAD [FT] ! Bad boy ! Back in your cupboard ! And take that gimp mask off !
8th of 7, Mar 19 2010
  
      
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