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Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2019

Any idiotic predictions, blatant or otherwise, are deemed to be verified by the fake news association as true upon your acceptance of this document (reading this constitutes your acceptance of the truth)
  [vote for,

Fucks sake, this is going to be an interminable dribble of stupid politics, isn’t it. Nobody fucking cares about the American or British day after day headlines of 2018.

Let’s see. What can we do about actual predictions which are idiotic, blatantly, that aren’t political. Predictions about technical stuff. Predictions about social ineptitude stuff. Predictions about products, services and planets. Predictions about literature and wine. Predictions about bricks. Predictions about flowers. Predictions about aliens.

Ian Tindale, Dec 01 2018

article (allegedly) posted 8 December 2018 9:00 AM https://www.spectat...-what-happens-next/
link posted 7 December 2018 7:38 PM [Skewed, Dec 07 2018]

In Popular Culture https://www.busines...omy-in-2019-2018-12
[theircompetitor, Dec 08 2018]

It Makes A Fellow Proud To Be A Soldier http://www.metrolyr...ics-tom-lehrer.html
The genius of Tom Lehrer [8th of 7, Dec 30 2018]


       Blatantly a fake prediction.
xenzag, Dec 01 2018

       [8th] will be the first to annotate "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions for 2019".
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 01 2018

       Ha! Gotcha!
xenzag, Dec 01 2018

       The transitive property will be proven false, because "B" is a genderless verb.
4and20, Dec 01 2018

       In a referendum, Europe will vote to leave the EU.
8th of 7, Dec 01 2018

       The UK will vote to enliven the EU.
Ian Tindale, Dec 01 2018

       Politics will become newsworthy in 2019 when it transpires that the entirety of the American Declaration of Independence (which is a thing to do with that film with Jeff Goldblum in it) turns out to be entirely fictional. The document and all traces of the document will be seen to have been a kind of reconstruction of a fictional new future in the form of a stage play. Unfortunately because the only remaining evidence was not accompanied by any living person with an actual tale to tell to verify the promotional material for the play, or otherwise, it fell into historical memory as actual fact. People took this stuff really seriously for a few generations until it became so ingrained that everybody on both sides of the Atlantic believed it was true.
Ian Tindale, Dec 01 2018

       The American congress will realize how corrupt they've become and resign en masse.
Voice, Dec 01 2018

       Further to [Voice]'s prediction of last year, a second technological singularity will be achieved. This will make it much better.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 01 2018

       The European Parliament will realize how corrupt they've become and hire one another as consultants to get more money out of lobbyists, vested interests, and the expenses system.   

       Trillions of Euro will be ploughed into a new high-speed rail network known as the "Train de Sauce à Grande Vitesse", connecting Brussel, Strasbourg, Zurich, Liechtenstein, Bermuda and Panama, allowing huge amounts of money to be discreetly whisked into tax havens at astonishing speed. Several Russian oligarchs will die of pure envy.
8th of 7, Dec 01 2018

       1st April 2019 - UK finally breaks the news that tha Greatest EVER prank on whole of EU Announced!
Dub, Dec 02 2018

       Trump will announce that he's running and would like us all to know that. Not FOR anything, just running. He'll quickly have to stop and catch his breath, and then will tweet about how great his lung capacity is.   

       Quebec will break away, physically, from the rest of Canada, by means of chisels and rubber mallets.   

       NASA will find a lost earring on Mars, prompting the alien housewife to come and claim it.   

       Putin will get tired of politics, become a monk, and donate all of his ill-gotten money to the United Way, where they will become even more corrupted by it.   

       Ted Cruz will complete his final pokemon evolution into a blobfish. Meanwhile, Beto will form a new metal band in order to tour for donations to his '2020 Beto for Baron' campaign.   

       Someone will clone themselves, but then put the clone up for adoption.
RayfordSteele, Dec 02 2018

       Several new colours will be discovered.
Ian Tindale, Dec 02 2018

       Jeff Bezos will man a space mission to collect defensive Kryptonite, but not before he kills his doppelgänger, 1970's bald Gene Hackman.
4and20, Dec 02 2018

       // Ted Cruz will complete his final pokemon evolution into a blobfish. //   

       Tom Cruise will complete his final evolution into a microscopic life-form, allowing him to star in the remake of Fantastic Voyage without any special-effects trickery.
8th of 7, Dec 02 2018

       Someone will publish "The Donald Trump Cook Book". (alternative title: "The Donald Trump Crook Book")
xenzag, Dec 02 2018

       Melania Trump will publish "Cooking with Donald", a short recipe book of her favorite pork dishes.   

       Trump will mysteriously go missing.   

       A tearful Melania will appear on American TV begging for his safe return & (with a genteel burp) deny all knowledge of where he might be.   

       (it may not be in that chronological order)
Skewed, Dec 02 2018

       Melania will name [xenzag] as the ghostwriter of her next bestseller, a semi-autobiographical work titled "To Serve Man".   

       Retail outlets across the world will experience a massive surge in sales of a delicious new foodstuff called "Long Pig". Vegetarianism will be relegated to the status of a historical curiosity, along with wattle-and-daub huts and flint-knapping*.   

       Jonathan Swift's pamphlet A Modest Proposal will be academically re-evaluated to try to work out how it was ever mistaken for satire.   

       Your planet's overpopulation crisis will be mysteriously solved in a matter of months. China declines as a major exporter of manufactured goods as "they can't get the staff". The defecit is made good by a massive increase in food production, almost entirely meat. The government institutes a generous "open door" policy to encourage immigration.   

       *In wales, wattle-and-daub huts and flint-knapping will continue to be regarded as unattainable high-tech.
8th of 7, Dec 02 2018

       Someone will come with a rational explanation to what happens to all my "bags for life" after I die.
not_morrison_rm, Dec 02 2018

       They cease to exist, like the rest of the Universe.
8th of 7, Dec 02 2018

       The Left will realize that with water having been recently discovered on Mars the planet is ripe for colonization. Evian and deployable Roombas will precede ships packed with everybody who previously stated “If Trump wins I will move”, along with the appropriate chunk of Congress.   

       There will be much rejoicing.
whatrock, Dec 02 2018

       [Skewed], I like the way you think. Make it happen, or you're fired!!!
blissmiss, Dec 03 2018

       Elon Musk will do an exactly equal number of clever and extremely dumb things. Scientists will posit a new "Conservation of Cleverness" law which hypothesises that there is zero net cleverness in the universe and that cleverness can only be created by simultaneously creating an exactly equal quantity of stupidity. *
hippo, Dec 03 2018

       So are we doing the universe a favor or a curse with this site?
RayfordSteele, Dec 03 2018

       A favour: think of all the awesome stuff that must be happening elsewhere to balance us out.
pertinax, Dec 03 2018

       [* obviously, c.f. Hawking Radiation, if you create your cleverness and stupidity at the event horizon of a black hole it is theoretically possible for the stupidity to be sucked into the black hole and the cleverness to be radiated away from it, leaving you with net cleverness, but this is yet to be tested empirically]
hippo, Dec 03 2018

       Because of a long-forgotten collateral relationship, [8th of 7] will receive a fat envelope from a law firm in Texas notifying him that he has inherited the entire fortune of Howard Hughes.   

       However, as a condition of his inheritance, he must first complete a pilgrimage to the ancestral Hughes home, proceding on foot from Caerdydd to Pwllheli and pausing at every stage to perform "Land of my Fathers" in the Senior Language while wrapped in the Dragon of Gwent.   

       Also, cats.
pertinax, Dec 03 2018

       The "Conservation of Cleverness" law hypothesis will be conclusively disproven when it is shown that although there is a finite amount of cleverness, there is no upper limit to the amount of stupidity in the Universe.
8th of 7, Dec 03 2018

       8th will be uncloaked as a giant cat, and will be used as the pin-up feline sensation of the year, posing on fluffy rugs, surrounded by pink cuddly squeeking toys.
xenzag, Dec 03 2018

       SpaceX will activate the AI on the hundreds of satellites it launched into orbit before year end, at which point Elon Musk will tweet that Skynet is active, and he is taking Earth private
theircompetitor, Dec 03 2018

       A naked Elon Musk will smash its way into the Oval Office and declaim "I need your clothes, your boots, and your overpriced short-range battery-powered road vehicle."   

       President Trump will respond with "T-1000 ... liquid metal" and shape-shift to become Frank, the demonic rabbit from Donnie Darko.   

       They will then set off together, arm in arm and singing as they go, to teach people the true meaning of Christmas.   

       Hilarity ensues.   

       A small heap of charred ash will be found in [xenzag]'s former residence; there will be no other damage. After a lengthy investigation, spontaneous human combustion will reluctantly be blamed.
8th of 7, Dec 03 2018

       //"I need your clothes, your boots, and your overpriced short-range battery-powered road vehicle."   

       Erm, surely he'll have his own overpriced short-range battery-powered road vehicle?
not_morrison_rm, Dec 03 2018

       It's in the workshop for a battery change.
8th of 7, Dec 03 2018

       [xenzag]'s infant son will survive, with only an odd-shaped scar to show for it.
pertinax, Dec 03 2018

       France being the home of the Paris Accord will show the world real leadership in cutting carbon emissions
theircompetitor, Dec 04 2018

       Japan being the home of the Honda Accord will show the world real leadership in finally admitting to and apologizing for the innumerable hideous crimes they perpetrated in WW2.
8th of 7, Dec 04 2018

       Hillary Clinton will formally announce that she is running for the Republican Party's nomination in 2020, arguing with supporters that "if he could do it, I could do it"
theircompetitor, Dec 04 2018

       The true meaning of christmas is lost these days. Originally it was a Roman expression, and the quantity Ch was taken to mean the Roman 100 plus another 100 from the time of Augustus. The s on the end is simply pluralisation. The true meaning of Christmas is therefore not just one ristma, but two hundred ristmas.
Ian Tindale, Dec 04 2018

       Ristma ... ristmae ? Wouldn't that be the correct plural ? Does it take the dative, or the accusative ... or maybe the locative ?
8th of 7, Dec 04 2018

       It's christmas, so dates are on the menu. As are accusations. And Sturton will be locative as usual.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 04 2018

       I see you're on his case. But that still leaves his person, tense, mood and voice indeterminate, even given that you've got his number. I trust we won't have to get periphrastic like last year.
pertinax, Dec 05 2018

       Then we'll finally be of one Accord.
Voice, Dec 05 2018

       Even that is divisible, you’ll find. An accord can be broken down into constituent parts, and even electrons and protons and ions. Thousands and thousands of accord ions.
Ian Tindale, Dec 05 2018

       That sounds very unpleasant.
8th of 7, Dec 05 2018

       No no no. The Ion was a piss-poor little tin can of a car excreted out of GM's hindquarters when they were surviving on gruel and lentil soup. The Accord is a fast pedestrian disguised as a car and almost as exciting as walking, but at least will hold together for a few miles.
RayfordSteele, Dec 06 2018

       2019 will see scientific proof that there is indeed another planet within our solar system. It will be named Htrae because it is discovered to be a mirror image of our own planet, revolving in a diametrically-opposed orbit to Earth.   

       It will further be revealed that interplanetary travel between Earth and Htrae takes place with surprising regularity, but only while we are sleeping. During a state of profound slumber, our bodies leave the Earth, and occupy a distinct point in space until Htrae comes around to "catch" us, and we return safely to our bed. (Or would that be "deb"?)   

       This is the only rational explanation for having one of "those" days where we feel a little disconnected and everything seems out of place.   

       (For further documentary proof of this prediction, please see the 1969 film Doppelgänger.)
Canuck, Dec 06 2018

       // we feel a little disconnected and everything seems out of place. //   


       "No, that's just perfectly normal paranoia, everyone in the universe has that."   

8th of 7, Dec 06 2018

       Having discovered a minor wormhole to twenty two hours & some minutes into the future accessible through the internet [linky] [Skewed] becomes outrageously wealthy by trading in shares & dabbling on betfair.   

       Then buys the presidency of the EU & dissolves it (with special continent dissolving armaments purchased from the borg).   

       The UK supplements it's income by renting out portions of it's vastly increased national waters to Japanese fisherman.
Skewed, Dec 07 2018

       Sp. "Borg".
8th of 7, Dec 07 2018

       bog + arse = borrg
pocmloc, Dec 07 2018

       2019 will be the year we’re visited by an extraterrestial alien shark race (who won?). As I always predict, the big problem we’ll face when aliens settle down and we settle down and they converse with us is twofold at least. They’ll ask about these qwerty keyboards we use. We’ll offer up the explanation. They’ll piss themselves laughing. Secondly, we’ll try and explain toilet paper. They’ll point out that it actually doesn’t work, never did, never will. We’ll continue in de Nile and defend toilet paper as some new breakthrough and that it works fine and there’s no disadvantage in something that basically smears shit around until it’s too thin to bother with. Meanwhile they’re still pissing themselves laughing at us, again.
Ian Tindale, Dec 07 2018

       [IT], the thread is for "Blatantly Idiotic Predictions", not "Sad Inevitabilities".
8th of 7, Dec 07 2018

       They let [IT] have paper??
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 07 2018

       It was a concession for taking his computer away.
RayfordSteele, Dec 08 2018

       //They’ll point out that it actually doesn’t work, never did, never will. //   

       Had you been paying attention, you would have noticed that muslims already laugh at this, when they think no-one is listening. They may have a point, though they have so far been too polite to make it to our faces. Which is very tactful of them. Chapeau.
pertinax, Dec 08 2018

       Is there anything in the Quran about the Three Seashells ?
8th of 7, Dec 08 2018

       //Sp. "Borg".//   

       He's only a little borg, he left the collective a while back & just needed some quick cash for fuel to get out of the local galactic cluster before you noticed he was missing, hence the fantastic deal he did me on those armaments, he said he prefers that spelling.
Skewed, Dec 08 2018

       A small heap of charred ash will be found in [Skewed]'s former residence, in circumstances eerily similar to the way that [xenzag] died; there will be no other damage. After a lengthy investigation, spontaneous human combustion will once again, reluctantly, be blamed.   

       The warehouse he rented, known to be filled to the eaves with extraterrestrial uber-high-tech weaponry, will be discovered to be mysteriously empty, apart from an unpaid invoice for "tractor parts".
8th of 7, Dec 08 2018

       A caravan of Mexicans arrive at the White House to perform Pink Floyd's The Wall it it's entirety. Instruments made of pitch forks and chainsaws will be played through a giant wall- of-sound system. Trebuchets will be used to hurl the children towards the White House lawn where they will commence to making huge bonfires that will get out of control.
xandram, Dec 10 2018

       During the warm months the planet will play host to a spectacular show of lights in the sky for several nights in a row (and some one on top of the other). Speculation as to the specifics of this spectacular show will reveal experiments in the private sector of the energy industry to transmit and store energy in the form of information. Facts, truths and perspectives will be found to have a greater latent energy than untruths, rumours and beliefs, due to the stacking effect of transposition and superposition.
Ian Tindale, Dec 12 2018

       All of the dead bees that have been killed by GMs and other toxins will come back to life and begin attacking employees of poisonous companies like Monsanto. These heroic winged avengers will be known as Zombees. It had to be said without any more delays.
xenzag, Dec 12 2018


       sp: Bayer and BASF   

       German companies now own all liabilities for invasive crops and chemical pollution.
bigsleep, Dec 12 2018

       DOW / DuPont no longer exist?
RayfordSteele, Dec 13 2018

       //begin attacking employees//   

       So, heartless, profiteering shareholders who are not employees will be fine, then? Just checking.
pertinax, Dec 13 2018

       // German companies //   

       There's good historical precedent. IG Farben was deeply involved in chemical weapons production in both world wars (although Chlorine was, and still is, an off-the-shelf essential industrial feedstock). And there's Zyklon-B, of course ...
8th of 7, Dec 13 2018

       In April, the UK government will realize that trying to get a better divorce deal out of your partners lawyer was a non-starter. In a frenzy of deal making, the UK will accidentally be sold to Poland.   

       In the midst of an online discussion about man-made climate change, someone actually does a bit of research and proves that not all men are to blame.
bigsleep, Dec 20 2018

       Ducks will increase in value.
Ian Tindale, Dec 20 2018

       // does a bit of research and proves that not all men are to blame. //   

       [xenzag]'s head will explode.   

8th of 7, Dec 20 2018

       never have more people raved and ranted about simply being fed.
theircompetitor, Dec 20 2018

       Sp. "fed up".
Skewed, Dec 20 2018

       A manufacturer will announce “Horrid” biscuits.
Ian Tindale, Dec 28 2018

       The makers of Oreos will sue the makers of "Horrid" biscuits for breach of copyright.   

       They will win; but in a rare example of natural justice, they will be ordered by the court to consume a quantity of their own product.
8th of 7, Dec 28 2018

       Yes, that’s known as “eating your own dogfood” although usually it is but a metaphor.
Ian Tindale, Dec 28 2018

       Non Crapito Suum Januum ...
8th of 7, Dec 28 2018

       //The makers of Oreos will sue the makers of "Horrid" biscuits for breach of copyright//   

       That's because the Oreo name was coined from the focus group trying to pronounce 'horrible'.
bigsleep, Dec 30 2018

       "He's from Georgia, and he doesn't speak the language very well ..."   

8th of 7, Dec 30 2018

       Through an impossibly unlikely series of amazing coincidences, [xenzag] will actually meet Donald Trump, undergo a Damascene conversion, and become his #1 fan.
8th of 7, Dec 31 2018

       Through an impossibly unlikely series of amazing coincidences, [xenzag] will actually meet Donald Trump & he will undergo a Damascene conversion and become xenzag's #1 fan.

Also, in a feeble attempt to assuage the wrath of Tindale, I predict that no aliens will be found this year as, once again, nobody thinks to look behind the sofa.
DrBob, Jan 02 2019

       How did they get in? Do they have a bunch of Alien Keys?
Ian Tindale, Jan 03 2019

       That's enough of that sort of Torx ...
8th of 7, Jan 03 2019

       We were tooled to stop punning.
Voice, Jan 04 2019

       The rest of us are still soldering iron regardless.
Ian Tindale, Jan 04 2019

       I predict that this year will see an entirely new and novel never-experienced-before movement, this being: An attempt to push back on large scale efforts which culminate in feeling guilty for something you have no control or agency over.   

       A significant contributing factor (in my opinion) to the weakening of mental health (that highly refined and specific category of ills much akin to categorising anything from a cough to a broken leg to decapitation as nothing more detailed than ‘physical health’) is the willingness for public movements to point blame at groups of individuals over something they really can’t affect.   

       I think people will start to recognise this and push back against movements and memes which can only culminate in young people feeling horrifically guilty about this issue and that matter going on in the world, when in reality there really is nothing they are empowered to do about it at all other than get even more depressed. This will not stand.
Ian Tindale, Feb 10 2019

       Have a seat.
pertinax, Feb 10 2019

       The Democrat Party will adopt a 2020 platform of wealth confiscation, and call for the retrofitting of every building in the United States for renewable energy, while simultaneously eliminating nuclear power, meat from our diet, straws from our drinks, and getting rid of airplanes, all over a period of ten years, while continuing to resist any walls at the southern borders as being completely impractical.
theircompetitor, Feb 10 2019

       No way. That's far too absurd.   

       12 years. If we start on all of it now...   

       If you'd let some of those Hondurans through, it'd be much appreciated. I have a train to Hawaii to build.
RayfordSteele, Feb 10 2019

       ...in that case Mexican tunnel makers will be very rich, for people fleeing to Mexico and after the next election, fleeing to the states.   

       Presumably there will be a movable divider down the centre of the tunnel to cope with overspill?
not_morrison_rm, Feb 10 2019

       //This will not stand.// If it's not going to stand, it needs a name. We've had "cultural appropriation", "black lives matter" and "me too". You need to come up with a two- or three-word phrase.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 10 2019

       I claim First of the Mohicans.
theircompetitor, Feb 10 2019

       I still think you should claim African-American status.
RayfordSteele, Feb 10 2019

       “Don’t blame me”
Ian Tindale, Feb 10 2019

       Technically, that's four words. Personally, I'd go for "Blameless" or possibly "Blame less".
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 10 2019

       Or possibly just shift responsibility: "Blame Les"
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 10 2019

       Is he any relation to "Hope Les" ?
8th of 7, Feb 10 2019

not_morrison_rm, Feb 10 2019


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