Science: Health: Sexual Aid
Dating Loophole   (+20, -14)  [vote for, against]
Side-Shield brand laminated fat pads

(Please note that the following is not suitable reading for women.)

Side-Shield brand laminated fat pads are my greatest, and perhaps most diabolical invention. To really appreciate the possibilities, you have to have a deep understanding of the male physiology, and an even deeper insight into female psychology. Permit me to educate you:

First, it is important to realize that fat cells are actually far more powerful than muscle cells. Fat cells never die and are always hungry. They actually subvert the brain and make you eat things that you don’t want to eat. Short of being trapped in a vegetable bin, it is impossible to lose fat, you are what you are now, the gym won’t make any difference. In contrast, muscle cells are like Moldovian laborers on a hot day. Muscle cells just don’t want to work, and if you make them work, they often get sick and die. It is very difficult to make muscles bigger by working out. Gyms often install trick mirrors to fool their customers. That is all you have to know about male physiology. I think that you will agree that it is revolutionary.

Second, you may be surprised to learn that women are not attracted to muscle-bound men. The reason for this is that these men have muscles because they have excess testosterone circulating in their blood. Women don’t like to be constantly fending off sexual advances, and these mesomorphs are always hitting on women – they can’t help themselves, it’s the hormones. When you see a good looking woman with a guy with rippling muscles, your first inclination is to think that that woman was attracted to that man because of his physique. But this is not the case. A deeper thinker, such as myself, realizes that that woman is with that man in spite of his physique. In fact, he may not even have had the body when he first met the woman – which is the crux of my invention.

While women avoid talking to muscle guys, to avoid come-ons, women love to talk to fat guys. Fat guys don’t have a chance of scoring, and they know it. In fact, fat guys are generally fat because they don’t have testosterone, so they don’t even care if they don’t have sex. Also, fat people are generally thought of as genial and easy to talk to… you can see where I am going with this – what I want to do is to turn the average ectomorphic or mesomorphic Joe into a Trojan Horse. Picture this: you are a recent college graduate, moving into a new area. You move into an apartment complex. The first day, you strap on my Side-Shield brand laminated fat pads, and waddle out to the pool (wearing a shirt, of course). Every woman there wants to talk to you, even if its just because they feel sorry for you. People are always inviting you to dinner – which is just a bonus. Pretty soon you know a lot of women fairly well. Then its time to start letting out that maybe its time to start working out. Everyone will say that that is a great idea – but they will secretly think that it is a terrible idea, since nobody can ever really lose weight.

Now you see how diabolical this is. Every week you remove a layer of the Side-Shields. Within six weeks, sooner if horny, you will be back to your normal lightweight self. Along the way your women friends will, without even noticing that you are losing weight, begin to think that you are better looking than they first thought, and that you might actually be dateable. Of course, you must never ever get fully unclothed before removing all of the Side-Shields; or else the warranty will be null and void.
-- ldischler, Oct 16 2002

halfbakery help for ldischler: tongue in cheek
If you're trying to be funny and fail, it's your fault. Not your audience's. [jutta, Apr 08 2006]

- or you could bore them into a deep sleep...

I actually typed depp the first time - talk about freudian slips.
-- po, Oct 16 2002

[ldischler] I must admit I began reading your idea with ready made reservations. By the time I got to the bottom I was laughing out loud in a good way.

I also must admit your idea is clever - in a quirky sort of way. I'll give you my croissant. <still smiling>
-- hollajam, Oct 16 2002

"Fat guys don’t have a chance of scoring, and they know it. In fact, fat guys are generally fat because they don’t have testosterone, so they don’t even care if they don’t have sex."
No croissant from me, but I'm grumpy so don't take it personally. Please move the advertisement/link to your user page.
-- phoenix, Oct 16 2002

phoenix, ldischle, I'd like to personally shatter that myth as far as this female is concerned. Conversation and humor, among a few personality traits have been known to knock me of my feet. Regardless.
-- hollajam, Oct 16 2002

"Conversation and humor, among a few personality traits have been known to knock me of my feet."

I agree. But those proved too difficult to laminate.
-- ldischler, Oct 16 2002

Haha! You got one of the two main courses going. That'll get you "half" noticed... And if you just *read from* the volume of things you type you might nearly pull it off!
-- hollajam, Oct 16 2002

Fishboned for gross generalizations regarding men, women, fat people, shallow approach to dating, and misspelling of the words "lose" and "losing".
-- XSarenkaX, Oct 16 2002

"Fishboned for gross generalizations...misspelling..."

Sure. But you don't deny that the idea could actually work, do you?
-- ldischler, Oct 16 2002

I wonder if it's the "con" part that she doesn't like for starters. I rather like the humor behind the "con" part myself. Quirky. Funny.
-- hollajam, Oct 16 2002

Well, in small-town USA, if a fellow of intermediate age should become single for any reason, there is a sort of gold rush amongst the women to see who can ensnare him first. While all sorts of devious means are used, the only crime seems to be in admitting to it.
-- ldischler, Oct 16 2002

hahaha this is true, my fat friends can easily talk to girls cause they know their not going to score and the girls know they arnt going to try.
-- Gulherme, Oct 17 2002

[Gulherme] That's a sad commentary on values.
-- bristolz, Oct 17 2002

The "sad commentary" is that satire cannot be appreciated even on a website dedicated to it!
-- ldischler, Oct 17 2002

satyr? know one or two.
-- po, Oct 17 2002

I don’t know who they are, but they say: “The Halfbakery is a communal database of original, fictitious inventions, edited by its users. It was created by people who like to speculate, both as a form of satire and as a form of creative expression.” I accept your apology in advance.
-- ldischler, Oct 17 2002

<not being patronising!> Idischler - The problem with satirical comment on the web is that you can never know your audience.

Combine the lampooning fat people, generalising women's preference in men and the dubious motivations for attracting the women with the way you presented it.

It isn't a surprise that it annoys some people is it?
-- Jinbish, Oct 17 2002

//'re gonna be one very blue and one very lifeless individual //

he's two individuals? well, i guess with the fat pads...

i remember reading about a girl who for a university project got fat for a while, then thin again, just to find out how differently people would treat her. can anybody remember who it was and how it turned out?
-- sadie, Oct 17 2002

[sadie], you are funny today...<g>

And now for the part where I go into my rant about anyone, male or female, telling me what is or what is not "suitable" reading for my gender...oh never mind, I'm still laughing at [sadie's] one blue and one dead persons.
-- blissmiss, Oct 17 2002

To be legalistic about it, this site is intended first to showcase “fictitious inventions”, not poetry. It was created by “people”, not just women. And created for people who like to speculate, both as a form of “satire” and as a form of “creative expression”. Notice that word “and”. The statement of purpose does not say satire “or” creative expression. If you allow people to express themselves creatively without restraint, pretty soon you end up with naked artists dipping themselves in paint, rolling around on canvases. Or worse, poetry.

Satire as a pure form is appreciated by only 1% of the population. This is because, first, pure satire is not funny, and second, intended satire is entirely indistinguishable from unintended satire. Half of all newsgroup postings are either satire or the work of lunatics. So satire, to be appreciated for what it is, has to bounded very nicely with a sign out front telling people what is inside. Like here.

(Of course, if told not to read something, its impossible not to. But what are you doing in the sexual aids section to begin with?)
-- ldischler, Oct 17 2002

// But what are you doing in the sexual aids section to begin with ? //

I wandered in here when I saw a sign that said "Big Weapons" but I guess I'm in the wrong aisle ...... which way to "Sporting Goods" ? Hell yes, sure rocket launchers come under "Sporting Goods", where I come from anyway ......
-- 8th of 7, Oct 17 2002

Idischler - I would guess that most people look at the 'recent' link on the left hand side. It shows ideas in chronological order, according to the last annotation. It doesn't show what section the ideas are in. When I wandered in to this stramash I didn't bother to look at the category.
-- Jinbish, Oct 17 2002

“…why is this stupid, insulting, degrading, piece of crap idea in the sexual aids section to begin with…?” For no better reason than there is “A flock of Obsks From down in Nobsks” in here. I think, blissmiss, that you’re supposed to be original, but I’m not complaining.
-- ldischler, Oct 17 2002

Sorry, but this isn't satire. Satire is defined as "A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit." I see no irony here. I see no derision. I see only the wit of a five year old (if indeed such a thing can even be classed as wit) and generalisations of people that i suspect you know very little about. So i'm sorry, but you're not yet part of that 1% of people that 'get' satire.

And the poem is on blissmiss profile page, and there is yet to be a set of rules on originality of material for such pages in the 'bakery.
-- [ sctld ], Oct 17 2002

// that 1% of people that 'get' satire //

It's a transmissible disease ? Hmm, that figures.
-- 8th of 7, Oct 17 2002

“Sorry, but this isn't satire…” Ouch! But I never actually said it was, did I? It’s a “fictitious invention”, in case you were wondering.
-- ldischler, Oct 17 2002

For Idischler:
1) Irony is difficult in plain text.
2) When you're in a hole, stop digging.
3) The help page is a guide, not a constitution.
4) Nobody likes a smartarse.
5) Welcome to the Halfbakery.

Now would everybody please gather up their respective toys and play nicely.
-- st3f, Oct 17 2002

On the 17th of october, you said: //The "sad commentary" is that satire cannot be appreciated even on a website dedicated to it!//

Thus, you indicated that the idea was satire.
-- [ sctld ], Oct 17 2002

OK, I give up. I’m dead now. Cover me with fishbones.
-- ldischler, Oct 17 2002

There is a chance for redemption... You can half-live after boneing...
-- [ sctld ], Oct 17 2002

Idischler, no matter how good an idea is, condescension, bad spelling and generalisations will attract heat. And fishbones. Not a pleasant combination.

To everyone who’s got upset; there are and always will be shallow people who judge by appearance. I believe the germ of this idea is an invention which uses the force of prejudices in order to circumvent those prejudices. Sort of Sun Tsu courting, if you will.

In the last couple of weeks we have had seasoned Bakers advocating devices for killing stupid people, stunning poetry and illuminating prose, pointless but amusing recipes, and some of the most mind splitting whatever-you-call-reading –the-first-letters- to-get-hidden-messages that I could ever hope to see. All of which is worthwhile creativity: none of which is, strictly speaking, relevant to this site as I understand the rules.

Why oh why can’t we all just get along? Oh sorry, WIBNI.
-- egbert, Oct 17 2002

ldischler, I recognized this as the fictitious invention that it was ripe with satire from the beginning. One point that hasn't been made yet is that while there has been plenty of discussion on the perception that this idea is inflicting discord outwardly toward a group of individuals it is actually the very opposite that is being implied. That is what comes across to me.

ldischler, you have taken a conceptual situation and lightly applied the act upon yourself in a jovial sense of self deprecating humor - satire!

Self deprecating humor is a prevalent and friendly waning art form in southern (US) folk. I recognized this so easily that I never thought twice. Unfortunately it was lost on some today, but you held to your guns and set an example for some others who come along.

You can always click on our names and usually get to an email address if you need (hint)

btw I'm female and I never took this personally myself.

Anyway, welcome you fellow newbie.
-- hollajam, Oct 17 2002

// devices for killing stupid people //

Objection, your honour ! Darwin Appliances are not intended for "killing stupid people", they are merely intended to facilitate stupid people killing themselves, thus filtering the Gene Pool from the bottom up.

I'm not advocating either Eugenics or Euthansia (not because I don't think they're good ideas, but because I'd get flamed).

And actually, I think [Idischler]'s idea is amusing, and does count as genuine satire on the human condition. As a dimensionally challenged person myself, I can attest to some of what he addresses.
-- 8th of 7, Oct 17 2002

<hollajam pumps fists in salute to 8th of 7 and ldischler for their support of satire, one of her favorite all time hobbies>
-- hollajam, Oct 17 2002

Oh for crying out loud . . . I was responding _only_ to [Gulherme]'s annotation, not the idea itself, which I find amusing in a vague sort of way. While the idea is fanciful raillery, [Gulherme]'s comment was referencing reality and that reality is (a little) sad to me.

I apologize for not being clearer about who my comment was directed to.

Further, I agree that the intolerance sometimes shown here for anything that doesn't coincide exactly with someone's idea of what is right and proper (take smoking for example) can be offputting. On the whole, though, folks here are far more tolerant of things that poke fun at what they hold dear than the society at large. Less tolerant than they used to be, but still more tolerant than the general populace.
-- bristolz, Oct 17 2002

Ah, so many kind voices now. Where were they when I was alive?

From the grave...
-- ldischler, Oct 17 2002

...walking the dog...shoveling the snow off the breakfast...washing my hair...
-- hollajam, Oct 17 2002

"Right, [hollajam], [bristolz], that's fine, now, just position the table ...... don't worry [ldischler], everything's going to be fine ..... I'll just attach the clamps to the bolts in your neck... there, that didn't hurt, did it ? ....... now, [Farmer John], how's the lighting rod coming ? storm looking good ? Shush, [ldischler], easy now, we'll soon have you right .... go on, wind it up a bit higher ...... now, all we need to get is one good bolt, and he'll be restorBZZZZZSSSSZZZSSSZZZZTTTTZZTZTTTSSZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzttt...... crackle.....crackle .... pop.... hissssss...."

Feel better now ?
-- 8th of 7, Oct 17 2002

Think that'll be enough juice to fuse a thicker skin on him?
-- bristolz, Oct 17 2002

One Flew Over the Croissant Nest.
-- FarmerJohn, Oct 17 2002

I've been standing in the hallway layered in clothing for about an hour and I haven't been talked to once. I think they've caught on....I look like a large person with a little head. I think a face fatner is in order.
-- lazloquezos, Oct 17 2002

-- blissmiss, Oct 17 2002

oh lazlo! <picks herself up off the floor and rubs aching tummy>
-- po, Oct 17 2002

i know a fat kid who got a girl pregnant...and i don't think she was fat (before pregnancy ;)

+croissant =)
-- 15420, May 03 2005

-- Zimmy, Apr 08 2006

What's all the fuss over? This idea is clearly very funny.

In fact, in a moment of self reflection, all my funniest jokes are offensive in one way or another. I'm sure you've all the heard the one about a kid named fridge... I would tell it, but it'll undoubtedly upset someone. Politically correct just isn't funny. Oh, in fact, I have a good one about frogs, that's probably only offensive to frogs. And I don't think they'd mind, because they don't speak english. Hmmm, that's more of a visual gag though.
-- daaisy, Apr 08 2006

This product worked very well for me. I used them as directed, except instead of under my shirt I applied them under the front of my pants.
-- bungston, Apr 08 2006

// Well, in small-town USA, if a fellow of intermediate age should become single for any reason, there is a sort of gold rush amongst the women to see who can ensnare him first. While all sorts of devious means are used, the only crime seems to be in admitting to it. //

Remind me to visit there when I get some cash. Will the fat pads be necessary though? I get awful sweaty when I wear restrictive garments..
-- ye_river_xiv, Aug 18 2006

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