Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
Strap *this* to the back of your cat.

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Blatantly Idiotic Predictions For 2023 v0.9

Yes it's early. Go ahead.
  [vote for,

Putin will withdraw what’s left of his beleaguered troops from Ukraine and hold a news conference saying that he was only kidding and can he please re-enter the world market on friendly terms.

Biden will take memory and awareness courses and start relating everything he says to ice cream. When asked if the price of gasoline will ever come down he’ll respond, “Come on man, it’s an unugamoogatube. Uh, two scoops!”

Gavin Newsom, having won another term and to set a good example for other governors and people in general will purchase a $10M mansion, ostensibly for his kids.

England will enact legislation on eggs, to be sold only to nearsighted persons with middle-of-the-road politics.

In an effort to unite Congress AOC will require that members wear the other party’s political colors for 6 months and to end every statement with “I am [name of mortal enemy from across the aisle] and I approve this message.”

Having realized financial gains from midterm coverage the media will instate quarter- eighth- and sixteenth-term elections.

Having realized huge profits from Black Friday and Cyber Monday retail establishments will add Second Chance Tuesday, I-Was-Too-Busy Wednesday, Scratch And Dent Thursday and Rust And Rubble Saturday events.

whatrock, Nov 10 2022

Gallagher https://www.cnn.com...mic-dead/index.html
[a1, Nov 11 2022]

Okay, maybe phrenology just needs an update. https://www.youtube...watch?v=FXai8wKEqCU
[doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022]

Looks like ACME got out of the anvil business. https://acme.com/
[doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022]

It was a good run. https://uselessinfo...912-acme-anvils-ad/
Yes, there was actually an ACME anvil company. [doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022, last modified Nov 13 2022]

Heroin will be sold in grocery stores -xandram https://www.busines...at-prove-it-2011-11
Again? [a1, Nov 12 2022]

The mostly accurate physics of the Roadrunner cartoons. https://www.youtube...watch?v=e7K1SgywkiI
See if you can guess what's gonna happen at each step. [doctorremulac3, Nov 13 2022]


       Trump will pull out of the 2024 race, but be overheard, in one of his rants, screaming, "who the hell is this xenzag person???"
theircompetitor, Nov 10 2022

       Trump will lay an egg in public that will roll out from the bottom of one of his trouser legs, and hatch out to reveal a miniature Rudy Guiliani figure running around covered with feathers.
xenzag, Nov 10 2022

       It may be wishful thinking, but I really don't want Biden OR Trump to run again.   

       [xenzag] vs [doctorremulac3]?   

       Sure, it would be unconstitutional - but more entertaining than the more likely Whitmer vs Desantis contest.
a1, Nov 10 2022

       Trump is finished. No one needs worry about him again. Removing top secret documents then using them to make paper planes will be his ultimate undoing. The world is a safer place now that his bubble has finally burst, after the recent elections and America is no longer the laughing stock of the entire world - that baton has been passed to brexit UK.
xenzag, Nov 10 2022

       // ... America is no longer the laughing stock of the entire world - that baton has been passed to brexit UK. //   

       Don't underestimate the power of stupid people in great numbers. The USA could be taking it back any day now.
a1, Nov 10 2022

       // ... America is no longer the laughing stock of the entire world - that baton has been passed to brexit UK. //   

       Don't flatter yourself on the supremacy of the US in everything they attempt, they never held the top spot there.
Skewed, Nov 11 2022

       [Jutta] will unveil the HB's new "AutoAnagram" feature whereby about 10 seconds after posting, all the letters in any idea or submission gradually swap places until they create a sensible idea or post.
pocmloc, Nov 11 2022

       [Voice's anti anti Trump rant.]
Voice, Nov 11 2022

       New legislation will be vetoed in the US recognizing that the possession of a penis will no longer inherently deny a person due process. Pooh Bear will achieve harmony in Hong Kong via a large number of harmonious strokes to the bodies of dissenters with a harmony stick. Winter will take one look at Earth and decide to visit Mars this year.
Voice, Nov 11 2022

       //Trump is finished. No one needs worry about him again.//   

       But we’ll still have to hear Trump obsessed rants, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over….
doctorremulac3, Nov 11 2022

       The recently late Gallagher’s funeral will be delayed until New Year’s Day 2023, while morticians prepare the body. Then his embalmed head will be placed on stage and a robotic Gallagher will smash it with a sledgehammer.   

       Front row audience will be provided with raincoats.
a1, Nov 11 2022

       The US will attempt to make voting illegal for those over fifty.
They will fail.

       Finally bowing to the constant pressure from everyone constantly telling everyone to 'follow the science' the government will instead raise voting age to 25 when the brain is closer to having finished developing.   

       Consequently the lefts support tanks due to the loss of traditionally left leaning younger voters.   

       Trump is elected in a landslide victory in 2024.   

       Much gnashing of teeth and wailing ensues.   

       The price of salt crashes due to the surplus available for extraction from tears.   

       [xenzag] sells his Tessler to finance his ticket on Musk's first Mars colony rocket and makes good on his 2023 promise to leave the world and go live somewhere else if Trump wins again.   

       There is much celebrating in the bakery.   

       Due to a lack of financial incentive to actually extract it brought about by the low price the concentration of salt in the oceans peaks from all the tears flowing into it causing widespread decimation of fish stocks, coupled with the the salt poisoning of agricultural land as the tears flow to the sea mass starvation ensues and fighting breaks out over the last remaining pockets of usable US farmland ending in the release of the worlds remaining nuclear stockpiles as the US battles to secure salt free farmland on other continents.   

       Nuclear winter ensues.   

       On Earth humanity dies.   

       On Mars [xenzag] gets the last laugh.   

       [Bugger! didn't see that one coming, stream of consciousness got away from me there]   

       Trump having escaped Earth on Musk's last Mars colony rocket arrives on Mars.   

       [xenzag] stops laughing and descends into a terminal sulk.   

       Trump is inaugurated as emperor of Mars, much to [xenzags] further annoyance.   

       Musk is inaugurated as vice emperor .. in charge of casinos, brothels and Dutch style 'coffee' shops.   

       Balance is restored and all is well with the world, well, one of them anyway.   

       [Whew! that's better, was worried we wouldn't see a happy ending there for a minute]
Skewed, Nov 12 2022

       Elon Musk will buy a major bitcoin transaction site, and require Twitter subscribers to pay in bitcoin fractions. Bitcoin will tank when he then fires half of the transaction site staff and transactions become falsified overnight by an actual prince in Nigeria whose identity was stolen by Devin Nunes' Cow.
RayfordSteele, Nov 12 2022

       Someone will come up with a meme / t-shirt saying:   


       1542: The Earth is the center of the universe.   

       1643: There is a substance, the philosopher’s stone, that's capable of turning base metals like mercury into gold. (As believed by idiots like Isaac Newton)   

       1700: Depleting phlogiston will put out a fire.   

       1715: Luminiferous aether is the medium necessary for the propagation of light.   

       1820: The science of phrenology can determine character and intelligence because bumps on the head are indicative of individual temperaments.
doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022

       Well the last one makes sense. A bunch of bumps indicates a proclivity to do dumb things like walk under pianos hanging from cranes and in anvil weight testing areas.
RayfordSteele, Nov 12 2022

       We may be assuming consequence as cause there [Ray] .. bumps on the head can be indicative of a swift blow with a blunt object which can be a cause of brain damage, leading the individual to do dumb things.
Skewed, Nov 12 2022

       Who's to say when those bumps were phrenologized? And people can be dumb even before having a dumbell dropped on their noggin.
RayfordSteele, Nov 12 2022

       Good point, before we write off bumps on the head we might want to find out where they came from.
doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022

       [Whistles nonchalantly while gazing at the ceiling]   

       [Surreptitiously nudges a large hammery thing under the sofa with his toe]   

       What bumps would that be?   

       [Pretends to have only just noticed [xenzag] sprawled across the sofa]   

       Oh! those bumps, didn't see him there, no idea, must have already had them when I got here I'm sure.   

       [Sidles towards the door]   

       Well, I really must be off, say hi for me when he wakes up, I'm sure hell be fine.   

       [Dashes outside and disappears]
Skewed, Nov 12 2022

       The bumps on my skull are just from an un-anchored hockey net.
I swear.

       That those two sentences are completely unrelated is of no consequence...   

       Desertification will continue in the western US as the snow-pack for this year will hit historic lows and require shipping water in by camel caravans wearing loaded diapers.   

       A minor figure in the Royal family will declare themselves to be Amish, and consequently their waitstaff will have to resort to candlelights, chamber pots, carriages. and 56k dial-up modems to a forgotten BBS running on a token ring.
RayfordSteele, Nov 12 2022

       Heroin will be sold in grocery stores.
xandram, Nov 12 2022

       I hit myself on the head with an anvil the other day
pocmloc, Nov 12 2022

       Was it an ACME brand? They'll do that.
doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022

       No it was a fairly small anvil. I was holding it at head height but I let go with one hand which was the mistake.   

       Remember friends, whenever you are holding an anvil at head height, keep both hands on it.
pocmloc, Nov 12 2022

       Or, alternatively, just hold your head at head height instead of ducking it under the anvil.   


       Why was your head below an anvil held at head height? .. you were inspecting for dust? .. [Ponders] .. is there something we should know about (your?) non-standard morphology?
Skewed, Nov 12 2022

       //No it was a fairly small anvil. I was holding it at head height but I let go with one hand which was the mistake.//   

       Did the roadrunner get away?
doctorremulac3, Nov 12 2022

       ^ ...again?!
Sgt Teacup, Nov 13 2022

       Wanna have some fun? No? Check out the link anyway, but say in your mind what's gonna happen at each step of the Wile E's plan. I got 2 of the 4 events.
doctorremulac3, Nov 13 2022


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