Business: Funeral
Last words generator   (+32, -2)  [vote for, against]
For when you're stumped for something to die saying

This handy, pager-sized device will prove invaluable for those times when you're on your deathbed, but are completely lost for words. It will generate a suitable phrase to be your last utterance. Choose from the following settings:

1) Philosophical 2) Cod-mystical 3) Humourous 4) Oblique 5) Lucky dip

The words will be shown on a liquid crystal display, with optional karaoke-style bouncing-ball effect so you can get the timing perfect first time - remember, you may not get a second attempt.

The deluxe model will in addition feature a pre-record setting, so you can record your favourite last words for simple playback as you expire. Also, a Stephen Hawking-style voice synthesiser, just in case you're unable to speak - ideal for those situations when you've been shot right in the throat. This model will be connectable to your PC via a USB port, so that your last words can be uploaded and sampled into music for your funeral at CD quality.

Finally, the Gold version will be able to monitor your heart rate and brain activity, so that your last words can automatically be triggered at the moment you consider to be the end of your life.
-- -alx, May 25 2001

Comeback Generator http://www.halfbake...omeback_20Generator
Your idea reminds me of mine. [centauri, May 25 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(?) "Safety Study" (on last words, from TwistedHumor) http://www.twistedh.../pj/2001/aug/01.php
Heehee, I couldn't resist... [Galileo, May 25 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

Dying Sayings from Brewer
Pretty lame, but you might find one to suit. [pottedstu, May 25 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(?) Last Words
[mrthingy, Mar 27 2002]

(?) Last Words http://www.tdcj.sta...ecutedoffenders.htm
[Klaatu, Oct 04 2004]

Last Words
Warning: Fairly gruesome [Klaatu, Jun 01 2008]

While waiting, consider: "I long for the peace that death will bring."
-- reensure, May 25 2001

"Time to piss on the fire and call the dog." WO Mitchell
-- grackle, May 26 2001

My favourite has always been General Sedgwick at the Battle of Spottiswood: 'They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...'
-- angel, May 26 2001

"You were right. You were right about me. Tell Leia. You were right" ----Darth Vader

(and earns a 10+ on the "how boring" scale --- he needed the last words generator....or better writers....)
-- Susen, May 26 2001

"Sticking a knife in the toaster never hurt anyone..."
-- -alx, May 26 2001

"Damn--fishboned again." Perhaps there could be a setting for "possible death" which would give you a suitable last line which--should you survive--would seem appropriately witty and ironic for one who has narrowly escaped death?
-- Dog Ed, May 26 2001, last modified May 27 2001

“Nurse, it was I who discovered that leeches have red blood.” (CUVIER)

DICKENS (said in reply to his sister-in-law, who urged him to lie down): “Yes, on the ground.”

ALEXANDER III. (of Russia): “This box was presented to me by the Emperor [sic] of Prussia.”

SOCRATES: “Crito, we owe a cock to Aesculapios.”

(See link to Brewer)
-- pottedstu, Oct 09 2001

"I refuse to go... you can't make me... nope I'm not going... forget it!!!!!!"............ "CACK"
-- Ala, Jan 28 2002

"I'm dying beyond my means" -- Oscar Wilde, while sipping champagne on his deathbead
-- mwburden, Jan 29 2002

Not to sound cocky....:) Cause I'm not. :) I want to claim to rise in 5 days... when asked why... I want my last words to be... "I'm not Jesus Christ...I take a little longer to get ready."
-- sevenpale, Mar 26 2002

"*&$%!@@! The batteries on this $#*&#@ last words generator are d..."
-- beauxeault, Mar 26 2002

In addition to the L.W.G., there should also be special editions limited to halfbakery users - last idea generators. Of course, the idea could be preprogrammed in, and would be the best one you've come up with as yet. When the L.W.G. activates, it also sends an encoded message to your computer that posts the idea on the 1/2B, along with a farewell message to the other Bakers.
-- Pseudonym #3, Mar 27 2002

Baked, in the game Scorched Earth.
-- bookworm, Mar 27 2002

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't" die, that is
-- thumbwax, Mar 27 2002


"Careful son, I don't think the safety's on"

- Duckman's father
-- BunsenHoneydew, Sep 10 2002

The captain of the Titanic: "Where the f@#k is all this water coming from?"
-- X2Entendre, Dec 01 2002


Legend has it that the most common last words amongst "good old boys" (aka rednecks) of the American south is:

"Hey, y'all. Watch this!"
-- krelnik, Dec 01 2002

"Theres no monsters under the bed, Billy."

"He's bluffing, he wouldnt have the balls to blow up the National Bank!"

"Your mommas so fat...."
-- obsessive_doodler, Dec 03 2002

There seem to be a lot of funerial ideas at the moment... is there some sort of conspiracy going on I should know about and/or be a part of?
-- Parvenu, Dec 03 2002

"Look me up when you get there, guys" - combination cod-mystical/humorous.

Would it be possible to feature some kind of cause-of-impending-death detector, so as to tailor last words to the situation?
-- friendlyfire, Dec 03 2002

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something" -- Last Words of Pancho Villa. If only he'd had one of these...
-- footzilla, Dec 20 2003

"Told you I was Ill" Spike Milligan.
-- neilp, Dec 20 2003

"I'll visit you!.... gack!" x_x
-- denathor-phyromaniac, Mar 11 2004

"Why did the chicken.... ack!"
-- denathor-phyromaniac, Mar 11 2004

"Am I going to die?...."
-- denathor-phyromaniac, Mar 11 2004

"Finally, a way to escape the halfbakery permanently."
-- xx, Mar 11 2004

"Cut it out Bossie, or you are going to knock over my lantern." -Mrs O'Leary

<The lamp has gone off. It is pitch black.>
<It is pitch black. You can hear the gnashing of grue teeth.>

-- GenYus, Mar 11 2004

I always liked Voltaire's (It's more of a last dialogue): The priest at the deathbed said, as Voltaire was a bit of a skeptic towards religion: "I urge you to swear off the devil." Voltaire replied "Now now, young man, this is not the right time to make enemies."
-- Saruman, Mar 11 2004

Interestingly enough, my high school planner had a number of humorous last words scattered about the pages. "What does this button do?" and "Hey, that's not a violin case!" come to mind.

We young'uns laugh at death...
-- WordUp, Aug 13 2004

Joan of Arc: "You don't suppose it's gonna fuckin' rain?"
-- Eugene, Aug 13 2004

"I'll make it up to you tommorrow..."
-- 5th Earth, Aug 13 2004

"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight." Amen
-- quantum_flux, Nov 07 2007

"A software update for your Last Words Generator is available. Would you like to download it?"
-- hippo, Nov 07 2007

"Me dying - baked!"

"Wait, I just had the perfect idea for the Halfbakery! It will be named-"


"Damn you to hell! If I'm going, you're coming too."

And Elvis' last phrase:

"Uggh, it feels like a big one!"
-- Shadow Phoenix, Nov 07 2007

A true Last Words Generator would work as a nano-machine inserted in your lungs. You program it by dialing it from your cell-phone. After death, it automatically starts working, once heartbeats are not heard for one hour. By checking one hours recording, it can tell if you had actually said your last words. If not, it will fill your lungs with a last breath, and then using soundwaves instead of your tounge, lips and teeth, it will get you to say your last words in your last voice.
-- pashute, Nov 07 2007

-- xandram, Mar 25 2008

"These last words have been generated by the Microsoft Last Words generator.

Where do you want to go today?"
-- Bad Jim, Jun 03 2008

//Microsoft Last Words Generator// has encountered an error.

Would you like to send an error report?

[Send error report] _____ [ Don't send]
-- 4whom, Jun 03 2008

"Gentlemen, this is the day you will all remember as the day you *almost* caught Capta--"

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."
-- TahuNuva, Jun 04 2008

Of course it's safe! I built it from specs I saw on the 1/2 B!
-- Zimmy, Jun 05 2008

I should have spent more time at the office.
-- bneal27, Jun 06 2008

I like it [pashute]. Can I have my last voice programmed to speak when they open the coffin at the wake? and maybe have it sing the "Theme from Shaft" but with helium. You know- just to lighten the mood a bit and embarass my wife and kids one last time.
-- bneal27, Jun 06 2008

"I'll be back"
-- canoro, Feb 14 2009

I like this - but its made me contemplate my mortality and now I feel weird. Urrgghh.
-- meggabrain, Feb 16 2009

This device will only work, of course, in cases where death is not sudden and instantaneous. In order to provide a fully comprehensive service I feel that it should also act as a personal "black box", continuously recording what you say but with only, say, a fifteen second memory, so that it will also capture your genuine last words for posterity...

"Fuck! Where did that tree come fro..."
-- DrBob, Feb 16 2009

comes with 2 defaults:

"watch this!" and "oh shi...!"
-- FlyingToaster, Feb 16 2009

-- elhigh, Feb 16 2009

When I was younger, lived alone and spent a goodly amount more time than I do now considering my death (waits like a witch at night etc.), one of my primary concerns was that I might die in my sleep, with my last words being something banal or shameful, or shamefully banal (e.g. mumblesinging the lyrics to Fuck a Dog by Blink-182). This was not how I wanted the cosmos to record my passing. Now, though, I have found this idea and am willing to pay brand new British pounds for a version which physically manipulates my vocal cords, perhaps by way of release of air from an implanted pressurised canister, so that my gurgling death rattle forms the words "avenge my death", being aware as I am that the code of the samurai and indeed of the streets requires anyone who hears this to fulfil my last command.
-- calum, Aug 30 2016

I would like my last words to be "Oh my god - what's your husband doing home this early?"
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 03 2016

I thought Captain Johns last words were "Iceberg? What f***ing iceberg?" Not to mention John Lennon saying "That's not a real f***ing gun".
-- not_morrison_rm, Sep 04 2016

No lie, my Mother's final words were, "Is that chocolate"? I kid you not. (Referring to the pudding my brother was serving her, I think...)
-- blissmiss, Sep 04 2016

random, halfbakery