Other: Philosophy
Dentist-Alien Theory   (+12, -2)  [vote for, against]
Zippyannas Santa-Jesus theory reminded me of...

...a theory of my own (and perhaps many other lone wonderers) involving a trip to the dentists. Think about it- bright lights, masked figures leaning over you probing your teeth, the feeling of being 'rooted to the spot', the injections/gas etc, all symtons shared by both dentists patients and (claimed) abductees. Maybe the stress of a tooth pulling session combined with wooziness brought on by the anaesthetic could subconsciously get associated with the alien abduction thing.

Still haven't figured out the waking up completely naked in the middle of a field, though...
-- timo, Jul 23 2002

Fillings are actually implants so they can track you and control your mind.

// Still haven't figured out the waking up completely naked in the middle of a field, though... //

Hm. I think dentists should offer this service.
-- waugsqueke, Jul 23 2002

Or maybe dentists are really aliens.
-- DrCurry, Jul 23 2002

I've seen a lot of alien cab drivers.
-- FarmerJohn, Jul 23 2002

but dentists don't drive cabs..
-- yamahito, Jul 23 2002

Dentists are alien agents. Come on; you knew this.

Why else do you think they tell you to come back every six months? "Cleaning"? HAH! They're checking the status of that chip implanted in your jaw!

Retreating back beneath my aluminum-foil helmet ...
-- 1percent, Jul 23 2002

A lot of aliens drive cabs.
Dentists don't drive cabs.
Therefore a lot of aliens aren't dentists.
-- FarmerJohn, Jul 24 2002

Hmm. Dentists...aliens...alien anal probes...it's all just a big conspiracy to cover up every dentist's real desire to be a proctologist.
-- schizofox, Jul 24 2002

Aliens drive cabs
Dentists take cabs
Patients take cabs
Patients go to Dentists
Aliens don't go to Dentists
Dentists go to Aliens
Patients go to Aliens
Patients go to Dentists
Aliens don't go to Dentists
It's a Given;
Patients are terrified of Aliens
Patients are terrified of Dentists
Aliens are terrified of Dentists
Patients are more terrified of Dentists than they are of Aliens
Aliens are more terrified of Dentists than they are of Patients
Which proves;
Dentists are the ones with the probes
To wit;

The Tooth Is Out There
-- thumbwax, Jul 24 2002

Try to get some sleep, Mr Thumb. It will all look better in the morning.
-- sappho, Jul 24 2002

Regardless of the other facts noted by timo, I've always felt that there was something 'not quite right' about dentists. I mean, even given the money that they earn, would you want to spend all day gawping into someone's gob and inhaling their bad breath? Nah, it's just not natural! Have a croissant timo. And don't forget to brush your teeth afterwards.
-- DrBob, Jul 24 2002

I feel much the same about bananas: horrible alien things which have wormed their way into public adulation through their easy-open packaging and richness in potassium.

Any day now they'll all return to their home planet. And I for one won't miss them.

(No, I don't like bananas.)
-- JKew, Jul 24 2002

The Toothfairy speaketh:

Alien, be a dentist and alienate patients.
Dentist, have patients and you will suceed.
Patient, I want the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. Here is your coin.
-- FarmerJohn, Jul 24 2002

You want the tooth? You can't handle the tooth!
-- calum, Jul 24 2002

The Tooth hurts?
the tooth will set you free?

"I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom crestfallenly.
-- yamahito, Jul 24 2002

{off-topic grammar lesson} "Crestfallen" does not require the "-ly" suffix in this statement, as it is not an adverb describing "said", but an adjective describing Tom. However, in the following example, the swiftie word is an adverb and therefore does require the "-ly" suffix: "Take the prisoner downstairs," said the warden, condescendingly.
-- waugsqueke, Jul 26 2002

Good try, 'squekey but you've picked up on the wrong error I'm afraid. yama's sentence should read...

//"I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom Crestfallenly.//

...Tom being the son of Mr and Mrs Crestfallenly.
-- DrBob, Jul 26 2002

yamahito is quoting an early 20th Century Tom Swiftie - boys and girls grew up devouring the adventures of Tom Swift, a sterling young hero created by Edward Stratemeyer. Tom and his friends and enemies never just said something: they always said it *excitedly* or *sadly* or *hurriedly*. Tom Swift and his wonderful electric aeroplane have been mothballed, but the adverbial pun game known as Tom Swifties still flies. The object is to match the adverb with the quotation to produce, in each case, a high-flying pun:"
"I love these pancakes," said Tom flippantly.
"My pants are wrinkled," said Tom ironically.
"Oh, I've dropped my toothpaste," said Tom crestfallenly.
"I've run out of laundry detergent," said Tom cheerlessly.
"I hate pineapples," said Tom dolefully.
"I'll take the prisoner downstairs," said Tom condescendingly.
--from: "Get Thee to a Punnery"
-- thumbwax, Jul 26 2002

My brother used to do that a lot.
Briefly, he bought some underpants then rightly he left.
-- angel, Jul 26 2002

(ps to waugs: that would be Tom, crestfallen.)

(ps to thumb: Calum??)
-- yamahito, Jul 26 2002

"Burn in hell!" said Tom heatedly.
“What an adorable ass,” said Tom gaily.
“Guilty as charged,” said Tom with conviction.
“Chill out,” said Tom coolly.
“I’m not a rat-fink!” squealed Tom.
“I’m going to make a canoe from a birch," barked Tom.
“And 2 + 2 = 4,” added Tom.
“Don’t call me a wimp,” cried Tom.
“What a bitch.” said Tom doggedly.
“Oh oh oh aaaaaaaaaaagh,” said Tom climactically.
-- FarmerJohn, Jul 26 2002

"The tooth will out," said Tom punnily.
"You are my sweety 3.1416," said Tom calculatingly.
"I'm going to become a woman," said Tom broadly.
"I'd better take another cathartic," said Tom relaxingly.
"Ah, that's better," said Tom loosely.
"Whisky on the rocks," said Tom stonily.
"You taste so good," said Tom cunningly.
"I'm a navy man," said Tom fleetingly.
"I did it my way," said Tom frankly.
"Without a donor they put in this stupid plastic pump," said Tom heartlessly.
"You live in the past, I live in the present," said Tom intensely.
"Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.
" " said Tom quietly.
-- FarmerJohn, Jul 27 2002

<interrupting> Recently I had a white filling, I mean tracking microchip, put in. This was an extremely unpleasant and time-consuming event involving an ultraviolet light being shined into my mouth, against which the dentist had to have eyeshades as protection. If any other person were to do this, most of us would probably kick them in the kahonas. But if a dentist does it, well, we grin and bear it. Dentistry is the perfect guise for a race of aliens I believe are bent on controlling the universe, one tooth at a time. They are the Dentastians, humanoid aliens who use the cover of a dentist's mask to hide the reptilian scales found there. I think we should send Geraldo to do an in-depth report on the subject. </i>
-- polartomato, Jul 28 2002

Was that "the hearbreak of polar's molar"? Or the mole hearing the polarbear? Or the molecular breakdown of bipolar hearing? Or the pole breaking the mole's heart? Or an arctic tomato's deaf tooth?
-- FarmerJohn, Jul 28 2002

"C'mon in, the water's great." Shouted Tom swimmingly.
"My mom calls me sunny." Tom said brightly.
"Look she's got cubs." Tom barely whispered.
"You mean you actually embalm them?" Tom asked, mortified.
"I think we're out of gas." Tom sputtered.
"So you call this thing a trampoline?" Tom asked loftily.
"Well how am I supposed to read this if it's in code?" Asked Tom remorsefully.
-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 23 2003

and bee, from her nest in the tree, buzzed hopefully.
-- bristolz, Feb 23 2003

"Stopping now." Tom said haltingly.
-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 24 2003

"I'm on pins and needles", Tom said sharply.
"Say, you're quite the fox", Tom said slyly.
-- half, Feb 24 2003

"Someday I'll be called 'Lord of the Dance'" said Tom flatly.
-- half, Feb 24 2003

"The flying saucer that I arrived in is really a cryogenic stasis pod." 2 fries said cryptically.
-- 2 fries shy of a happy meal, Feb 24 2003

I like my dentist. He hums as he works.
-- human-female, Feb 24 2003

This gets a crescent if only for the volume of the groan generated by FarmerJohn's tense pun.
-- ato_de, Feb 24 2003

wow, we came a long way from aliens to Tom Swifts! said Tom half-bakedly
-- benlevi7, May 08 2003

A popular urban legend of the 1960's held that the metal of an amalgam filling, when activated by oral juices, was able to rectify AM radio signals from the air and transduce them audibly, as in the time Gilligan accidentally hits himself and becomes a radio receiver (mighty fine daytime reception they got on that island). Perhaps the aliens have perfected their craft in the intervening 40 years, so that communication now occurs in areas of the spectrum we cannot so easily observe. Thus, the introduction of the polymer filling, in which case the UV setting light is used to turn on the transceiver. Also, why do you think they can identify forensic remains so easily? Each of those fillings is a mini data store, recording life-events from the wearer. Why bother with black boxes, anyway, when you have that?
-- bo-hemian, Jun 17 2003



Anal probes!!!!

-- DesertFox, May 05 2004

An alternative theory is that alien abduction experiences are once-forgot but now reassembled (remixed?) memories of the night-time nappy-changes of infancy: always beginning in the dark, the door opens in a flood of light (from the hall) and a mis-shapen bipedal form walks in (dad), the "abductee" is lifed helpless into the air, stripped and has his or her undercarriage and/or back passage interfered with, before behind reclothed and placed back in bed.
-- calum, Dec 10 2010

Did your parents leave you naked in a field after changing you?
-- Twizz, Dec 13 2010

Just the twice.
-- calum, Dec 13 2010

//a mis-shapen bipedal form walks in (dad)//

That'll explain why the north ranks top in alien abduction reports then. I would hazard a guess that Norfolk is probably quite popular too.
-- DrBob, Dec 13 2010

// dad// // Norfolk //

Dad, Uncle, Brother .... could be all three at once in Norfolk ...

Be glad it's not wales. At least in Norfolk they tend to try to keep reproduction within the same species ....
-- 8th of 7, Dec 13 2010

Steady on, [8th] bach.
-- pertinax, Dec 14 2010

random, halfbakery