Tunnel shaped box containing three systems integrated to answer the "Duck Test" questions. Firstly a video imaging system to determine "does it look like a duck yes/no". Secondly an audio pickup with sound recognition to determine "does it quack like a duck yes/no" Third section can be done using either gait recognition or pressure pads in the floor to determine "does it waddle like a duck yes/no" The system can then process the duck (or notDuck) What happens to the fowl next depends on what you want it for. If all you want is a determination of the duckness of the item, a large lighted sign can go off above the box saying "DUCK". If you are sorting items, a two way exit can be arranged, with a spurious fowl ejector on one side, and a duckpond on the other ( or automatic Chinese duck pressing plant). A boon for short-sighted waterfowl farmers everywhere.
-- unclepete, Mar 12 2004

Does it have a 17 inch penis? http://www.abc.net....epublish_366856.htm
"Dr Kevin McCracken of the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, and colleagues, report [...] that they have found a specimen of the Argentine lake duck (Oxyura vittata) that has a penis as long as its body - nearly half a metre long." [kropotkin, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

(?) Wood ducks do not quack http://sites.state...._notes/woodduck.htm
Other reports indicate a cry of "pe-e-e, pe-e-e, pe-e-e". [kropotkin, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

All sorts of ducks http://animaldivers...tidae.html#Anatidae
Great site, will give pics and sounds for some of the types [unclepete, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Oldest Penis, Largest Penis http://www.telegrap...12/05/ixportal.html
The Ostracod : Small, but well endowed. [jonthegeologist, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Utterly quackers. +

By the way, only female ducks actually quack loudly. The males just mutter quotquotquotquot under their breath. Kinda like my fella.
-- squeak, Mar 12 2004


No, but they do have abnormally large penises. Which might also be factored into this, especially if their quacks prove indistinctive. And might I take this opportunity to use the phrase "cloacal kiss", which I try to work into conversation at every possible opportunity. (Most birds are dickless and copulate by a cloacal kiss where sexual openings are pressed together. Long-donged ducks and other waterfowl - and ostriches for some reason - do it like mammals on the Discovery Channel.) (Linky-poo.)

Also, I'm told that wood ducks don't quack. (Less-sensational link.)
-- kropotkin, Mar 12 2004


The lighted sign should read "MUST BE A DUCK".
-- waugsqueke, Mar 12 2004


If spurious waterfowl are ejected in the direction of the operator, the sign should also read "DUCK".
-- squeak, Mar 12 2004


Thanks [waugs] I missed that one. <mutters under breath>Quotquotquotquot<mub>
-- unclepete, Mar 12 2004


Thanks [squeak], you're the first to make me laugh today.
-- yabba do yabba dabba, Mar 12 2004


People going out to see clients for for presentations, software demos, etc. where I used to work were always asked to take the "Arse/Elbow Differentiator". Similar technology.
-- hippo, Mar 12 2004


enter one sample of Clinton>>> sign reads "Chicken"
-- krod, Mar 12 2004


[squeak] - you made me laugh a great deal with that one :)
-- phundug, Mar 12 2004


Quak? :)
-- silverstormer, Mar 12 2004


qvak
-- lintkeeper2, Mar 12 2004


// <fascinating fact> Bragging rights for 'longest penis in relation to an organisms size' goes to the barnacle.<ff> //

sorry [toejam], I think the answer is the ostracod [link attached]
-- jonthegeologist, Jul 16 2004


A 'dusk discriminator' would help solve those terrible moments when you wake up and can't figure out whether it's early morning, or early evening.
-- zen_tom, Jul 16 2004


A 'Duck Discriminator' could also help you work out whether or not an on-coming frisbee is worth dodging.
-- spiritualized, Jul 16 2004


//If spurious waterfowl are ejected in the direction of the operator, the sign should also read "DUCK".//
..or Grouse!
-- gnomethang, Jul 16 2004


An Ostracod has the longest penis in relation to its body size? Don't make me laugh. From that link:

"An ostracod is only 5mm long and its penis can be as much as a third of the size of its entire body."

A barnacle penis can be 20 times its body length.
-- Loris, Jul 27 2004


tabs, do you use it as a rudder or were the two statements unrelated?
-- po, Jul 27 2004


We need a third feature: when it detects a fowl that is not merely a non-duck but is in fact a goose, it needs to YELL that fact and run around in a circle.

PS: Discrimination is wrong. Did Duck-tor Martin Luther King teach us nothing?
-- gardnertoo, Jul 27 2004


Revisiting this so long after posting it, I'm amazed where it has got to. I never thought a Duck Discriminator would end up as a penis size detector (and, on the "empty vessel making the most noise" principle, it appears to use a negative scale). Funny annos though.
-- unclepete, Jul 29 2004


A fowl idea...
-- random_patenter_syndrome_victim, Nov 28 2009


You mean "wabbit", of coarse.
-- blissmiss, Nov 29 2009


"Nyeeeer...... what's up, Duck ?"
-- 8th of 7, Nov 29 2009



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