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Sausage dog midriff unicycle support   (+19)  [vote for, against]
Poor things

Due to the medically detrimental process of selective breeding, the unfortunate dachshund is prone to chronic spinal discomfort.

To arrest this affliction I propose a unicycle attachment be harnessed to the dog's midriff, thus supporting the animal's back whilst retaining freedom of movement.

Alternatively, a cluster of helium balloons be tied around it's chest, to lessen the weight of it's elongated torso.
-- theleopard, Apr 05 2012

Would this work? Baguette_20Transporter
[angel, Apr 05 2012]

Don't waste Helium! http://www.guardian...balloons-squandered
[hippo, Apr 05 2012]

http://www.familyre.../img/dog-wheels.jpg rear wheel drive version [xenzag, Apr 05 2012]

Illustration http://oi40.tinypic.com/2w66uqx.jpg
I had a quiet day at work... [theleopard, Apr 11 2012]

Via Google's "Robert Doisneau" site http://gbx.ru/uploa...st-3-1061397207.jpg
[Dub, Apr 14 2012]

(?) Wheelie Dog http://bangordailyn...day/?ref=maineframe
I especially like the shot of him bouncing over the pipe. [Alterother, Apr 14 2012]

How about a cantilever system? Basically, a bridge running from head to tail, supported by a collar and a pair of structural pants, with a belt slung from its middle to support the mid-region.

To prevent its restricting the animal's ability to turn, it could even be hinged, as long as the hinge moved only in the horizontal plane.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 05 2012

Dachshund exo-skeletons... I like it, people.

<awaits [zen_tom]-esque snowballing apocalyptic rant in which dachshund-cyborgs overthrow and enslave the human race>

<followed by [Dub] welcoming our new dachshund overlords>
-- theleopard, Apr 05 2012

[MB] //cantilever// Isn't it an arch?
-- mouseposture, Apr 05 2012

[+] for the 'awwww' factor, but surely an extra set of legs, prosthetic or otherwise, would be preferable.
-- FlyingToaster, Apr 05 2012

[+] for canine humiliation, [-] for frivolous use of Helium - we're running out of Helium (see link) and shouldn't waste it on balloons.
-- hippo, Apr 05 2012

True, until we get the hang of hydrogen fusion. Meanwhile hydrogen works fine in balloons... just remember not to spend to much time in the ones coated in thermite.

re: the idea, if we can't gengineer hexadachshunds, then we should give them bicycle undercarriages, not unicycles, so on the downhill runs they can tuck up their legs for speed.
-- FlyingToaster, Apr 05 2012

At least one Dachshund has been equipped with a prosthetic support made from a child's lightweight plastic roller skate, and apparently improved the quality of the dog's life a great deal as it could then go for walks again, albeit only on paved surfaces.
-- 8th of 7, Apr 05 2012

...which implies that a mini-hovercraft attachment would be more functional.
-- hippo, Apr 05 2012

//One of his key experiments, designed to probe the structure of matter, had to be cancelled – because the facility had run out of helium.//

He'll just to use a bent paper-clip, like the rest of us.
-- not_morrison_rm, Apr 05 2012

If this terrible problem cannot be alleviated by either a unicycle attachment, the cantilever system, balloons, roller skates, or hovercraft then surely a simple pointy stick, inserted into the animal's anus and then forced through its body until the pointy end emerges through the mouth would suffice?
-- DrBob, Apr 05 2012

[+] oh yes.

Hey - some people are sporting croissants here and they are not shown up top!
-- xandram, Apr 05 2012

I saw something like this in a Dr. Seuss book once.

Surely maglev is the right solution.
-- tatterdemalion, Apr 05 2012

not that I mean to harp on it, but you could fit quite a few pairs of motorized prosthetic legs in there :

-- FlyingToaster, Apr 05 2012

Dachscentipedehund ?
-- 8th of 7, Apr 05 2012

Dachshund suspension bridge.
-- zen_tom, Apr 05 2012

[DrBob] - I don't think your skewering solution would be suitable, in that it would tend to quiet the constant "yap-yap-yap", which seems to be the only reason for even having said creature.
-- lurch, Apr 05 2012

Seems like a ball caster would allow for greater maneuverability. Or simply overfeed the dog until its paunch drags on the ground, then grease it regularly.
-- ytk, Apr 05 2012

You could strap a hamster to its belly.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 05 2012

Tank tracks would allow for greater all-terrain mobility. You could train the dog to lift up its legs and control his movement by remote control.

"I'm just popping out to take the dog for a spin."
-- theleopard, Apr 10 2012

Arrange for the dog to live in a luxurious kennel. During the night, while the dog is lying down asleep on soft cushions, the kennel is accelerated upwards on powerful rockets. During the day, the kennel is allowed to fall back towards Earth. Some retardant, such as a retro rocket, can be used to adjust the apparent speed of fall, allowing the dog as much or as little weight on its back as it wishes.

A long walkway looping out from the kennel allows the dog to exercise.
-- pocmloc, Apr 10 2012

I've refrained from posting this because, and I can't believe I'm saying this, I didn't want to spoil all the fun, but quite a few dachshunds develop back problems in mid-late life and are fitted with wheeled slings to enable mobility, though I've never seen a unicycle device. These used to be ad hoc devices but now are sold through veterinary suppliers. Other dogs who have been paralyzed or lost one or both rear limbs also use them. Unsurprisingly, we call them (the dogs) 'wheelie dogs'.

The helium ballute-midriff sling mobility aid is interesting, but might actually worsen certain conditions by placing unnatural upward pressure at the arch of the spine. A helium-suspended rump-sling might be healthier and more amusing.
-- Alterother, Apr 10 2012

how' bout a vertical line of helium inflatable dachshunds suspended above the real one ?
-- FlyingToaster, Apr 10 2012

The real dachshund would try to attack them.

Which would be hilarious, so I'm all for it.
-- Alterother, Apr 10 2012

Slow day at the office. Enjoy the illustration [linky].
-- theleopard, Apr 11 2012

//How about a cantilever system? //
Very Heath-Robinson!
-- gnomethang, Apr 11 2012

Going the other way, you could always gengineer dachshunds to have slinky-midsections. They'd have a much easier time with stairs that way.
-- RayfordSteele, Apr 11 2012

Would this help male dachshunds go up stairs forwards?
-- UnaBubba, Apr 11 2012

I was thinking about the mag-lev idea, which is fine if you don't mind your dog bound to a track. It does, however, open up Wipeout/F-Zero opportunities, in which to race your pets.

But think on... If we're happy with a set track, why not employ the meissner effect for that celestial floating-on-a-cloud look. I'm thinking Monkey Magic, but with a dachshund.
-- theleopard, Apr 12 2012

I can envision a costume for the weiner dog parade in which the very tolerant weiner dog drags along a comically long weinerdog-shaped fake back end. The true back legs are concealed by a set of bicycle like wheels. A concealed castor wheel rests between the fake back legs, which have levers such that they move in an animated fashion.
-- bungston, Apr 12 2012


I've been pondering the mag-lev version. The dog doesn't have to be on a track! You make a remote controlled buggy that can move in any direction on the horizontal plane. Upon that you place a sensor that detects where its counterpart is and controls the movement of the buggy to be in-line with it. Its counterpart is a massive magnet strapped to the belly of the dachshund.

Portable mag-lev track. Easy!
-- theleopard, Apr 14 2012

I think, on reflection, that a midriff-support would interfere with the natural evolutionary process. Hundreds of millions of years ago, some lizards gradually lost their legs and became snakes. Clearly, the Daschund is heading in the same direction, and we should let nature take its course. The weasel is a little bit further ahead with this process, but there is still room in the niche.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 26 2018

I thought they might instead evolve a middle set of legs. There are birth defects where mammals get extra limbs, so it's conceivable, at least.
-- notexactly, Dec 06 2018

//birth defects... conceivable// Snort.

And the offoff-springspring of this genetic jumping gene shall be called Polly. Polly Dactyly.
-- Sgt Teacup, Dec 06 2018

// birth defects where mammals get extra limbs //

All sorts of peculiar things can occur, particularly in small, highly-inbred populations where there was a lack of genetic diversity ab initio. As a matter of fact, [MB]'s family are acknowledged experts on this subject.

Their family photograph album is ... quite astonishing.

"And this picture is of my grandfather, my father, my uncle and my brother-in-law."

"There's only one person in the picture."

"So ?"

// evolve a middle set of legs. //

Well, again, both [MB] and [bs0u] claim some passing acquaintance with biochemistry, so maybe they could do a bit of genetic tinkering and try crossing a Dachshund with a centipede.

Then again, all you might end up with is a very large four-legged insect that barks at postmen.
-- 8th of 7, Dec 06 2018

random, halfbakery