Car drivers already have a lot going for them. Governments build new roads, councils keep the roads clean, TV stations aim adverts at them, cyclists bounce nicely off their bonnets.

But there's one flaw - one reminder that cars aren't always king. Not road laws or traffic lights - those are necessary evils. And with traffic lights, you're giving away to other cars - a meeting of equals. No, it's pedestrian crossings that are the one element preventing the all-conquering car culture from conquering all. Having to stop for pesky pedestrians? Grr!

Removing all pedestrian crossings might be tempting, but impractical - some unfortunate souls might be marooned on one side of the road, never to find out if the concrete really is cleaner on the other side. There is something we can do, though - if car drivers do have to stop, let's make it fun for them. And what could be more fun than watching pedestrians make fools of themselves?

Enter the Simon Says Crossing. When it's red, it says "don't walk". But when it's green, it doesn't say "walk" - well, rarely. It might say, "Crawl across the road, scum," or, "Skip merrily on your way," or, "Bow to the cars as you cross the road, wretch."

With the law stating that you have to cross in the manner directed, and with fines for jaywalking increased to encourage compliance, car drivers are guaranteed some light entertainment on their journey. Each crossing would only change its message daily, to prevent patient pedestrians waiting for a better fate.

Not only does this reward car owners for their greater contribution to the national economy, but it also helps fuel the oil empire. With increasing numbers of pedestrians becoming so frustrated and humiliated that they resort to the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" approach, car sales and gas sales will rocket.

Simon Says Crossings could create a more prosperous economy, and complete the transition to a car-centred culture. All that and you get to see people do the funky chicken as they cross the road. What more could you, Mr Car Driver, want? Vroom!
-- imaginality, Apr 04 2006

Speed it up, Granny http://www.guardian.../0,,1751876,00.html
Police are cracking down on people who don't run across this crossing... this is where it begins ;-) [imaginality, Apr 12 2006]

This gets my vote for originality. On the other hand if I was in the car and I was running late to an important appointment I wouldn't be amused.
-- Jscotty, Apr 04 2006


And all the pedestrians got together and produced a remote that turned off cars.

The end.
-- skinflaps, Apr 04 2006


I imagined something more along the lines of:

"Cross the road"
*Bang* *Screeching of tyres*
"Simon didn't say!"
-- fridge duck, Apr 04 2006


rant.
giggle. HaHA ahAHAHA
-- reensure, Apr 04 2006


Green light. Time to get funky. ::Dances across the walk wowing all the ladies::

Bun, baby.
-- notmarkflynn, Apr 04 2006


And what of traffic wardens? What punishment can be concocted for them?
-- hidden truths, Apr 04 2006


I thought being a traffic warden *was* a punishment...
-- imaginality, Apr 05 2006


<Lock, Stock>
"Knock 'im aht"
"You knock 'im aht"
"Nah, Simon didn't say"<lsa2sb>
-- egbert, Apr 05 2006


Pedestrians are just drivers who are not driving right now.

Drivers are just pedestrians who are just not walking right now.

Stop dehumanizing the other person so much and you all live longer/better.
-- sophocles, Apr 10 2006


[sophocles], I'm not a driver who's not driving right now. I've never owned (or hired) a car in my life.

I entirely agree with your point.
-- imaginality, Apr 12 2006


Hmm... Sounds good, but I'm a cyclist, existing in a plane between motorist and pedestrian...
I obey the rules of the road, but I'll hop onto the footpath if it's quicker, or use a green man to cross a road, all without my feet touching the ground, or my arse atop a motor... What are your views there?
-- Asbestos, Apr 13 2006


My personal view? Good on you!

The views of the imaginary persona who wrote this idea? See the first paragraph.
-- imaginality, Apr 13 2006


Cyclists are people too, of course, and I'm one of those at times too, when not being imaginarily sophocles, that is, where I'm being a sitonmyasstrian.

Sorry to have missed the intended sarcasm. I'm just otherwise immersed in truly car-centricism where people do dehumanize people who are not in cars.
-- sophocles, Apr 13 2006



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